Iggy Azalea Admits She’s In A Sex Tape, But Claims She Was Underage

September 12th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Up until about 30 minutes ago, I couldn’t tell you who or what an Iggy Azalea is, or how she’s standing next to Rita Ora because I just assumed they’re the same person, but now I know that she’s some sort of singer with a Twitter account who just yesterday denied making a sex tape:

I dont have a sex tape but for the record…
Anyone who releases or attempts to make profit off someone else’s intimate moments against their will is a sex offender.
& it honestly makes me sick to see the media encourage any other attitude towards those sorts of people, we should want to protect our women
and i really hope that america will follow Europe and their laws to better protect peoples privacy and fundamental rights.
and on that note, I’m off to get a manicure. peaaaaccceeeeeee outtttttt *drops the mic*

Except now her lawyers are telling TMZ, okay, maybe she’s in the sex tape, but she maybe didn’t know it was being filmed, and just in case that’s not enough, she maybe was also underage: More »

Oscar Pistorius Guilty of Culpable Homicide, Not Going To Jail

September 12th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Oscar Pistorius
Snot Guilty of Murder
Oscar Pistorius Snot Crying Court
It Helps To Be The Only Living Eyewitness Read More »

“Should I begin making with the snot?”
“Nah, kid, you ain’t going to jail. Save it for outside.”

Yesterday, Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty of murder despite firing a gun four times into a closed bathroom killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp who he “thought was an intruder” after just talking to her. However, people who like to get their panties in a bunch about “Internet outrage” cautioned that he would almost definitely be found guilty of culpable homicide and see the inside of a jail cell. Well, exactly one of those things happened. Try and guess which one. Reuters report:

Culpable homicide – South Africa’s equivalent to manslaughter – carries up to 15 years in prison but, given Pistorius’s lack of previous convictions, he could avoid a custodial sentence altogether, legal experts said.
“He’s almost certainly, in my opinion, not going to be going to jail,” criminal law expert Martin Hood told South Africa’s ENCA television.

Before white people starting shooting their wives/girlfriends through closed bathroom doors, keep in mind that this happened in South Africa, and I like how I just said that as if it means anything. Just pretend I’m not here.

Photos: Getty

Good Morning, Michelle Lewin, And Other News

September 12th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Anna Wintour‘s 73 questions is a class study in non-fuck giving. [Lainey Gossip]

- Tori Spelling is going to pretend her marriage is in shambles for a second season. [Dlisted]

- Bouncing Breasts GIFS? Get in there. [theCHIVE]

- Mike Tyson responds well to being asked about that time he raped a woman. [Fishwrapper]

- Fleshlight will never forget 9/11. [The Frisky]

- Some stupid bitch went on Fox News and literally said Janay Rice knocked herself out. [Death and Taxes]

- A stripper’s suing Jerry Jones for making her watch him get a blowjob. “Allegedly.” [WWTDD]

- Sofia Vergara takes her huge, awesome breasts to the gym. [Popoholic]

- Teen Titans is getting its own live action show now. Yup. [Starpulse]

- Kirsten Dunst would be thinner if she wasn’t in a relationship. Okay… [tooFab]

- Migraines can often be linked to menstruation. Just sayin’. [IDLYITW]

- I want an Ola Brunath. Where’s the checkout button? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Julianne Moore‘s face might be stuck. [Celebslam]

- Ashley Sky poses for Galore. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Amanda Cerny In A Bikini: The Crap I Missed

September 11th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Alright, folks, Photo Boy is at a funeral today which means no The Crap We Missed and all the Prince Charles that entails. Fortunately, here’s Amanda Cerny in some hot-ass bikini pics to make up for that. It’s almost like she sensed I needed them, but don’t tell Hilary Duff that. Goddammit does she get jealous. I love you, girl, but I’ve got a life, too. This bird’s got wings, and he needs to fly. (For real though, I’m at the store. What kind of tampons did you say use again? Text me when you get a chance. I’ll wait in the aisle.)

Photos: FameFlynet

Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story

September 11th, 2014 // 33 Comments

A WARNING TO OUR READERS:

This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her “boyfriend,” for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It’s up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we’re sensitive to the fact that some of our more religious readers would prefer their children only learn about sexual education, preferably in the form of abstinence-only teachings, from their parents and not the schools and/or government. So for those readers, we encourage you to share any of our other Bertney Stories with your child, and also enjoy becoming a grandparent real soon, you stupid religious fuck.

Now let’s jump into reading!

‘Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story’ After The Jump

The Palins Beat The Shit Out of An Entire Party

September 11th, 2014 // 91 Comments
Sarah Palin
I Got My Own Channel Now
Sarah Palin
Freedom Real America News Also Watch, Liberals! Read More »

“I’ll goshdarn say it again, Moose Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.”

In Matthew 5:5 Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.” Later, in that same chapter, he expands on his message in verse 39: “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Which brings us to the Christ-loving Palins who love the word of Jesus so hard, especially his birthday, that they got completely fuck-hammered in their stretch Hummer before beating the shit out of an entire party because some dude dumped Willow. Or something. The important thing is that they pissed a holy piss upon the graves of their enemies before flipping everyone off in the middle of the street. Okay, maybe just that last part happened. Gawker reports via Amanda Coyne and Wonkette who actually got a confirmation from the Anchorage Police that some sort of massive brawl involving the Palins went down Saturday night: More »

Peggy From ‘Mad Men’ Is Still In A Bikini

September 11th, 2014 // 25 Comments

“Alright, Ms. Moss, we gotcher, uh, standard paparazzi agreement here. You make with a boob grab, couple spread eagles, a nice, little seductive over the shoulder, and bada bing bada boom, we cut you a fat juicy check for your space church thingy.”
“It’s a Thetan purification center.”
“Sure it is, sweetheart. Now gimme yer John Handcock.” – My only explanation for what’s happening here

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI