Even Ham Fired Paula Deen. Loyal, Delicious Ham.

June 25th, 2013 // 53 Comments
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If there’s one person who should be standing by Paula Deen‘s side as Obama fires her for saying nigger once 35 years ago, it’s ham. Ham should be gently cupping Paula’s jowls in its hand saying, “Shh, shh, you come from a different time. You can’t help it. Now jam that baster full of butter and confectionery sugar into me. Mmm, yeah, that’s right. Get it in there deep.” But ham did not do that. Ham cast her out just like all the others, the traitorous swine. People reports:

Paula Deen’s racial slur scandal is costing her an endorsement deal with Smithfield, the pork company that sold a ham with her name and face on it.
“Smithfield condemns the use of offensive and discriminatory language and behavior of any kind,” Smithfield says in a statement. “Therefore, we are terminating our partnership with Paula Deen. Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader and it is important that our values and those of our spokespeople are properly aligned.”

One day, ham. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even a year from now. But one day, you’ll find yourself alone wondering where the one person who treated you with love and respect and an occasional glazed donut between your spirals has gone, and there, in that sad moment, a solitary name will escape your bacon lips: “Paula… Paula…” On this, I bet my life.

For everyone who thinks this is based entirely on Paula Deen admitting truthfully like a good Christian that she said nigger a long, long time ago, here she is talking about her poor great-grandfather who committed suicide after his son died fighting the war and he lost his workers. And by fighting the war, she means the Civil War – for the Confederacy. And by workers, she means the people he owned like property. “Slaves,” I believe they were called.

And here’s Anne Rice lamenting the plight of rich white women in the South and how they’re constantly lynched. Won’t someone think of the white women?!

UPDATE: If someone were to ask me my vision of a perfect, post-racial America, this. It’d be this:

Photo: WENN

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  1. Kodos

    So Paula Deen uses the “n-word” in a private conversation in her past, and must be destroyed, financially ruined, and villified.

    Meanwhile, Q. Tarantino makes movies with 100+ uses of this same “N-word”, and various ‘rappers’ prodigiously sprinkle their so-called ‘music’ with the “N-word”, and they are lauded, promoted, and make millions from the ignorant masses.

    Got it.

    • The only real “victims” of N-bombs are the white people that use it. Everybody else is just offended, which counts for jack shit.

      • 99.998% of the readership

        Why does Fish even care about this shit?
        Fuck Paula Deen. Just show me boobies; sweet, luscious, mouth-watering boobies.

        Save the racist shit for Pacific Radio or MSNBC.

      • Ian

        I’m pretty sure that the fish we both love left the building a while back. Probably when the site was sold to SpinMedia last fall. I think all his jokes about midgets got him in trouble for not being “sensitive” enough and he was shown the front door. And judging from the way he’s been going on about this Paula Deen nonsense I’m guessing the replacment was hired under affirmative action.

      • Yeah, because only someone who’s black could possibly care about someone white slinging racists slurs while they lament that they can’t plan a slave-themed wedding, in between trying to bring back the dear dead days of segregated washrooms and entries. So do your part to combat this “nonsense” – don’t boycott Deen’s restaurant or any of her products and recipes!

        Because the sooner you kick off from a free-floating chunk of cholesterol-laden arterial plaque, the better off the rest of the world will be.

    • The Most Interesting

      Sorry you’re feeling butthurt about not being able to let your racist flag fly freely.

    • Guest

      She didn’t use the word privately, that is why she is being sued, silly! She used it as a business owner, in front of employees, in the place of business! She was repeatedly told by many sources (general managers, business parterns, outside evaluation firms) that her brother was treating staff differently based on race, sexually harassing people, being physically abusive, but she did nothing. As a business owner, she made sooooooo many mistakes.

    • Uh, she’s being ‘destroyed’ for her racist practices and discrimination .. which is SEPARATE from the N-word issue. That’s just the racist icing on the lard-cake.

    • Kodos

      Ahh, you people are so comfortingly predictable!! Regurgitate all the mock outrage right from the approved script!

      Oh dear; I said ‘you people’… it’s code for my inner hate! Are you feeling repressed yet??

      Maybe I should discuss my ‘ethnic background’… nahh, every cat gets bored with the mouse eventually, and this is just TOO easy.

      Equal standards and expectations, or NONE. Regardless of race, color, or creed.

      Are you learning, yet?

    • *pssst* …kodos …your white hood is peeking out from the closet.

  2. I like the part where Anne Rice says, “She didn’t say the N-word to a black person. She said it to a white person. That makes it okay.”

    • Yes, because she wasn’t mean enough to keep telling black people to their face what white people already know – that they’re inferior.

      What else can you expect from someone who’s so arrogant and entitled that she not only refuses to work with an editor, but when critical reviews come in, terms them “slander” and writes her own review of her work because they were “”interrogating this text from the wrong perspective.”

  3. kimmykimkim

    Who cares about this fat bag of ass juice, anyway?

  4. Tiggles

    Something about this isn’t kosher.

  5. Matt Lauer

    What this story needs next is a leaked Paula Deen sex tape.

  6. Bane

    So I guess her new Soul Food Cookbook isn’t going to fly.

  7. Jimmy

    This is not the first time Ham has mistreated Paula

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xXKPyyoDJY

    Frankly, she should have seen this coming

  8. Robb7

    Hey, she has a $17 million cushion to rest her fat, buttery, sugary ass on. I have zero sympathy. Let’s move on to the next dumb story.

  9. Stacy

    Smithfield doesn’t want a supposed racist associated with them but Smithfield has no problen exploiting illegals working at their processing plants.

  10. Deacon Jones

    George Bush hates Paula Deen?

  11. “Therefore, we are terminating our partnership with Paula Deen. Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader and it is important that our values and those of our spokespeople are properly aligned.”

    The Curse of Ham.

  12. Let me guess, her next move is going to be trying to overcome this ugly episode by putting out a cookbook of fried chicken recipes.

  13. stratacat

    I just moved to the south and it never ceases to amaze me how often I hear that word thrown around nonchalantly. I’ve asked white people politely not to use it in my house and they look at me like I’m teaching calculus to a fish.

  14. Oh she wears fur, too. Bonus points on the self-absorbed superiority douche ladder.

  15. ali

    “Naggers. It was naggers. People that annoy you…?”

  16. voice for good

    Smithfield says they are an ethical leader in the food industry. The bastards are felons in how they factory farm and cruely treat their “commodity”

  17. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    “Smithfield is determined to be an ethical food industry leader ”

    Does that mean they refuse to have anything to do with factory farmed animals? A practice that maybe legal but is hardly ethical? Corporate bullshit always flows thickly.

  18. Jenn

    Smithfield ham is nasty as hell. Paula is an idiot, and prob a racist, along with her perv brother. The Jackson woman may be right, but she’s also a gold digger.

    Anne Rice is on my list for never writing a sequel to The Mummy and for making Lestat all freaking happy in that last book. Fuck her.

  19. Her hair, brows, eyes and teeth are all artificial. What’s there real in her? Skin maybe? No, it’s make-up too.

  20. Tony Barolin

    I would like to pound the ham right out of her. She is a fine woman.

  21. RE: Fish’s caption… fucking hilarious.

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