The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.17.14

November 17th, 2014 // 447 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed featuring the return of Katy Perry‘s breasts, except she put them on Twitter. This is how out of touch with where the kids are posting themselves half-naked these days she is and wow, that got creepy real fast. Uh…uh…look, Alexander Skarsgard‘s holding this gas pump like it’s his dick! And what the hell is Russell Brand staring at in the sky? I bet it’s not pseudo child porn…

And fuck that was probably the worst person to try to legitimize this post with *pulls rip cord,*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Is Quintessential GOOP

November 17th, 2014 // 34 Comments

We’re beginning our initial descent into the maw of the holiday beast where we’ll be slowly digested over the course of the next six weeks. So to speed up that process, here’s the 2014 GOOP Gift Guide which promises to try and stay under $100, yet immediately starts with a $285 zipper wallet that some asshole’s trying to call a “currency case.” For that kind of money, it should have a tiny panda inside that blows you, and before you say that’s ridiculous, I just told you a zipper wallet costs $285 because some jerk changed the name to “currency case.” You’re missing the trees for the Blowjay Panda.

The 2014 Gift Guide After The Jump

ANGELINA JOLIE’S BEWBS!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments

As advertised in the classiest headline of your life, here are Angelina Jolie’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards where, granted, they’re not a naked, Photoshopped FUPA – I’m sorry, squelchy pudendum. – I know for a fact they still have enough Internet juice in them to break something. Perhaps a small Croatian cat blog. Or maybe even AOL. Remember AOL? (Still in business? Get the fuck out. How?)

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Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off At A Poker Game

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Jose Canseco

A few weeks back, Jose Canseco managed to do the impossible by shooting his finger off and bringing together both sides of the gun control argument to laugh at his stupidity. Even more amazingly, I learned from gun nuts that, “It went off while I was cleaning it!” almost always means “I was playing with it like an idiot.” For that brief second, we actually stopped being partisan adversaries and were just normal assholes laughing at a moron’s misfortune on the Internet. It was the single most beautiful moment in my life. Anyway, since then, Jose had the finger reattached, but in the shittiest way possible because it smelled like death-ass and fell off in the middle of a poker tournament which he live-tweeted because why not?

Jose Canseco Tweets About His Finger Falling Off After The Jump

Emily Ratajkowski’s Breasts Deserve A Post

November 17th, 2014 // 21 Comments

I almost just tossed these pics of Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards into the drunk Johnny Depp post and said something like, “Haha, wouldn’t it have been better posted if I talked about these, you guys?” But then I realized her breasts are people, too, and deserve their own post. So as punishment for my crime, I’ve already taken the time to dress myself and changed out of pajama pants before 5 PM – *watches Photo Boy faint* – because what I did was wrong and I’m man enough to admit it. On that note, I’ll now accept arguments on why I should also chop off a hand. Let’s open the floor.

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Photos: Carlos Piaggio / MPNC/AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News

Johnny Depp’s Drunk Or Something

November 17th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Johnny Depp
WATCH: Johnny Depp Seems A Bit Out of It

Now that one of your most prominent childhood memories has been accused of anal rape for the 14th (15th?) time, let’s get back to celebrities embarrassing themselves in public. Here’s Johnny Depp presenting at the Hollywood Film Awards where he was either drunk or pretending to be drunk because he has a hot, young fiance to impress. “Babe, watch me pretend to be get wasted in front of old stuffed shirts,” he probably tried to text her before realizing he was typing into one of the 10 bolo ties he chose to wear that night. It’s turquoise light beautifully complimenting his 27 ring scarves, blonde highlights, and exactly two and a half pea coats.

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A New Bill Cosby Rape Accuser Came Forward

November 17th, 2014 // 62 Comments
Bill Cosby Meme Generator
Bill Cosby Memes
Or 'How To Get Fired As A Social Media Manager' Read More »

When we last left Bill Cosby, his Twitter team thought it’d be a great idea to ask the Internet to “meme him” which ended with predictable results, and things haven’t got much better. His upcoming appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman was quietly pulled, and then on Saturday he made headlines after a disastrous NPR interview where he just sat there shaking his head “no” because his team literally didn’t expect anyone to ask him about the rape allegations. He’s Bill Cosby for crying out loud! And now music journalist and publicist Joan Tarshis has come forward in an essay to Hollywood Elsewhere where she details two alleged rapes in 1969 and issues a call for more victims to come forward:

“It took me about 20 years to admit this to anyone. My girlfriend, who was a cartoonist, told me she had heard rumors about Cosby, and believed them. She always thought where there’s smoke there’s fire.
“But during those years as I grew into adulthood, I watched Cosby be praised by everyone from Presidents to Oprah to the Jello Corporation. It all made me ill, knowing first-hand there was something unbalanced about him. I had heard and/or strongly suspected I was not the only white girl he had drugged and raped but I never had any proof. No one began talking until 2004. And though I knew I should say something, I still felt ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t earlier.
“In any event now, as more and more of his rape victims have come forward, all telling similar stories, the time is right to join them.”

You can check out the full essay below, and then watch as shitheads fly out of the woodwork to accuse this woman of going after Bill Cosby’s money which she’s obviously doing by giving away her story for free and not suing him in court. It’s practically diabolical the lengths these whores will go to, and in case the sarcasm is being lost here, choke on a bag of Jell-O dicks.

Another Cosby Victim Comes Out – Hollywood Elsewhere

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Rosie Huntington-Whiteley In A Bikini And Other News

November 17th, 2014 // 9 Comments

- Fifty Shades of Grey has a new trailer. Where’s the pube-pulling?! [Lainey Gossip]

- It’s the vagina cake from Snooki‘s baby shower. You read that right. [Fishwrapper]

- Evan Rachel Wood is done being a lesbian already. [Dlisted]

- If You Like Tattoos Get In Here [theCHIVE]

- Charlie Hunnam in Men’s Health is the man-candy you requested. [The Frisky]

- Claudia Romani‘s ass went snorkeling. [WWTDD]

- Reminder: Men’s rights advocates are clown shoes. [Death and Taxes]

- Kristen Stewart is leggy. [Popoholic]

- Usher has a sex tape. [IDLYITW]

- Kelly Brook’s 2015 Lingerie Calendar Extras [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Emily Sears… [Celebslam]

- Sara Malakul Lane‘s giant breasts will teach you how to selfie. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News