Good Morning, Cynthia Escobar, And Other News

October 17th, 2014 // 14 Comments

- Jamie Dornan does British Vogue. [Lainey Gossip]

- Glenn Close apparently grew up in a cult. [Dlisted]

- The End Zone: Professional Football Mascots, Ranked [The Frisky]

- Dane Cook is still a douche. [Fishwrapper]

- Have I mentioned I fucking love this Tumblr? I fucking love this Tumblr. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- What Better Way To End A Week Than With Squishy Gals? [theCHIVE]

- Sometimes you just have to bang a stuffed horse inside a Walmart. [Death and Taxes]

- Nina Agdal in a bikini. You click now. [Popoholic]

- Jesus Christ, Hailey Baldwin. [tooFab]

- Here Are Some People (and Things) That Look Like Rick Scott [The Daily Banter]

- What’s up, Bonnie Rotten? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Lydia Heart‘s behind-the-scene video. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 10.16.14

October 16th, 2014 // 314 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed which has a few surprises that I won’t ruin here because I’m a horrible bastard who revels in your discomfort. There’s also the usual slate of butts, Quentin Tarantino with his gaze slightly downcast because FEET, Lindsay Lohan because DRUNK, and Russell Brand in a crowd because SEX WITH ALL OF THEM.

Did I mention the terrible surprises? *giggles with glee* I couldn’t help myself,

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Britney Spears Looks Normal, Aware of Her Surroundings. IT’S A TRAP!

October 16th, 2014 // 12 Comments

Normally this is the part where I’d write an eerily accurate children’s story about Britney Spears‘ dad exploiting her through the use of ice cream and tranquilizers, except Jesus Christ, she not only looks great but self-aware. If you asked her what day it is, she’d probably know it’s “T’ursday” which is literally the most generous thing I’ve ever said about Britney Spears in my life. It’s a miracle I didn’t fly out of my chair just typing that. “And now I’ll write that she knows what day of the week it- FUCKING SHIT!” *flies backwards as keyboard explodes*

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Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler Is Something We All Can Agree On

October 16th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler
WATCH: Jason Biggs Peeing On Chelsea Handler

Yesterday the Internet’s top story was Amber Rose‘s butt, and now today it’s Jason Biggs peeing on Chelsea Handler because humanity is 11. Not that I’m above posting it, too, because, ha ha ha, the pee goes right in her face. Plus it makes her a hypocrite for always talking shit on Kim Kardashian. They’re practically twins now.

Chelsea Handler On ‘Conan’ After The Jump

And Now Back To Kesha Said, Dr. Luke Said

October 16th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Kesha Sues Dr. Luke
Kesha Legs Short Romper
Dr. Luke Sues Kesha Right Back Read More »

I’m going to start myself off in a hole here, and see how far I can climb myself out or dig myself even deeper as I do. Kesha‘s stint in rehab for an “eating disorder” has always seemed sketchy as shit. Especially when her mom checked in with her for “PTSD” which now seems even more suspicious considering she allegedly threatened Dr. Luke over a year ago (Read: pre-rehab) that she would destroy him in the press if he didn’t release the rights to Kesha’s music. TMZ reports:

Kesha’s mom sent Dr. Luke’s lawyer an email a year ago … alleging Luke raped her daughter — but there’s a distinct smell of extortion.
In the email — obtained by TMZ — Pebe Sebert complains that Luke screwed her out of music publishing rights connected to her daughter. She then says:
“We, me and Kesha and her friends, like Lady Gaga, are going to make all of this Really PUBLIC, in the next few days. Luke date raped Kesha when she was 18. Nicky Hilton’s birthday? Paris Hilton’s house? Luke gave Kesha pills. She ended up naked in his hotel room 2 days later. No longer a virgin?”
The email then gives an ultimatum:
“Do we all want this to come out? Either Luke releases Kesha from all legal contracts, and gives me back all my publishing, or we, Kesha and I, tell the truth.”

On top of that, you have Kesha’s own team leaking to TMZ that during her stint in rehab, she “spontaneously” – Their own words. – began to telling doctors about Dr. Luke’s alleged sexual abuse. Doctors who are willing to testify that.. Kesha said words to them? More »

Robin Thicke Just Joined Leo’s Pussy Posse

October 16th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Twas Beauty That Kille-
Miley Cyrus Nude Bikini Twerking Robin Thicke VMAs
Wait, No. It Was Dirty Miley Crotch. That Killed The Marriage. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Robin Thicke‘s nine year marriage to Paula Patton unofficially hit the skids when Miley Cyrus forever tainted his dick by sliming her hillbilly ass all over it during their VMA performance. As of October 3rd, Paula officially filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences” even after Robin released his hilariously pathetic and ultimately ineffective apology album, Paula. Having completely embarrassed her piece of shit ex, Paula can now take solace in knowing Robin will probably live the rest of his sad, lonely life reflecting on what he’s lost. PSYCHE! It’s on to hot vagina. He’s going to have sex with a ton of that shit now. Via Page Six:

Thicke started at nightclub Hyde, then invited a select group, including a host of models and attractive women, back to his house in the Hollywood Hills. Once there, they were met by DiCaprio, “The Dark Knight Rises” star Tom Hardy and “Into the Wild” actor Emile Hirsch.

“Awe Robin, it was so sweet of you to write those songs to try to win back Paula.”
“Yes, that was my intention the whole time I was writing them. To win back my wife of nine years whose vagina I had sex with for nine straight years.”
“That took courage to put yourself out there like th– wait, is that coke?”
“It helps me not be sad. But it only works if I do the lines off of breasts I’ve never seen before.”
“You poor thing!” *takes off dress*

This man’s life until he dies now.

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Photo: Getty, Pacific Coast News

Selena Gomez Walks Around Her House Naked

October 16th, 2014 // 26 Comments

After every awful post about child predators, or in this case the authors who defend them, I like to try and bring eveybody back to a happy place. So here’s Selena Gomez telling Ellen she likes to walk naked around her new, Justin Bieber-free house. As for what you’re supposed to do with that information, perhaps use it to forget rich white guys think other rich white guys shouldn’t go to jail for looking at child porn and have the capacity to do something about it. Because that’s what I’m doing: “Wait a minute, that’s not the way to the pantry, naked Selena Gomez. *fights back tears* You so cray- oh god they’re going to do things with their money.”

Video After The Jump

John Grisham: Lay Off Old Drunks Who Accidentally Download Child Porn

October 16th, 2014 // 60 Comments
John Grisham
Paging Stephen Collins
Stephen Collins
I Think You Made A New Friend Read More »

UPDATE: John Grisham’s sorry.

America has a vastly overpopulated prison system stemming from a host of socioeconomic reasons including poverty, racism, and capitalistic greed. Except if you ask John Grisham, the biggest problem is locking up affluent white men in their 60s who have a few too many drinks and “accidentally” download child porn. They’re the real victims here. Via Gawker:

“A friend of mine, ten years ago, was drinking. His drinking was out of control. And he went to a website—it was labeled, 16-year-old wannabe hookers, or something, some stupid website. And it said, 16-year-old girls. So he went there. Downloaded some stuff. It was 16-year-old girls who looked 30. You know, they were all dressed up and whatever. He shouldn’t have done it, it was stupid. But it wasn’t 10-year-old boys and he didn’t touch anything. And golly, a week later there was a knock on the door. FBI. And it was a sting set up by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to catch people—sex offenders. And he went to prison for three years.

Is it legal to assume John Grisham made air quotes while saying “a friend of mine?” Because I’m gonna. Anyway, back to America’s prison problem. We’re turning good, elderly men into animals and for what? Looking at some tartlet online in a purely heterosexual manner after a few too many sips of brandy? One of them came home and threw pudding at his wife. By golly, they’re WHITE. More »