I was going to briefly hit on the Duck Dynasty family threatening to quit the show if Phil Robertson isn’t brought back which effectively puts the situation into stasis until after the holidays when no one will give a shit anymore. (Well played again.) But then I had to open up Facebook this morning and get shotgunned with a depressing amount of supposedly kind, “love thy neighbor” Christians explicitly endorsing outspoken homophobia and racism in between continuing to not understand how freedom of speech works and a barrel of false equivalencies. So for the sake of brevity and my own sanity, here’s the most prominent one:
That’s right. Miley Cyrus twerking on MTV is worse than racism and subjugating homosexuals. And don’t get me wrong, the snarky dick in me – Wow, that came out wrong. – wants to agree and suggest Miley is way worse, but let’s be rational adults for a minute. Miley Cyrus might be the over-exposed unoriginal spawn of an industry that’s out of ideas who makes me want to shoot myself in the face every time I have to write about her, but at the end of the day, she’s just a 21-year-old woman who’s not hurting anybody. Phil Robertson, on the other hand, preaches a line of thinking that informs actual laws in this country. Right now there are states where you can be fired just for being gay. Or get cancer and not be allowed to have your spouse visit you in the hospital because that state doesn’t recognize you as a family member. His words have real life consequences which is why it’s the absolute highest of selfishness to say, “Oh, who gives a shit?” And that’s not even touching on the racism which every moron backing up Phil Robertson is endorsing because its part and parcel with this fiasco. Explain to me how that’s just a man “practicing his religion” which is the bullshit little bubble Duck Dynasty fans have been trying to insulate this situation with as if that makes any of this acceptable. I seem to recall some Muslims just practicing their beliefs by crashing planes into a few buildings, and everyone got all bent out of shape about it. Why you hatin’?
But that’s not even what I’m most bothered about. What I’m most bothered about is that not a single advertiser has come forward and said they’re backing out of the show. In fact, it’s been just the opposite (Stay classy, Under Armour.) because, Jesus Christ, what a golden cash cow. With an audience this rabid and gullible, and absolutely zero financial blowback, there’s no way in hell A&E isn’t going to bring it back without Phil Robertson on it. Ignorance is America’s most reliable demographic. And you know what? Fuck it. If people want to throw away their hard-earned money on redneck bobbleheads because they’re bigoted shitheads like them, knock yourself out, but at least do the rest of us a favor by learning how employment contracts work before the next fiasco. Which you won’t, so fortunately I’ve proposed a deal to stop all this from happening again now that I see the true nature of your strife:
We’ll get rid of Miley Cyrus if you let gays have the exact same rights as straight people. BOOM. Tell me how everyone doesn’t win in this situation. Besides Miley Cyrus. She doesn’t count.