Paula Deen Releases Statement: ‘I’m Old And From The South, You Idiots’
“Have I ever tried cooking with brown sugar? Whatever do you- Oh, I see what you did there. (Fetch me the sheriff. Quickly.)”
Earlier in the week, Paula Deen found herself in some sugar-shit, sugar, when during a court deposition she not only confirmed that she has on occasion referred to coloreds as niggers, but also wishes she could dress them up in bow ties and make them tap dance at her brother’s wedding. Not in a racist way, of course, but simply to capture the pageantry of the pre-Civil War era when one could use one’s property as one saw fit. Like the America those brave Tea Party folks want to bring back, bless their hearts. So to combat the PR nightmare, Paula Deen Enterprises has released an official statement basically reminding everyone that Paula is old and from the south. What did you expect here? TMZ reports:
“During a deposition where she swore to tell the truth, Ms. Deen recounted having used a racial epithet in the past, speaking largely about a time in American history which was quite different than today.”
… “[Paula] was born 60 years ago when America’s South had schools that were segregated, different bathrooms, different restaurants and Americans rode in different parts of the bus. This is not today.”
“To be clear Ms. Deen does not find acceptable the use of this term under any circumstance by anyone nor condone any form of racism or discrimination.”
This was actually a smart move because, again, Paula Deen has lived in the south her whole life and older people are crazy set in their ways, so none of this should come as a shock to anyone. Fortunately, senior citizens like Paula don’t compromise a demographic who consistently votes with the largest numbers in every single federal, state and local election, so America should enter a bold, new future free of superstition and tradition any minute now. In fact, let me check some election numbers to find out when- SONOFABITCH. Okay, new plan: Who wants to be a Canadian?