Even Ham Fired Paula Deen. Loyal, Delicious Ham.

The Superficial / June 25, 2013

If there’s one person who should be standing by Paula Deen’s side as Obama fires her for saying nigger once 35 years ago, it’s ham. Ham should be gently cupping Paula’s jowls in its hand saying, “Shh, shh, you come from a different time. You can’t help it. Now jam that baster full of butter and confectionery sugar into me. Mmm, yeah, that’s right. Get it in there deep.” But ham did not do that. Ham cast her out just like all the others, the traitorous swine. People reports:

Paula Deen’s racial slur scandal is costing her an endorsement deal with Smithfield, the pork company that sold a ham with her name and face on it.
“Smithfield condemns the use of offensive and discriminatory language and behavior of any kind,” Smithfield says in a statement. “Therefore, we are terminating our partnership with Paula Deen. Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader and it is important that our values and those of our spokespeople are properly aligned.”

One day, ham. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even a year from now. But one day, you’ll find yourself alone wondering where the one person who treated you with love and respect and an occasional glazed donut between your spirals has gone, and there, in that sad moment, a solitary name will escape your bacon lips: “Paula… Paula…” On this, I bet my life.

For everyone who thinks this is based entirely on Paula Deen admitting truthfully like a good Christian that she said nigger a long, long time ago, here she is talking about her poor great-grandfather who committed suicide after his son died fighting the war and he lost his workers. And by fighting the war, she means the Civil War – for the Confederacy. And by workers, she means the people he owned like property. “Slaves,” I believe they were called.

And here’s Anne Rice lamenting the plight of rich white women in the South and how they’re constantly lynched. Won’t someone think of the white women?!

UPDATE: If someone were to ask me my vision of a perfect, post-racial America, this. It’d be this:

Photo: WENN