Paula Deen Will Talk Like Popeye Now, Let He Who Is Without Spinach Cast The First Stone

“I is what I is,” Paula Deen said this morning on TODAY while impressively sticking to her new PR crisis team’s message that she’s being maliciously crucified by the liberal media for only saying nigger once in her entire life in 1986 when a black man held a gun to her head. And you know, they call themselves that, Matt, so how’s a poor, old Southern woman supposed to know what’s right or wrong?

On Wednesday Lauer specifically asked Deen if she had any doubt that African-Americans found the N-word offensive.
“I don’t know, I have asked myself that so many times,” Deen said. “It’s very distressing for me to go into my kitchens and hear what these young people are calling each other … it’s very distressing for me. I think for this problem to be worked on, that these young people are gonna have to take control and start showing respect for each other.”

“When they said that word, why their huju magic just makes it fly right into mah mouth,” she originally said in a mock interview before being forced to eat salad for going off-message. And that message is deep fry The Bible and spoon-feed it to a moron fanbase sitting in front of their TVs with their mouths open just waiting for it. And an insulin shot:

“If there’s anyone out there that has never said something that they wish they could take back, if you’re out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me, please I want to meet you.”

Yes, perfect. Now address the wickedness directly, Paula, for I am the Lord thy God and I have found your actions pure and your donuts just fucking delicious. Seriously, what’s in these?

Deen ended the interview in dramatic fashion, saying, “There’s someone evil out there that saw what I had worked for, and they wanted it.”

Look, you know that point when you’re on your fifth McRib and just the thought of one more bite of delicious, BBQ-slathered tire mat makes you sick? That’s exactly where I’m at with Paula Deen, so let’s cut to the custard core: She’s only “sorry” because she got caught. And even then she’s not even apologizing for what’s really going on here. In fact, her lawyers are scrambling right now to make sure no one digs anymore into exactly what that is which is a history of discriminatory, if not downright illegal, business practices against black employees. Business practices that don’t make Paula Deen a Klan member with a noose, but make her part of the long-standing tradition of institutionalized racism in the south that she’s been allowed to believe is acceptable her whole life because “that’s the way things are.” Or she’s being tested by the Devil for truly these are the end times when witches shall defy the laws of man and hedonism is the rule of the land. REPENT!