Paris Hilton really, really wants to be relevant again

October 8th, 2008 // 128 Comments

Because everyone thought Paris Hilton’s political ad was so effing adorable, she somehow roped Martin Sheen into helping her beat a dead horse then rape its carcass. If The West Wing going off the air didn’t effectively end Martin Sheen’s career, this thing put him out of his misery.

EXTRA CREDIT: While I was typing this post, I couldn’t help but think “Wow, Paris Hilton is literally just a diseased labia away from careening into obscurity.” Which is sweet justice considering, up until recently, she was the queen of undeserved celebrity. But now Heidi & Spencer are mugging like trained chimps for that title. So, here’s the question: If you had to choose between the Douche Twins or Paris, which would you rather see fall off the face of the planet while the other remains a “celebrity?” (And you have to choose or else something catastrophic will happen like, I dunno, beer no longer tastes delicious.) DISCUSS.


  1. #37 That’s the kind of shit that gives people wonky-eye. What the hell? :)

  2. Plixtle

    God that depresses the hell out of my. Charlie is where he belongs – clubbing next to Paris in a schlub video. But Martin? Oh, Martin… from Apocalypse Now to this… how the mighty have fallen…

  3. kate

    I would pay money to see Paris keep her ‘celebrity’ while the Douche Twins from Douchville are thrown in the the embassaing void of obscurity with the likes of Kathy Griffith, Vanilla Ice, Pauly Shore, and that guy from Saved by the Bell. Extra points for taking Criss Angel with them.

  4. Sara

    Heidi and Spencer come off as, amazingly, even more VAPID than Paris ever did. At least, as you mentioned before, she actually does something. Her idea of a hard day’s work will never compare to any normal person’s, but she has actually done some things to earn her fame. The douche twins would make the world a better place by falling into its depths.

  5. belindadee

    the Douche twins must die. At least there is only one of Paris, and as far as I know, she canot reproduce asexually. The douche twins have the potential to breed a generation of super douche children.

  6. James

    hmmm tough choice. Time to weigh the cons (there are no pros)
    -Spencer and Heidi generate a douche-radiation field proven to cause cancer.
    -Spencer and Heidi ruined taco fucking bell for me.

    -Paris is an idiot fame whore with a plague vagina.

    The answer is clear. Kill the douches.
    At least Paris is slightly (very very slightly) more real… I mean if paris goes shopping for mansions you’re at least certain she’ll be buying one. Sure it would probably be for her dog but still.

  7. faye


  8. I really think I would rather the douchbag duo fall off the planet. At least with Paris there’s just one of her.

  9. @57…I’m sorry, not trying to be cruel but that is the lamest shit I’ve ever heard. Do you really think they are sitting around reading all this crap we have to say about them and that it “fuels their fire”? That truly makes me laugh. And now I’m intrigued…an award for what?

  10. adeliza


    I’m not giving him a pass. She just annoys me more. They both need to fuck off. But she is the worse of the 2 in my eyes…..

    Thats all.

  11. bexybeans

    Definitely Heidi and Spencer. Actually, I wouldn’t mind Heidi so much if that douchbag Spencer wasn’t always attached to her hip. I’ve never watched the Hills, but something about Spencer and his “creepy flesh colored beard,” as Joel McHale says, is really irritating and awful. He should die a thousand deaths and then be forced to suck Lauren Conrad’s dick.

  12. the o

    @ 59 Actually I do think they read this. I think they read everything they can find about themselves online. It’s probably the only thing they read. Why else would you stage all those stupid fucking photos? They probably masturbate to each post. I doubt they are fucking.

  13. byron

    Even though there isn’t some inevitable catastrophe, can we still get rid of Douche and Douchier? Maybe throw Palin under the wagon too. We will make the world a better place.

  14. kramer

    But, why? Why do we have to choose? Can’t we get rid of them all?

  15. snuffy

    I agree with basically everyone, keep Paris.
    As wonky and std-ridden as she may be, at least the girl makes me laugh.
    The other two douches make my skin crawl, especially the boy douche’s smarmy ass teeny-in-the-middle face. Although, girl douche’s Guy Smiley head is nearly as bad.

  16. Heidi and Spencer. I want them to die in a fire.

  17. TOOL

    Douche twins

  18. dk

    Wow, I can’t believe you are forcing me to ask you to give me more Paris, but the douche-twins need to die a terrible death. Thank god that someday the Hills will go off the air and everyone can then forget they even exist. Here is to hoping anyways..

  19. njny


  20. Mark

    Keep Spencer! He’s like the lovechild of William Shatner and Bob Hope. Great things to come indeed.

  21. Maximus

    If this is the choice, please, please, please give me more Paris Hilton.

  22. kate

    also – i have to say, though i have great repect for The Superficial Writer’s comical prowess: i ALWAYS skip over the speidi posts and feel a little more dead inside knowing that these two are still around and someone thinks that they are relevant enough to be written about. even if it is only to make fun of them.

  23. hate

    I would like to see no more of the dumb twins. paris stays.

  24. Brian

    I’d rather see Paris Hilton become the next Oprah than see those two fuckfaces get anymore attention. I wake up everyday sincerely hoping to read of their demise, but would settle for never having to see their smug, posed photos ever again. Ever.

    They should (as well as anyone who fuels their “popularity” by caring what goes on in “The Hills”) take up multiple hobbies that have a high risk of infertility……

    End of rant.

  25. TeeTime

    I am regular for the site, I come for nipples, up skirts and the hilarity that Superficial writer offers. That said , we all know Paris has provided all those. Even though we may never want to look at the eternal darkness that is Paris’ STI infested vagina, she provides. She constantly puts her self in terrible situations, whether staged or real it gives Superficial Writer funny things to say.

    On the other hand I have no idea who Spency and Hector are or what they’ve done to deserve and front page time on the site.I scan the pictures to see if she’s naked, if not i skip article so I say EFF them, I vote for Paris.


  26. Holly

    I’d push Heidi and Spencer off myself, then just walk away and find myself a delicious cold beer, and that my friends, would make the world a better place.

  27. kill speidi. please.

  28. DaddyzGirl

    Douche Twins, Be Gone! Off with their heads!!

  29. Shaft

    Keep Paris, kill Spencer, tie Heidi up to a chair in a warehouse with a ball gag in her mouth.

    At least Paris makes sex tapes.

  30. friendlyfires

    NO,no, no,no,no,no,no,no,no!
    You phrasing the question all wrong, Soup Or Fish Al Wry-Duh!
    Marry, Fuck or Kill:
    Kill the Spencer/Montag aberration with a flamethrower and eight dozen buckets of quicklime
    Fuck Paris HIlton (wearing at least two dozen condoms and a NASA EVA suit)
    Marry Winona Ryder AND Christina RIcci (please girls, call me – I MISS YOU BOTH!)

  31. sarah

    i would vote for paris hilton ANY DAY over the Douche Twins.

  32. Lorien

    Give me Paris anyday over Speidi. I think if given the opportunity, and it would not cause them anymore fame or me any harship, I would run speidi over with my car.

  33. sirrix

    I love this debate. It’s like asking someone whether they’d rather have terminal nut cancer or AIDS. Fantastic debate; keep it up, people.

  34. Spencer Pratt

    I vote for Paris. Heidi and I are royalty.

  35. Buttercup

    Wow, great debate! If I had it my way though I would build a time machine, go back in time to before Paris was famous for nothing, then kill her. If she had never became famous, neither would have Speidi (?). She opened the door for all of those losers. Oh and Nicole Ritchie. She knows why.

  36. The Man from Mars is eating Cars

    Is it even a contest? Paris is self-absorbed and annyoing at times, but Speidi are PESTILENCE and SOCIETAL PLAGUE wrapped up in a package of cultural irrelevance. When California finally falls into the ocean, I hope they are at the bottom of the rock pile.

  37. ohnoyoudidn't

    Paris and relevant do NOT belong in the same sentence….

  38. Danklin24

    Keep Paris around, at least she’s good at sucking cock but thats about all. Heidi might be good at it too but look what options she has, a plastic Ken doll with hair that never moves and the same ridiculous smile.

  39. jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnah

    kill the douche twins!!

  40. xero

    heidi and spencer only get coverage on sites like this. they will fade into oblivion soon enough. paris has more potential staying power. so get rid of her.

    now, superficial, do your part to end heidi and spencer coverage.

  41. Loob

    Death to the doucheburger twins. Paris at least knows how to laugh at herself. Them other two make me wanna stab babies.

  42. Jox

    Keep Paris. Kill the douche-twins.

  43. Dirtbag#1

    That’s like choosing between cancer and AIDS, but I’d take Paris over the douche twins any day.

  44. Dirtbag#1

    That’s like choosing between cancer and AIDS, but I’d take Paris over the douche twins any day.

  45. ceasar

    kill the DTs but wait long enough until thier porno comes out….. .. kinda wanna see heidi get pounded before she gets killed.

  46. Cobra

    Paris stays; Douche Twins go (preferably in a very slow and very painful way — being flayed to death by a thousand paper-thin razorblades covered in iodine and alcohol comes to mind).

    Paris gave us sex tapes. She puts out and has the decency of showing it to us. If Heidi were to do a sex tape, it would probably be with her douche-ass boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to say that NOBODY would want that. We all know even that would be staged so badly, it would ruin whatever modicum of porntainment value it could possibly have. Also, Tits McGee is kinda hot, but not anywhere nearly enough for us to even consider seeing any part of Doucher Pratt’s naked body.

  47. Givemeabreak

    I just gnawed my own arm off to get away from this question.

  48. blowdog

    dude WTF I’m just about to punch the jaw loose from the fucking plastic manequin couple – at least Hilton has a certain style and class surrounding her retardedness.

  49. megs

    Sorry, I feel as if I’m going against the majority here, but I gotta say DROP PARIS.

    I don’t watch whatever it is the other two have gotten recognition(?) for but I see and hear enough about Paris Hilton to the point where it’s gotten to be beyond ri-cock-u-lous.

  50. Jen

    Paris is hilarious at times. Spencer and Heidi just make me want to puke. I definitely choose Spencer and Heidi to fall off the face of the planet and never stage another photo shoot again!

Leave A Comment