Prior to being arrested for drunkenly hanging out a car window, yelling at a cop and demanding to stand on American ground because she’s an America, Reese Witherspoon had a squeaky clean image which she also sometimes used to tell upcoming starlets not to take naked pictures, so one might suggest she’s also Satan. Anyway, that image may have played a part in Reese getting shot down to play Stevie Nicks in a new biopic, so here’s Joan Rivers not realizing she hit the nail on the head because Botox causes memory loss. (I honestly don’t know if that’s true, but why not?) Via InTouch Weekly:
“She’s no longer the girl-next-door,” the Fashion Police star told In Touch exclusively. “Now she wants to be the drunk soccer mom.”
Coincidentally, Reese was just on Jimmy Kimmel a few weeks ago pretending to be just that (below), so either Joan Rivers remembered the episode which completely shoots down my Botox joke – You bitch… – or Reese Witherspoon talked her agent husband into getting a DUI to change her career image. A scenario I’d actually believe because a.) us little people are nothing but flies for Hollywood to run over in their cars and b.) you’ve seen her chin right? God help us if she ever joins Al Qaeda.
TOWER: Traffic control to flight Victor Tango Seven Five. Why have you decreased altitude?
PILOT: SHE’S IN THE COCKPIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW BUT SHE’S IN THE COCKPIT! TELL MY SON I LOVE-”
[stabbing sounds, blood gurgles, whine of steep decent, loud crash from Oval Office impact, several minutes of silence, digging sounds, footsteps]
SUSPECT: Do you know who I am? I am America’s reckoning.
[static from puncture wound into black box]
Here’s Reese Witherspoon being the super cool soccer mom who drinks a lot on Kimmel.
And here’s Reese Witherspoon being the super cool soccer mom who drinks a lot getting her handcuffs removed by the cop who arrested her. This went well.