Paris Hilton ‘Doesn’t Have Time’ for Coke

August 31st, 2010 // 36 Comments

In the midst of her self-orchestrated arrest for cocaine possession, Paris Hilton‘s hairstylist has rushed to her defense by having the huge, gay balls to say, wait for it, she “doesn’t have time” to do coke. Paris Hilton. Doesn’t have time for coke. The same Paris Hilton getting sprayed with champagne on one of her 800 vacations (above) doesn’t have time for coke. — I’ll bite. Via RadarOnline

Paris Hilton’s hair stylist Michael Boychuck tells RadarOnline.com exclusively that Hilton “wants everyone to know she does not do drugs and does not have time for that.”
“Paris and I have been texting since her arrest. Poor girl; my heart goes out to her and I feel bad about what happened,” Boychuck said.
“She told me the cocaine they found did not belong to her. She expressed to me that her career is very important and she would never do drugs or anything else for that matter to destroy what she’s worked so hard for.”

For shits and giggles, I decided to take a look through the past couple of Paris Hilton posts to see if there’s any possible way she might have a second to snort cocaine. What I found will shock you to your very core, provided you just woke up from a 20-year coma and have no idea what this Internet dealie is. (Hint: It’s sorcery.)

Paris Hilton shopping. Time for coke.
Paris Hilton shopping again. Time for coke.
Paris Hilton still shopping. Time for coke.
Paris Hilton drunkenly making out with Karissa Shannon. Time for coke.
Paris Hilton flashing her groin at a nightclub with restroom stalls. TIME FOR COKE.

Now had this guy made the argument that Paris Hilton has too many herpes to do coke, I would’ve nodded in agreement because I don’t even see how you can argue with that. “Too many herpes? — Shit, he’s got us there. It’s like debating Jesus!”

Photos: Fame, Flynet, Splash News

superficial

  1. stinky mcpoop

    I bet she always makes time for Pepsi. Zing!

  2. Nero

    Occasionally sniffing champagne spray does moisturize the leatherly nostrils.

  3. Frassington T Bear

    Cute body but they could use a mold of her face to make gorilla cookies… although I would still eat them. Because I’m a bear, you see.

  4. RoboZombie

    Does she have time for some head? Cuz I’d “spray some champagne” on her ugly mug.

    • Billy Seatsniffer

      video evidence confirms that yes, yes she does have time for head. Also, some competencey was also displayed.

  5. KUNG FU MASTER

    i dont have time to die right now

  6. Somebody

    Why is Spider-Man spraying champagne on Paris Hilton? WTF! Is this for a movie?

  7. christina

    when your “career” is being rich and retarded, you most certainly have time for coke. you pencil that shit in

  8. But she definitely has time to blow random balls…and make a video of it. Okay.

  9. dingdong

    According to Paris Hilton herself,she’s getting sprayed here with suntan lotion.

  10. Compound9

    Two things are needed… Means and Opportunity. I may make the assumption that someone who has people to serve them not only has the means but also has the Opportunity. The only element of that equation still unknown is her personal resolve to stay away from Coke or other drugs, but Considering her ties to club scenes and other people of the so called celebrity ilk, It would be ill conceived and downright ignorant of us to believe that she doesn’t do Coke or Drugs at all.

    If I was in her shoe’s and decisions played no consequential role in my life, I would be on anything and everything I wanted whenever I wanted. Ill just assume she really is on everything.

    • McFeely Smackup

      considering that she was caught in POSSESSION of cocaine, and her entire lifestyle is one leisure event after another, I’d say she pretty clearly qualifies as having both means and opportunity.

    • Pathetic excuse

      She’s as guilty as sin, and is trying one lame excuse after another to get out of it. Funny thing is, Nevada is NOT like California; they don’t suck on the celebrity cock like celebusychopant Calfornia. They tossed OJ’s ass in jail in a heartbeat; they’ll throw this braindead whore into jail as well, regardless of how she stupidly complains how “she’s a victim” or “she doesn’t have time for cocaine”…

  11. Pathetic excuse

    I hate this lying attention slutting whore with a passion. She can’t die fast enough to suit me…

  12. yeahandalso

    Or you know the multiple videos of her onling smoking pot, and the video of her on Joe Francis’s yatch where the coffee table is COVERED in coke

  13. Pseudopodia

    No support for the Muslims in this post, Pesce?
    Slackin’.

  14. What is this “career” she speaks of? Shopping is a career? I *do* need a job…

  15. mcfeely smackup

    exactly how much time does it take to use coke anyway?

  16. timmy the dying boy

    Oh, goody for her; I’m positive this testimony will let her beat the rap.

  17. Paris's Hole
    Commented on this photo:

    who’s the guy kissing her?

  18. Robert Acquafresca

    Yeah, and my man Tiger Woods has no time for Pu$$y.
    Die Paris, just die.

  19. captain america

    …………..you will be surprised.

  20. Jill

    hahaha, gotta love that last photo. Totally pathetic.

    As far as the cocaine thing goes, “She told me the cocaine they found did not belong to her”… UM – wasn’t that her excuse the other 5,000 times she’s been caught in possession of drugs.

    epic IN-FUCKING-JUSTICE.

  21. I’ll be praying for Las Vegas District Attorney David Roger that he upholds the law and doesn’t end up on the Hilton payroll with Paris’s rich daddy money to let her off the hook. Paris Jailton is a criminal and MUST PAY FOR HER CRIMES.
    https://twitter.com/emdagard

  22. Pathetic excuse

    So, according to dimwit paris, the purse “wasn’t hers”, the coke “wasn’t hers”, but the $1,300 & credit cards in the purse were hers. According to her, she “saw the baggie of coke in the purse earlier in the evening, but thought it was gum”.

    Just how fucking stupid is this idiot? Does anyone here believe anything she’s said so far?

    • Elite

      I do. Being rich does not mean a person is a grovelling drug addict like the poor. When she says she is too busy, she means it. Although indeed it is a fabulous life for the privelege, there is still work involved. Just not the kind of grinding mindless nonsense that you worker types perform. She is always going somewhere and yes she makes the money she is entitled to. Maybe she does not work 9 to 5 like the common folk.
      Get over it and get back to your chores.

      • Alexandra Hemale

        Elite, you must be snorting the same shit Paris is.

      • L

        No, she is not making the money she is entitled to. Social workers, teachers, farmers, people working on important issues that affect us all- like fighting global warming, fighting poverty, fighting disease, etc are entitled to that kind of money. Since when did shopping, going tanning, getting your hair done, going on vacation, going to the club, entitle ANYONE to that kind of money??

    • um ok when you you’re arrested for drugs or alcohol, don’t they normally take a blood or urine sample? seems pretty fuckin basic. you have the probable cause for search since she was in posession. and a fuckin piss test would pretty much show if she was using coke. sorry but isn’t that standard fucking operating procedure? i mean, if you want the posession charge stick?

  23. ReelWorld

    All these “celebs” who are famous for doing SFA (Paris, Nicole, Kim K, etc) need to be locked into a portable toilet and set on fire. They are not role models for the kids, they contribute nothing to society, and seem to think they are untouchable because of the wealth they were born into. If this story was about any normal everyday person, they would already be in jail serving time for felony possession. Here’s hoping they throw the book at this bitch and she serves some REAL time – and in gen pop too – no cozy private cell with a personal caterer. If she gets off scott free, then it is proof that the legal system in the US is totally fucked.

  24. sobrietyisacrutch

    I must be waaay too old. I simply do not get this. Forget the judicial system for a minute. What the fuck do her PARENTS think of this?!! I know she’s 24 or 25 but doesn’t she have ANY shit to pay when they hear about all this? I’m older than a lot of you here and I guarantee you – to this day, my mother would kick my fucking ass if I ever pulled half the shit that Paris pulls. And my mother is 70 and lives across the country. Same goes for my brother who is 7 years older than me.
    Jesus H. Christ!

  25. poohtattoo

    Well, let’s look at how long it takes to do coke.
    Obviously, she doesn’t need to call a dealer. That shaves off 5mins.
    Her assistant will actually line it up for her, another couple mins taken off.
    So, really…yeah she has the one minute to snort a line.

    If she can’t manage that, then she really does have the mental capacity of a Tic Tax.

  26. bitingontinfoil

    She ‘doesn’t have time for coke?’ Yeah, and Whitney was “too rich” for crack!!

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