R. Kelly Wants You To Shut Up

November 11th, 2011 // 33 Comments
R. Kelly

R. Kelly wrote an autobiography titled Soulacoaster: The Story of Me and with that news alone, I can wrap up this post and have officially destroyed your mind with awesome just from reading the word “Soulacoaster.” Turns out, R. Kelly has done even more than that and released his first song “Shut Up” since having throat surgery which he dedicated to everyone who doubted he was really sick or dared to say his career was over. And like any R. Kelly song, the lyrics are pure musical artistry:

OMG now no offense to the other artist but come on darling
Let’s be honest how many babies have been made by me
OMG seriously you gonna act like that
Sit there like ain’t no truth to that
Looking at me like i ain’t talking stats
OMG every boy every girl every child around the world
From the 90s up until today

That would be R. Kelly claiming paternity over every single man, woman and child born since the 90s which I actually believe. If you tell me you were born after 1991, not only will I demand you write me an 18-part R&B song about banging a midget’s wife, I’ll start following you around to make sure you’re not pissing on high school girls. My eyes: You.

Photo: Getty


  1. whiskeyafternoon

    is this another post about ass rape?

  2. R. Kelly: pedophile, urophiliac, poet laureate.

  3. Richard McBeef

    I Like the Crotch on You – R. Kelly

    I like the … with big booties in ‘em
    I like the crotch on you
    I want what you’ve got baby

    Girl I like those daisy dukes on you
    Girl you look so fine, I wanna get with you
    So tell me who’s your man,
    We will have a talk with him

    • Artofwar

      …You got me in the mood to pee on somebody.

      • Artofwar

        ….And speaking of pee—any of you guys ever watch some pee-hole porn?

        I kind of fell upon it last night while porn-surfing—didn’t know a female’s urethra could stretch like that. And the most mind blowing part is that the sluwhore seemed to be enjoying it.

        Yea, I know what you all are thinking–dude must have been hung like a mouse—no, dude was hung like a Clydesdale.

        And to think that so many ladies complain about taking it up the intestines—you ladies better hope this pee-hole thing doesn’t grow wings and becomes the latest must do.

        Damn, one more hole to explore. John Mayer was spot on—a woman’s body is a Wonderland.

      • TomFrank

        I don’t envy this woman the infections she’ll be getting.

      • Richard McBeef, MD

        Considering the female urethra is only a couple inches long, it wouldn’t take much before bladder starts getting pounded.

        It would certainly result in bladder infection and likely require reconstructive urethraplasty.

      • kimmykimkim

        Artofwar, I like that you’ve stopped signing your posts. But please don’t put it in a girl’s pee-hole. Ouch. That’s gotta be like putting a magic marker in your dickhole. Ouch!

  4. Venom

    In light of his history and everything going on this week at a certain university, he might want to keep low-key right now…
    Bad timing.

  5. Nothing like fostering the stereotype.

  6. The Critical Crassness

    Wow, R.Kelly and I have something in common because I want him to shut up!

  7. SirDigbyChickenCaeser

    I see someone listened to kevin and bean this morning? lol I can totally see those Usher references…

  8. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love; I don’t even want, none of the above…

  9. skunk

    what a stupid cunt

  10. SuperJ

    He rhymed “that” with “that”. He should go back in the closet.

  11. just thinking out loud

    I wonder if he ever got a chance to pee on any of the Kardashian sisters?

    • Do Freebird

      No, I don’t think he ever let loose a golden shower on any of the Kardashian whores.
      Brody Jenner? Now that’s a different story.

  12. Do Freebird

    R.Kelly + J.Sandusky = soulamaters

  13. catholic church media relations

    I think you mean: Souldomizers.

    Kelly said his book was hard to title. Rhyming ‘Soul’ with ‘rape’ ‘piss’ or ‘pedophile’ just wouldn’t work.

  14. Dan

    Pffft. F-off R.Kelly.

    You’re career is over. At least it should be. Go read a book or something.

    • Kick rocks Dan

      Like R. Kelly said “shut up about my life.” Funny how he was important enough for you to take time and comment

  15. Kelly-Hater

    Hey there R. Kelly, how about YOU just Shut The Fuck Up you useless cocksucker! Fuck YOU and all of the other ass-wipes like you, who the Fuck do you think you are? You are a waste of space on this earth and the world would be a better place without your dumb-ass!!

  16. forrest gump

    ……………lance bass didn’t fck him in his anus?

  17. sid

    aweful person. big ego. but great song. I like it alot.

  18. Robert G

    “R Kelly says for you to shut up!”

    “R Kelly said that?”

  19. Soulabumpercar

    See this is why I hate the superficial,..
    R-Kelly (or RKayeKaye as I call him) isn’t claiming that he’s the father of everyone born since the 90′s,.. IDIOTS!!
    He’s simply claiming that every person on the planet born since the 90′s owes all thier TALENT to him.

    Completely different…
    please get your facts right.

  20. He should do a duet of this with Whitney!

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