I talk a lot of shit about Jessica Alba, but that’s only because she won’t get naked, so it’s actually kind of cute when you think about it. Seductive, even. But at the end of the day, she is a Hollywood actress who gets cast in (quasi-)non-pornographic movies that actually get made and are shown in a movie theater. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that Farrah Abraham would float her name in connection to a theoretical movie about her stupid sex tape book that she didn’t even write. Except now we know that Farrah thinks she looks like Jessica Alba if Jessica Alba’s nose came from Easter Island, so at least there’s that. Us Weekly reports:
Though she claims her fans have been asking her to star in a movie version of her new book, Abraham has no intentions of stepping in front of the camera to play Fallon. More »
A few weeks back, the Internet lost its shit after Beyonce started changing song lyrics to oddly specific accusations of Jay Z cheating on her. And now comes word that they’re trying to pretend to be happily married long enough to make it through their “On The Run” tour which makes the fart-sniffing trailer about ridin’ and dyin’ together all the more ridiculous. Which is a goddamn impressive feat considering it already had Jake Gyllenhaal and Sean Penn playing a white gangsta dispensing philosophical knowledge about barbeques in the hood. Page Six reports:
While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said.
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said.
Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jay is the one most at fault? I know he was cheating a lot, but did anyone stop and think for a minute that Beyonce is best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow? Can you even imagine what it’s like being married to that? Picture this: More »
- George Clooney is “marrying up,” according to George Clooney. [Lainey Gossip]
- Nobody watched LeAnn Rimes‘ reality show. You’re alright, humanity. [Dlisted]
- I didn’t know Kim Kardashian came in non-Armenian. [theCHIVE]
- Jonah Hill officiated Adam Levine‘s wedding. Jonah Hill. [Fishwrapper]
- Bear Grylls got Zac Efron to rappel down a waterfall. [The Frisky]
- Martha Hunt‘s in a bikini. [Popoholic]
- The plot of Star Wars: Episode VII has been “leaked.” [Starpulse]
- Why is Sasquatch in a bathtub with American Psycho? [tooFab]
- Goddamn, Genevieve Morton. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Lea Michele is still Instagramming her ass. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, fresh off my brief stint in County, because apparently in Obama’s America, masturbating in the post office is frowned upon relaxing three-day hiatus, so I’ve the usual overstuffed sausage of celebrity nonsense for you. We’ve got Paris Hilton with a child who would have been better off in the care of Susan Smith, the best picture of Whoopi Goldberg you’ll ever see provided it actually results in the murder/suicide for which it was intended, and exactly what every single moment of Alec & Hilaria Baldwin‘s marriage looks like when she isn’t bending herself into a sex pretzel.
Hey, Stamos, what did you think of that Lindsay Lohan gallery earlier? S’what I thought,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Chris Brown just got out of jail for violating his probation from beating the shit out of a woman, so why wouldn’t Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Amber Rose, Christina Milian, and Kendall and Kylie Jenner show up to his charity kickball game? What does violence against women have to do with them? It’s not like Rihanna‘s head was the ball like he wanted. And kept asking for. Again and again and again.
Because people like me will never understand how breasts work (Chlorophyll?), there’s been a lot of talk recently about Selena Gomez getting implants. Except here she is over the weekend looking noticeably less chestier which means she probably didn’t get new boobs. Unless… she forgot to do that thing where she sticks her thumb in her mouth and blows really hard to inflate them which I don’t see how it couldn’t be. Case closed!
Adding… She said what about what now? A Gaza strip? What’s that? Some sort of vagina thing?
Photos: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI
Kanye West is GQ‘s cover interview for the month of August, and so naturally that comes with a goldmine of quotes about how he’s a blowfish, the Martin Luther King Jr. of celebrity rights, and married his dinosaur who’s also a fighter jet or something. The main point is that Kanye doesn’t do uncool shit because anything Kanye does will eventually become cool because he’s Kanye. Basically you’re in for a treat.
Excerpts From Kanye’s GQ Interview After The Jump
When you’re a hard-working actress fresh off of an award for Biggest Comeback, it’s important to take a moment and relax on the yacht you’ve been blowing a man to be on for the past week. Also, pop a lot of zits. That’s really the key to this whole sexy stew. I’m talking way more important than not looking like a barnacle with tits. You just let the coke bloat handle that.