Was the nipple suit necessary? Like everything on this site, not in the least.
In case you can’t tell by the Lil Kim and Macaulay Culkin posts, we’re basically catching up on the stories from the weekend that the AMAs, and all the pussy jokes contained wherein, shoved to the side. So here’s Beyoncé getting banned from the pyramids because she kept one of Egypt’s most renowned archaeologists waiting and did that weird shit about getting her picture taken again. The Independent reports:
“She said she would come at 3pm but she came late. I said ‘You have to say I’m sorry I’m late’. But she didn’t open her mouth,” continued Dr Hawass, credited with modernising the management of Egypt’s ancient sites and who claims to have repatriated 6,000 artefacts “stolen” by Western powers.
“I brought a photographer and she also had a photographer and a guard. When my photographer started to shoot, he said ‘No, Stop! I am the one who says yes or no, not you.’ I said ‘In that case since you almost hit my photographer and you are not polite – out! I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour.’ I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.”
The matter was later cleared up after Dr. Hawass admitted he mistook Beyoncé’s white companion for a mummy escaped from one of the crypts. “I guess I should have known when the creature requested a meal of exactly eight flax seeds, yet it also demanded pure water from an ancient, engraved urn, much like a pharaoh would, so I threw a scarab at its head and called it a bitch. I was acting on reflex.”
Photos: Splash News
The cameltoe-gunt hybrid says this is Snooki, but the bleached albino face also says Lil Kim. So let’s meet in the middle, and just say it’s The Leprechaun because, if you think about it, we’ll never really know for sure if it isn’t will we? No. No, we won’t.
Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Here’s Macaulay Culkin with his new girlfriend in Paris over the weekend, and if you’re first reaction is to freak the fuck out because she looks like Mila Kunis, keep in mind that before this he was DJing parties for tiny plastic dinosaurs. So dating someone who looks like his ex is not only perfectly healthy, but shows an amazing amount of restraint because if I had his money, I’d jump right to giving hookers plastic surgery while saying creepy shit like, “Pity, this one didn’t survive the smelting process. Guess we’ll have to try, try, try again…”
- I would pay money to hear a conversation between Kanye and Leonardo DiCaprio. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kim Zolciak birthed her twins and named one after her palm reader. Yup. [Dlisted]
- Wait, Irene Nell was wearing a hat? [theCHIVE]
- Megan Fox is learning you get plastic surgery AFTER destroying your face with pregnancy. [Fishwrapper]
- Kim Kardashian‘s (publicist said she) loved James Franco & Seth Rogen‘s “Bound 3.”[tooFab]
- The Pope beat Putin in a staring contest. Gays are safe in Russia now. [BuzzFeed]
- Kirsten Dunst is curvy, translucent. [Popoholic]
- What’s up, Samantha Basalari? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Miranda Kerr was fired from Victoria’s Secret for fucking Justin Bieber. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Proof: Jennifer Lawrence was adorable in middle school. [FilmDrunk]
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Photos: Pacific Coast News
Welcome to your day-after-an-awards-show The Crap We Missed, which usually means I’m beat from working late night and early morning to make you aware of the ladies in attendance who were courteous enough to show us part of their breasts, or “celebrity photo editing” as the lying lies on my resume would refer to it. But thanks to Tara Reid‘s deflated, saggy ass showing up, I can barely remember anything else about my life anymore, let alone a primetime show costing millions in production whose biggest act was a a hillbilly singing bad karaoke in front of bad green screen. There’s no way that was real. Anyway, I had plenty of energy left to bring you your favorite smattering of celebrity random, so here goes that. We’ve got Boris Johnson using tools, which amazingly isn’t a euphemism for power power spraying liquor into his face, Olivier Martinez, who apparently likes his sex with Halle Berry really angry, Ke$ha Pinkett Smith, and finally, the bullet heard round the Internet.
You’re damn right that’s Hobo Magneto and Chimneysweep Charles Xavier, just breathe, Internet, deep breaths,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
After a rough take-off, I grew to love Hayden Panettiere‘s implants, but not to the point where I forgot she’s still a woman with other body parts for me to objectify. It was a beautiful symbiotic relationship if there ever was one. Except something’s going terribly wrong because now they’re trying to suck me into a dimensional vortex where on the other side she’s the giant, and I’m the midget in a cheerleader outfit. Although, if I got implants, I could simply slide back to our universe through my own tit-wormhole after learning all of their reverse-human secrets. Make it so! *dives headfirst into monitor, ricochets to the floor unconscious*
Photos: Getty, Splash News