The Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested On Purpose Theories Have Started

April 23rd, 2013 // 11 Comments
Reese Witherspoon?
Reese Witherspoon
Arrested?
That Can't Be Right Read More »

Prior to being arrested for drunkenly hanging out a car window, yelling at a cop and demanding to stand on American ground because she’s an America, Reese Witherspoon had a squeaky clean image which she also sometimes used to tell upcoming starlets not to take naked pictures, so one might suggest she’s also Satan. Anyway, that image may have played a part in Reese getting shot down to play Stevie Nicks in a new biopic, so here’s Joan Rivers not realizing she hit the nail on the head because Botox causes memory loss. (I honestly don’t know if that’s true, but why not?) Via InTouch Weekly:

“She’s no longer the girl-next-door,” the Fashion Police star told In Touch exclusively. “Now she wants to be the drunk soccer mom.”

Coincidentally, Reese was just on Jimmy Kimmel a few weeks ago pretending to be just that (below), so either Joan Rivers remembered the episode which completely shoots down my Botox joke – You bitch… – or Reese Witherspoon talked her agent husband into getting a DUI to change her career image. A scenario I’d actually believe because a.) us little people are nothing but flies for Hollywood to run over in their cars and b.) you’ve seen her chin right? God help us if she ever joins Al Qaeda.

TOWER: Traffic control to flight Victor Tango Seven Five. Why have you decreased altitude?
PILOT: SHE’S IN THE COCKPIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT SHE’S IN THE COCKPIT! TELL MY SON I LOVE-”

[stabbing sounds, blood gurgles, whine of steep decent, loud crash from Oval Office impact, several minutes of silence, digging sounds, footsteps]

SUSPECT: Do you know who I am? I am America’s reckoning.

[static from puncture wound into black box]

Here’s Reese Witherspoon being the super cool soccer mom who drinks a lot on Kimmel.

And here’s Reese Witherspoon being the super cool soccer mom who drinks a lot getting her handcuffs removed by the cop who arrested her. This went well.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, WENN

superficial

  1. Reese Witherspoon Arrested Disorderly Conduct Mud Screening MOMA
    pavement_smear
    Commented on this photo:

    Smug look just screams “No prison can hold me…got my chisel right here.”

  2. Griefer

    And the Boston bombers were setup.

  3. EricLr

    Can’t get the younger roles anymore, huh sweetie?

  4. When she’s a blonde, I’d like to screw her until she starts speaking in tongues. When she’s a brunette, only until she says “ouch.”

  5. kim

    False flag.

  6. Humpin Frog

    Wholesome as a dash.

    What would Gwyneth do?

    Ironman suit.

  7. Weeblo

    Her only mistake was that of tense. She should have said, “Don’t you know who I was?”

  8. Robocop

    No break for drunken drivers or their enablers. Go to jail.

  9. Just saw the video. I’m now in the Alex Jones camp of it being purposely done either for an image change, or for the upcoming movie. Reese can’t method like Batman.

  10. reinhard heidrich

    another delusional Hollywood asshole. surrounded by ass kissers in their fantasy world but then the ugly real world intrudes and they fall apart. I wish the two of them drove head on into a brick wall at 90mph. then we could wash the remaining detritus into the sewer where it belongs.

Leave A Comment