1. BP

    What the hell is Doc from The Love Boat doing in the background…..thought he was Jewish!

  2. tlmck

    Please take us to your young boys.

  3. “Yes, question in the back row…”
    “Congratulations first for all. Second, what do you intend to do about all the child rap” [LOUD BANG]
    “Next Question…”

  4. “Gelgameks?”

  5. wtf, ‘Francis’? Guy gets appointed to the top spot in a wealthy organization that rules over a Billion plus catholics all over the world, and when it comes time to pick his new pope name, he skips past ‘Zack Thunder’, ‘Jake Steel’, ‘Thunderballs’ and goes with ‘Francis’?

  6. I like how they spend those tithed dollars on cell phone jammers so the public can’t get access to their cultist shenanigans and ornate hats for the leaders. Oh and something like 3 billion on child molestation settlements.

  7. Deacon Jones

    “Where are de boys???”

  8. Smapdi

    “No, I don’t think the microphone or the way he is holding it is ‘hawt’! And now, a hymn I’ve written, “Oppa is Papal Style.”

  9. Joe Blow

    “And to celebrate my election, I’m pleased to announce the Vatican gift shop has all boys pants half-off.”

  10. Pope Frank Burns

    “The name’s Pope Francis, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I’ll kill you. And I don’t like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I’ll kill you. Also, I don’t like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I’ll kill you.”

  11. Francis: “..and blessed are those who have smooth, young, supple round bottoms..”
    Cardinal whispers: “who don’t have vaginas”
    Francis:”..who do not have vaginas”

  12. B&WMinstrel

    I watched this on the news last night. Talk about the modern world passing you by. It’s not like there’s anything else these newsreaders can even do.

  13. SelenaGomez

    You know what I love? How all of you all generalize the behavior of a few disgusting, depraved child-molesters to become the official crime of men who are overall good and devout men. So am I to assume that because Arabic terrorists killed lots of Americans on Sept. 11 that the entire race are murderous and hateful? Or am I to assume that because some men rape women, all men are rapists? Or hey, how about this…that everyone who comments with hate-fueled rants on a blog are actually overcompensating for an overwhelming self-hatred that forces them to irrationally lash out in a juvenile attempt to make themselves feel better by using humor to sublimate their rage, therefore you must all be sociopaths? You should be ashamed of the smallness of your mind, and the ugliness of your hearts. If you would spend a little more time promoting what you love instead of bashing what you hate, the world would be a better place. Shame on you all.

    • I don’t think all catholics are child molestors or that all priests are child molestors. But I think the Catholic Church is more in the business of saving face than flushing out the child molestors with the shuffling of reported abusers and handling the cases internally rather than sending those child fuckers off to prison like they belong.

      Oh, and you’re right, I’m a total sociopath.

      Go eat a cracker and have a shot of grape juice, then fuck off.

      • B&WMinstrel

        As a sociopath and a catholic* I think I can see both sides of this.
        Since most of the abuse involved men and boys let’s forget about religion and start calling every homosexual a molester instead.

        * But at least I’m not jewish
        (Did I leave anyone out?)

    • contusion

      Fuck off. Maybe you have a few words about the good work Jerry Sandusky did as well? If it were one or two priests, that would be one thing. The numbers of molestations and other inappropriate actions is staggering and the ruin of many, many lives. And now all kinds of other accusations are coming out about male prostitutes at the Vatican and all kinds of other shit. And it’s all in the name of God. And people live their lives and do things because this man tells them to…to everyone’s detriment. People say that this new Pope is an intellectual. There’s no such thing as an intellectual Catholic. It’s an oxymoron. Emphasis on moron.

      • SelenaGomez

        Yeah… you are absolutely right, there is no such thing as an intellectual Catholic. See also: Leonardo Da Vinci, Galileo, John F. Kennedy, Christopher Colombus, Alfred Hitchcock, Sean Connery, Frank Sinatra, just to name the first few who spring to mind. Maybe do a quick check before you make blanket statements like there is no such thing as an intellectual Catholic. And for clarification, I am NOT excusing the disgusting acts of those child-molesters, and I am NOT excusing the church for covering for them. It is beyond contempt.

      • contusion

        Sorry, but “intellectual” would imply that you possess the faculty of reasoning and understanding objectively. You can bang Marylin Monroe, sail a big boat or make scary movies all you want, but it’s not enough to overcome your willingness to believe the bullshit and hocus pocus of the Catholic church. If you buy into all that nonsense, you just don’t qualify.

    • You’re obviously lost on the internets

  14. lawn

    Vatican City?!? Are you ready to ROOOCCCKKKKK?!?!

  15. meeps!

    Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers…

  16. “For my first act…I will make sure that all clergy who have committed horrible acts against children will face the earthly justice they richly deserve.

    Nah! Just fucking with you! It’s business as usual here.”

  17. lillaliket

    no one else read that as “just after his erection” ?

  18. james

    I don’t see how anyone can remain a Catholic and seeing this shit about the picking of the new Pope all over the media as if it’s really news has been sickening. It’s a church of hypocrites, pedophiles and the closeted gay men who helped to cover it all up (and i’m gay myself).It was these closeted priests, fearful of calling attention to their own behavior that decided not to turn the child molesters over to the police. Religion is mainly for idiots anyway but stupid Catholics are some the worst and ugliest people on the face of the Earth.

  19. Little Tongue

    “I’ve chose the moniker Francis in honor of St-Francis of Ass Easy, whom I admire greatly. Nuff said.”

  20. This *dirty old man* and all the leaders of his corrupt and dispicable church need to be locked away for crimes against humanity. If you aid and abet, you’re pretty much as guilty as he who commits. Of course with all these fucking zero-IQ *idiots* (as in intellectually inferior to a 5-year old who believes in santa) in prison, the entire catholic church may well crumble under the sunsupported weight of its own diseased filth.

    What a shame *that* would be…

  21. Prince Chuck

    ” and I said to God “she’sa gotta to have big tits”" (rim shot).
    “Hey, tanksa everybody for coming tonight, my next show starts at 10 pm. Remember, I’ma gonna be here for an extended run in the Cistine chapel room – 2 shows nightly with a 2 drink minimum – and I willa be doin’ all your favorite comedy gags from the 1600′s”.

  22. “Hey Francis! You just became the new Pope, now what are you going to do?”
    “I’m going to Disneyland!”

  23. “I pledge to keep molesting children and covering it up. I mean come on, they’re practically feeding them to us!”

  24. Randal

    Whether it’s torturing evil pagans, profiteering from a holocaust, or passing around an eleven year old boy like a basket of bread, nobody carries it quite as well as our sharp dressed Catholic leaders. Looking good Pope. Go get those homosexuals.


  25. “To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
    Light-up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!”

  26. Toe Jam

    “A21…A21. B4…(and if anyone yells “before what?, you’re a douche)…B4.” “BINGO, your holiness!”

    • Toe Jam

      Goes to show how often I play bingo…should have said, “N21″, as there is no “A” in BINGO. (for all you bingo nazi’s…I’m looking at you, you George Hamilton muthafaka!)

  27. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    Pope Francis is rarely talked about without mention of his humility, his reluctance to talk about himself. The self-effacement, admirers say, is why he has hardly ever denied one of the harshest allegations against him: That he was among church leaders who actively supported Argentina’s murderous dictatorship. It’s without dispute that Jose Mario Bergoglio, like most other Argentines, failed to openly confront the 1976-1983 military junta while it was kidnapping and killing thousands of people in a “dirty war” to eliminate leftist opponents.

    But the new pope’s authorised biographer, Sergio Rubin, argues that this was a failure of the Roman Catholic Church in general, and that it’s unfair to label Bergoglio with the collective guilt that many Argentines of his generation still deal with.

    “In some way many of us Argentines ended up being accomplices,” at a time when anyone who spoke out could be targeted, Rubin recalled in an interview just before the papal conclave.

    Some human rights activists accuse Bergoglio, 76, of being more concerned about preserving the church’s image than providing evidence for Argentina’s many human rights trials.

    “There’s hypocrisy here when it comes to the church’s conduct, and with Bergoglio in particular,” said Estela de la Cuadra, whose mother co-founded the Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo activist group during the dictatorship to search for missing family members. “There are trials of all kinds now, and Bergoglio systematically refuses to support them.”
    Bergoglio twice invoked his right under Argentine law to refuse to appear in open court in trials involving torture and murder inside the feared Navy Mechanics School and the theft of babies from detainees. When he eventually did testify in 2010, his answers were evasive, human rights attorney Myriam Bregman told the AP.

    Bergoglio’s own statements proved church officials knew from early on that the junta was torturing and killing its citizens even as the church publicly endorsed the dictators, she said. “The dictatorship could not have operated this way without this key support,” she said.
    Rubin, a religious affairs writer for the Argentine newspaper Clarin, said Bergoglio actually took major risks to save so-called “subversives” during the 1976-1983 dictatorship, but never spoke about it publicly before his 2010 biography, The Jesuit.

    In the book, Bergoglio explained that he didn’t want to stoop to his critics’ level – and then shared some of his stories. Bergoglio said he once passed his Argentine identity papers to a wanted man with a similar appearance, enabling him to escape over the border to Brazil, and added that many times he sheltered people inside church properties before they were safely delivered into exile.

    The most damning accusation against Bergoglio is that as the young leader of Argentina’s Jesuit order, he withdrew his support for two slum priests whose activist colleagues in the liberation theology movement were disappearing. The priests were then kidnapped and tortured at the Navy Mechanics School, which the junta used as a clandestine prison.

    Bergoglio said he had told the priests – Orlando Yorio and Francisco Jalics – to give up their slum work for their own safety, and they refused. But Yorio later accused Bergoglio of effectively delivering them to the death squads by declining to publicly endorse their work. Yorio is now dead, and Jalics has refused to discuss these events since moving into a German monastery.

    Both priests were eventually dropped off blindfolded in a field after a harrowing helicopter ride, two of the few detainees to have survived that prison.

    Rubin said Bergoglio only reluctantly told him the rest of the story: that he had gone to extraordinary, behind-the-scenes lengths to save them.

    Then in his 30s, the Jesuit leader persuaded the family priest of feared dictator Jorge Videla to call in sick so that he could say Mass instead. Once inside the junta leader’s home, Bergoglio privately appealed for mercy, Rubin wrote.

    All this was done in secret, at a time when other church leaders were publicly endorsing the junta and calling on Catholics to restore their “love for country” despite the terror in the streets.

    “It’s a very sensitive subject,” Rubin told the AP. “The Argentine church was one of the most conservative in Latin America. It showed a good disposition toward the military authorities, who, to make matters worse, considered themselves Christians and called themselves good Catholics.”

    Within the church hierarchy at the time, there were about 50 bishops, and most were conservatives. Some were very progressive, and ended up killed. Bergoglio was somewhere in the middle, Rubin suggested.

    “There were some who were in it up to their necks,” he said, citing Christian Federico von Wernich, who served as a police chaplain then and is now serving a life sentence for torture and kidnapping.

    “There were those who risked it all to openly challenge the junta, and some of those ended up dead,” Rubin added, among them Bishop Enrique Angelelli who was killed in a suspicious traffic accident in 1976 while carrying evidence about two murdered priests.
    Rubin says activists closely allied with the government of President Cristina Fernandez have “have tried to insert Bergoglio into some human rights trials, even when he truly shouldn’t be.”

    On the other hand, activists say the Argentine church waited far too long to apologise for its human rights failures, and has yet to identify those responsible for many human rights violations that the church was aware of at the time.

    Bergoglio was named Buenos Aires cardinal in 2001. But it wasn’t until 2006, after then-President Nestor Kirchner declared an official day of mourning for Angelelli on the 30th anniversary of his death, that Bergoglio called him a “martyr” in the church’s first official recognition that the bishop was murdered.

    Under Bergoglio’s leadership, Argentina’s bishops also issued a collective apology in October 2012 for the church’s failures to protect its flock during the dictatorship, but the statement blamed the era’s violence in roughly equal measure on both the junta and its enemies.
    “Bergoglio has been very critical of human rights violations during the dictatorship, but he has always also criticised the leftist guerrillas; he doesn’t forget that side,” Rubin said.
    Bergoglio also was accused of turning his back on the De la Cuadra family, which lost five relatives to state terror, including Estela’s sister Elena, who was five months’ pregnant before she was kidnapped and killed in 1977.

    The family appealed to the leader of the Jesuits in Rome, who urged Bergoglio to help them. Bergoglio then assigned a monsignor to talk with police, who gave them a heartbreaking statement: The woman was a communist, and therefore doomed, but she had given birth in captivity to a girl. That baby, in turn, was given to a family “too important” for the adoption to be reversed.

    Despite this evidence in a case he was personally involved with, Bergoglio testified in 2010 that he didn’t know about any stolen babies until well after the dictatorship was over.
    “Bergoglio has a very cowardly attitude when it comes to something so terrible as the theft of babies,” Estela de la Cuadra told the AP. “The question is how to save his name, save himself. But he can’t keep these allegations from reaching the public. The people know how he is.”

  28. ForgottenSaint

    The Holy See rocks! Hail Holy Queen Mother of Mercy! AVE MARIA! May more come to Christ’s Holy Mother Church!

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