The Crap We Missed – Thursday 6.26.14

June 26th, 2014 // 456 Comments

Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed which will once again ride in the pageview wake of Hilaria Baldwin‘s ass and I’m just going to say that if none of you come up with a Stretch Armstrong reference for this, then congratulations, your parents actually had the money to buy you a Castle Grayskull. No, no, mom and dad, this, this is super cool and I’m sure this purple goo inside is totally non-toxic. *retreats into brain, projects mind forward to mid-thirties discussing Kim Kardashian‘s hair color for a living* AH! OH GOD, IT’S SO BAD IN THE FUTURE!! *sees photo of two old lesbians making out onstage, reads caption*

That what happens to Aerosmith?! *begins work on time machine for project ‘Abort Me’*

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Oh, Good, Kathy Griffin’s Naked

June 26th, 2014 // 43 Comments

“Wait a minute, that’s my pool!” – Anderson Cooper, any second now

Because once you’ve seen one questionable redhead, you kind of want to see them all, here’s Kathy Griffin posing nude for Tyler Shields which should answer all of your questions on just how badly God has forsaken us. I’m pretty sure I’m going to turn on a faucet and snakes will fly out. That’s how fucked we are.

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Photos: Tyler Shields

Adam Levine Did Not Have Sex With Lindsay Lohan’s Vaginarrhea (Too Fancy? You’re Right)

June 26th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Holy Fartsniff, Batman
Lindsay Lohan Nipple Cleavage Terry Richardson
James Franco Wrote A Short Story About Lindsay Read More »

Just like James Franco, Adam Levine found himself on Lindsay Lohan‘s handwritten list of celebrities she’s had sex with that somehow got sold to InTouch for currency that can be exchanged for cocaine. No one’s still quite figured it out. Anyway, just like James Franco again, Adam Levine wants to make it abundantly clear that the list is bullshit and he did not have sex with her. And in his defense, Adam Levine doesn’t suddenly double over screaming, “Begone from my nuts damnable fire of itch and woe!” so we should probably hear him out. Via Starpulse:

Levine was asked about being on the list on Howard Stern’s show, which is rapidly becoming the place to go to talk about Lindsay Lohan’s sex list. Stern told Levine, “By the way, you were on Lindsay Lohan’s sex list – that you had sex with her – I didn’t know this.”
Levine replied, “That’s not true. I did not have sexual intercourse with Lindsay Lohan.” When Stern noted Franco denied the report as well, the singer added, “That’s because I think we’re being truthful about that very specific thing.”
Stern said if no one on the list had sex with her, “Did anybody have sex with Lindsay Lohan?” Adam replied, “A lot of people probably did, I don’t know.”

You know what? Adam Levine gets a lot of shit for being a douche, and rightly so, but at the end of the day that was a pretty sick burn, and at least he didn’t write a short story with interspersing vignettes about Gus Van Sant playing a guitar while he genuflects on the Nicolas Winding Refn-esque work of his latest car commercial. In fact, if anything, that just proves James Franco has syphilis which he probably got from Lindsay Lohan. Take him to the containment chamber!

Photos: Instagram / Vantagenews, Xposure/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Nope, Beyonce Won’t Try To Scrub These From The Internet

June 26th, 2014 // 18 Comments

Because it’s been three fucking days of Gary Oldman (Hey, I don’t make the news. Unless the Illuminati sends a raven then, okay, sometimes.), here are a whole bunch of pics of Beyonce‘s ass that don’t require critical thinking, so enjoy them before she tries to erase them from the Internet because she looks like She-Hulk having a hernia again. I already hear slapping in the hallway. Quickly now.

Photos: INFphoto

Kris Jenner Put A Hit On Rob Kardashian

June 26th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Don't Out-Moo Your Sister
Kim Kardashian Cleavage Pre Wedding Kanye West Paris
This Wedding's Only Big Enough For One Cow Read More »

Seen here leaving the gym with those nachos he likes yesterday, Rob Kardashian has no idea he’s about to get The Lamar Odom Treatment because here’s TMZ with a report – complete with pictures – of him using sizzurp and in desperate need of rehab which I’m sure has nothing to do with him bailing on Kim’s wedding thus lowering its SEO score by not tweeting pics of Jayden Smith in a white Batman costume from his verified account. What kind of mother would do that to her own son? Except, just kidding, it’s Kris Jenner. Kris Jenner would do that. Her pimp hand is STRONG.

Our sources say the family is well aware of what has been going on with Rob, depicted by these photos during a drug-fueled party a few days ago.
You can see Rob holding a double cup … the container of choice for Sizzurp. The cup on the table actually has the words, “Codeine Boys” emblazoned on it. He’s also seen smoking weed.
We’re told the Kardashians have been calling rehab facilities, but Rob refuses to go. They feel desperate because they don’t know what to do and hope pictures like these may change Rob’s mind.

Wow, these people are predictable as shit. Which is great news for everyone waiting for Kendall‘s first sex tape to surface. In the meantime, just like what happened with Lamar, Kim doesn’t give a fuck about Rob which is probably why she launched her new blonde hair ahead of schedule because now that’s all anyone will talk about. A man’s going to eat himself to death, but my God, look at that coat! She’ll win first prize at the State Fair for sure. Anyway, here’s Chris Rock‘s face reacting to Kris Jenner’s presence which says everything that needs to be said here. I don’t know why I even wrote words: More »

Gary Oldman’s Still Apologizing

June 26th, 2014 // 28 Comments
Gary Oldman Jimmy Kimmel
WATCH: Gary Oldman Apologizes On 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'
Gary Oldman's Sorry, Jews
Gary Oldman
Please Let Him Keep Being In Every Movie Read More »

When Gary Oldman issued an apology for his Playboy interview where he agreed with drunken Mel Gibson that “The Jews” run Hollywood and Alec Baldwin should be allowed to call the paparazzi faggots without fear of reprisal, there were two ways to look at it, and admittedly, even I couldn’t tell: Either it was a sarcastic “Fuck You” to the Anti-Defamation League, or it was a way too syrupy sweet blowjob to them written by an overzealous PR flack. Regardless, they weren’t having it, and so here is the part where manly men expected Gary to come out guns-blazing and continue his one-man war on politically correct pussies and their faggot-like regard for others, but instead he went on Jimmy Kimmel and cried and apologized some more because, again, it’s written right in the interview that even Gary Oldman realized Gary Oldman was saying stupid shit Gary Oldman shouldn’t have been saying. As for why he didn’t get out in front of it, I’ll assume he actually thought Playboy would edit out the Mel Gibson stuff instead of going, “Holy shit, you got that on tape?!” and riding pageview unicorns into mountains of coke. And when you think about it, of course he’s apologizing because at the end of the day, his main argument is that we’re all as racist, homophobic, misogynistic, whatever as Mel Gibson which is a pretty fucking tall order. Christ, even this neighborhood watch member who just got outed as a KKK Grand Dragon is remarkably polite(-ish): More »

Good Morning, Lea Michele, And Other News

June 26th, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Oscar Isaac will clean up the mess Harrison Ford‘s broken pelvis made. [Lainey Gossip]

- Joe Biden knows what’s up. [Dlisted]

- Look at that Stormtrooper helmet. Oh, and that ass. [theCHIVE]

- That real life Elsa from Frozen took bikini pics now. [Coed]

- So Courtney Stodden has officially run its course. Good times. [Fishwrapper]

- Lea Michele went surfing, too. Her schnozz makes a great rudder. [WWTDD]

- Did Kim Kardashian Photoshop her own nipple? [The Frisky]

- According to Sports Illustrated, Valerie van der Graaf is legal, but I dunno… [Popoholic]

- The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 has a trailer. [Starpulse]

- Masseuses are always looking at Channing Tatum‘s dick. Even if his wife’s there. [tooFab]

- Georgia Salpa is still a hotter version of Kim Kardashian. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Those are Miranda Kerr‘s nipples. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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