The Crap We Missed – Thursday 9.25.14

September 25th, 2014 // 362 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed which doesn’t have anybody stuffing anything into their ass, except PSYCHE! Lady Gaga‘s doing it and just while you’re all trying to say she’s irrelevant and are completely correct. But back to asses. We’ve got Dita Von Teese, Bria Murphy, Draya Michele and you know what? I’m just gonna keep tossing ass into the hole in you guys *rereads, wonders if it sounds sexually confused enough, decides yes,* but it’s never going to fill you up.

I say that with love,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

September 25th, 2014 // 48 Comments

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure

Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because that’s what she was!
Today they were in London, England with lots and lots of girls in their underwear. One of them asked Bertney how she got so good at designing clothes and Bertney just laughed and laughed then told her Papa only lets her use crayons.
“And sometimes markers,” Bertney added, “but only at the table and never, ever in the living room ’cause one time I colored on the TB. The screen was all black, and I just wanted to make it purty.” More »

Kim Kardashian Tackled In Paris By That Dude Who Punched Brad Pitt

September 25th, 2014 // 73 Comments
'The Paparazzi Are Rapists'
Kanye West
Never Mind, I Found Who It Was Read More »

While leaving a Fashion Week event in Paris, Kim Kardashian was reportedly tackled in the legs (link includes video) by Ukrainian comedian Vitalii Sediuk who’s apparently evolved from punching Brad Pitt in the face to doing God’s work and taking out the garbage. A one-man army cleansed with the blood of righteousness as he rains justice down upon those who would turn this world into a decadent cesspool. Provided the paparazzi don’t protect their most sacred cow, of course. TMZ reports:

He wasn’t arrested on the scene — but our Kardashian sources say the paparazzi actually turned on Sediuk and held him down while Kim was whisked away.

Wait a minute. Didn’t somebody just say the paparazzi are rapists? I could’ve sworn I heard that somewhere. Who could it be…

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Mean Girls’ Sequel Sounds Familiar

September 25th, 2014 // 31 Comments
She Didn't Touch Whitney
Lindsay Lohan Wearing Mask Loulous Private Members Club London
LA Coroner Refutes Lindsay's Whitney Houston Bullshit Read More »

Seen here getting ready to spin her head around while screaming, “Let Jesus fuck you. Let him fuck you!” after blowing her first performance of “Speed-the-Plow,” Lindsay Lohan recently told Time Out London that she pitched Tina Fey a sequel to Mean Girls because, seriously, what else does she have going for her? Non-breast-related:

‘It’s been ten years since ‘Mean Girls’: how do you feel about it looking back?
‘People really love the movie: how do you top that? I was with Tina Fey [‘Mean Girls’ writer] the other day and I said we should do another “Mean Girls”, like an older version where they’re all housewives and they’re all cheating. That would be really funny. I’ll harass Tina to write it.’

“And so they’re like these housewives who are like desperate, and they do all these like desperate housewife things like sleep with the neighbors or even solve murders because they’re just really desperate to do something. These housewives.”
“Lindsay, did you maybe, perhaps steal this idea from somewhere?”
“How dare you?! I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.”
“You just shoved my daughter in your purse.”
“Whaaaaaaaa?”

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

September 25th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Bill Simmons
Ray Rice Found Jesus
Ray Rice Ravens
Everything's All Better Now Read More »

Despite being buried deep in the NFL‘s butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN “Outside The Lines” published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body half out across the floor. They practically bent the legal system to their will and they would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for TMZ and those meddling vids. So with that information in hand, along with dozens of other contradictory reports, Bill Simmons felt confident enough to go on his podcast Monday night and call Roger Goodell a liar before daring ESPN to tell him he can’t say that. Via Mediaite:

“Goodell, if he didn’t know what was on that tape, he’s a liar,” Simmons said Monday. “I’m just saying it. He is lying. I think that dude is lying. If you put him up on a lie detector test that guy would fail. For all these people to pretend they didn’t know is such fucking bullshit. It really is — it’s such fucking bullshit. And for him to go in that press conference and pretend otherwise, I was so insulted. I really was.”
Later, Simmons dared someone at ESPN to penalize him for speaking out against the NFL. “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell,” he said. “Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast.”
“Please, call me and say I’m in trouble,” he added. “I dare you.”

ESPN accepted his challenge: More »

Bear Grylls Proposed To His Wife With A Ring That’d Been Up His Ass

September 25th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Bear Grylls Shara Wife

It’s been a contentious past couple of days, so for a change of pace, here’s a romantic tale of true love and the butthole-concealed engagement ring that bound two souls together. The scene? Bear Grylls and his now-wife Shara skinny-dipping in the ocean where one of them hides a secret that will change their lives forever. A secret… hidden in his butt. Via Uproxx:

“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks,” he recalled. “She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach.”
“I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around,” he related. “So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”

“She got the dysentery something fierce though,” he continued. “But, Piers, if you saw the look in her eyes when that asshole-ensconced ring emerged, you’d know she lived more than two lifetimes just in that moment. It was worth that week in the infirmary wondering if her liver was going to fail. I truly do believe that.”

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Photos: Getty

Chelsea Heath Is Topless Now And Other News

September 25th, 2014 // 19 Comments

- Keira Knightley might be your other new True Detective person. [Lainey Gossip]

- Christopher Walken as Captain Hook is goddamn nightmare fuel. [Dlisted]

- Miranda Kerr‘s ass is just right. [theCHIVE]

- Warning: Marijuana affects the mind. [Fishwrapper]

- “Alright, class, time for vagina cookies!” [The Frisky]

- Amber Rose is divorcing Wiz Khalifa if anyone gives a shit. [WWTDD]

- Drunk women are the real threat, not frat guys who rape them. [Death and Taxes]

- Didn’t Stacy Keibler just have a baby? Jesus Christ. [Popoholic]

- Sarah Hyland thanks her co-stars for helping her ditch a shithead. [tooFab]

- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Alyssa Barbara. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Don’t worry, I still love you, Nina Agdal. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 9.24.14

September 24th, 2014 // 402 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring some old favorites who haven’t been around for a while, like Blue Steel Jeremy Renner, Kesha‘s underwear, and Paula Deen, reprising her role on ‘Today’ as the sacrificial lamb, yanking her husband’s beard because they agreed she’d do that whenever she got the urge to snap her fingers at Al Roker and say “Go on and fetch me a sweet tea, boy, and I’ll give you an hour off next week.”

Welcome back, Paula, and no, it hasn’t been long enough, suga,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News