The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.32

December 13th, 2014 // 42 Comments

Welcome to another sporadic installment of The Most Important People on The Internet, our (bi/tri/BBW-)weekly roundup of all the horrible shit you people say in the comments. You’ll notice there’s a few comments from last week’s post, so just to jog your memory Shia LaBeouf tried to say he was raped during his “performance art” piece, Stephen Hawking wants to be a Bond villain and Usher charged his phone with a woman’s vagina which probably explains why Justin Bieber is blonde now. I’ve seen Powder.

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The Crap We Missed – Friday 12.12.14

December 12th, 2014 // 321 Comments

Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed which is kind of like a schadenfreude greatest hits today with repeat favorites like Russell Brand talking to his dick, Hot Donna‘s ass in yoga pants, and Madonna‘s gross, partially naked old lady parts. Think of clicking through this gallery like being at your favorite restaurant, but instead of going inside, you just stare into the window at everyone eating and make fun of their entirely normal lives.

“HA! That guy seated at a table with a woman is wearing fashionable clothing and eating a salad. NOT FOOLING US, BUDDY, AMIRITE?! *raises hand for high fives* Guys…anyone? Why does my chest hurt?”

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

Judd Apatow: ‘Sony Email Leaks Are Same As Jennifer Lawrence Nude Photos’

December 12th, 2014 // 40 Comments
Judd Apatow
'Spoiled Brat'
Angelina Jolie New Boobs Jack OConnell 18th Annual Hollywood Film Awards
The Sony Leaked Emails Have Some Shit To Say Read More »

“Say something stupid for me, Judd. Say something stupid real good.”

Eventually some Hollywood asshole was going to put his/her foot in her mouth and compare the Sony email leaks with The Fappening because we’re dealing with a subset of people who aren’t accustomed to not having their asses kissed or their massive egos on display for the world to see. Which brings us to Judd Apatow who equated the leaks to the Jennifer Lawrence nude photos who I’m pretty sure would’ve much rather preferred people read her make an off-color joke about a colleague than see her spread eagle naked on a couch: More »

Here’s Kim Kardashian’s Naked Butt Painted By A Man’s Penis

December 12th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Kourtney's Naked Now
Kourtney Kardashian Nude Topless Nipples Pregnant
The Whorening Is Upon Us Read More »

Kim Kardashian‘s naked butt on the cover of Paper Magazine will forever be an iconic image of our generation (and the harbinger of its destruction), so why wouldn’t it be immortalized in art? Which brings us to Danish artist Uwe Max Jensen who painted Kim’s now infamous cover using his penis as the brush. Yup. Via The Daily Dot:

Jensen painted the 11-by-15-inch canvas using his flaccid penis, which he dipped in acrylic paint to serve as a brush. “I have my penis in one hand and the canvas in the other,” he told the Daily Dot in a phone interview. “I have a very skilled penis, art-wise.”
Jensen, a 44-year-old performance artist from Denmark best known for decapitating a sculpture of the Little Mermaid and urinating in a water sculpture at a Danish museum [Ed. Note: He probably should've stuck with this medium. - SW], was inspired to create the Kardashian portrait by the work of Japanese artist Shigeko Kubota. Kubota made waves in the 1960s art world for Vagina Painting, a performance piece during which she painted on a canvas with a brush inserted in her vagina.
“My penis is an organ. I need it to reproduce, and for sex and joy,” Jensen told the Daily Dot. “But I can also use it in my art, and that’s joyful for me on more levels.”

As for what inspired him to choose Kim as his second dick painting – his first was an unnamed Danish politician who immediately blocked him from Facebook – it was the oldest muse in the book: Butts. More »

So Remember When Ariana Grande’s Rep Denied She’s Carried Like A Baby?

December 12th, 2014 // 38 Comments

A story broke out this week that one of Ariana Grande‘s numerous diva demands is to be carried like a baby whenever her feet get too tired. Her rep denied the story and called it “fake” except Jezebel found a photo of Ariana Grande literally being carried like a baby (above) from her own Instagram page. That’s like Bill Cosby denying another rape accusation, and then someone finding a photo of his Mr. Roofie with a woman passed out next to it on his Twitter page. At least pretend to try and hide the evidence. Jesus.

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Photo: Instagram

Scott Stapp Threatened To Assassinate Obama

December 12th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Scott Stapp
What If, What If, What If
Scott Stapp
I Went Completely Batshit Read More »

Scott Stapp believes terrorists are hiding around every corner and taking prayer out of public schools has ruined America, so it’s already been established he’s crazy. All the evidence is there. And now comes words that he’d taken his batshit to the next logical step: Wanting to shoot things. Namely Obama for using the IRS to take away all of Scott Stapp’s Creed money because he went on FOX News and said he wasn’t going to vote for him. CONNECT THE DOTS, SHEEPLE. TMZ reports:

Scott had just gone AWOL from a mental facility late last month, when his sister-in-law told the 911 dispatcher he was cruising around his neighborhood, shirtless on a bicycle. She says the former Creed frontman claimed to be a CIA agent and his mission was to kill Obama.
Stapp claimed in a rambling video the IRS is trying to ruin his life because he’s been trashing Obama.
Jaclyn Stapp, Scott’s wife, joins the 40-minute 911 call, telling the dispatcher Scott had printed out 400 – 600 pages of CIA documents which he supposedly found online, put them in a book bag and took off on his bike.

Oddly enough, the police eventually caught up with Scott after he called 911 on his wife for calling 911 on him, and despite the fact they were dealing with a shirtless man who just got out of the mental ward and had a backpack full of “CIA documents,” they didn’t feel he warranted another psychiatric hold. Then again, it’s not like he was going to bike his way to the White House. No, no. They’d be expecting that…

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Photo: Getty

Good Morning, Nina Agdal, And Other News

December 12th, 2014 // 19 Comments

- Welcome to the happiest fucking day in Jennifer Aniston‘s life. [Lainey Gossip]

- Rumer Willis and Hilaria Baldwin apparently hang out. [Fishwrapper]

- Lea Michele‘s eyebrows will destroy us all. [Dlisted]

- Girls On The Naughty List Bend At The Waist [theCHIVE]

- No shameless PR stunt here: “Sorry, we’re killing everybody. Presents?” [The Frisky]

- Maria Shriver is not thrilled with Miley Cyrus banging her son. [WWTDD]

- Bill Cosby tried to rape Taylor Swift on South Park. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Jehane “Gigi” Paris bikini pics? [Popoholic]

- Goddamn, Nicole Meyer in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jesus Christ, Emilie Payet… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Balawa/AKM-GSI

And Now The Time We All Saw Ben Affleck’s Dick

December 11th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Ben Affleck Clint Eastwood

Because the Internet is a strange and powerful tool that ebbs and flows as it pleases, naked GIFs of Ben Affleck’s naked penis in Gone Girl are now available for people to click and go, “Hey, that’s Batman‘s dick.” Although, I almost positive Jon Hamm was his cock-double because there’s no way that’s Ben Affleck’s dick. You can see it from the side! That’s impossible, right? Right?! — Someone needs to say yes right now, or I swear to God it’s your fault if I swallow all these pills.

Ben Affleck’s Penis (NSFW) After The Jump