The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 10.29.14

October 29th, 2014 // 331 Comments

Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where I could only find this one pic of Emily Ratajkowski at whatever dumb event this is, so she got relegated to TCWM. It’s an indignity she doesn’t deserve, I know, to be lumped in with the likes of Floyd Mayweather Jr. wearing women’s boots, the reanimated corpse of Tommy Lee, and Whores who whorebrush away their giant whore asses, but what was I supposed to do, leave her out?

Whoever said that, you get the fuck out of here. Or better yet, you have to wrestle Neil Patrick Harris away from this bear now. That’s your penance,

- Photo Boy

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

No Shit Gwyneth Paltrow Broke Up Chris Martin & Jennifer Lawrence

October 29th, 2014 // 24 Comments
R.I.P. Martin Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence Buttcheeks Legs See Through Dress The Hunger Games Catching Fire LA Premiere
Goddamn, That Was A Great Name Read More »

The very second Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin broke up, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it probably had to do with the woman he’s technically still married to who also has a giant ego that’s about to get her face baked into a quiche. So let’s get this other with. Via Radar:

Gwyneth always pressured Chris to spend more time with Apple and Moses,” the source revealed. “The kids would constantly call Chris when he was with Jennifer, and whatever they were doing would have to come to a standstill. There was always the expectation from Gwyneth that Chris should spend even more time with the kids.”

Having the kids call while they’re trying to fuck? Quintessential GOOP. And just in case you think this is all bullshit, here’s fucking PEOPLE magazine entering the fray which is a pretty good sign that Jennifer Lawrence’s publicist has orders to kill:

Another insider confirms that it was Lawrence who ended the relationship – for a couple of reasons.
“She broke it off with Chris,” the insider says. “She was tired of the spotlight on their relationship and she also thought that Chris and Gwyneth were a little too close for comfort. It was an odd situation for her.”

When reached for comment, Chris Martin responded, “The children! Oh my, the children. I love the children so much. (She sewed a bomb into my head.) They’re such beautiful British children who I would never, ever give fast food to. (If you fashion a crude lead helmet, she can’t detonate it.) I just want to be with them all the time and never nubile, young actresses with their pornographic tendencies. What a silly sort. (Quickly, man!)”

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Photos: Getty

And Now Wacky Hijinks With The Avengers

October 29th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Avengers Age of Ultron Thor's Hammer
WATCH: 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' Special Look
Black Panther, Bitches
Chadwick Boseman Black Panther
And Captain Marvel. BAM! SUCK IT, DC. Read More »

For a change of scenery after two posts about how fucked we are as a society, here’s the extra footage from The Avengers: Age of Ultron that Marvel scrambled together for last night’s Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. after the full trailer leaked last week leaving with them nothing to trick people into watching the show with. Except you’ll notice it’s literally just an extra scene tacked onto the front of the trailer you already saw, but it does have the hilarious subtext of how hard it would be to jerk Thor off. Unless you’re Captain America who apparently stands the greatest chance which, let me tell you, does not go unnoticed by Thor. He’s all like, “Whaaaa? Maintain, maintain. — Those arms though.” (This is how Fifty Shades of Grey got started isn’t it? Goddammit.)

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Kim Kardashian Compared Herself To ‘I Love Lucy’

October 29th, 2014 // 54 Comments
Kim's Demands Sound Legit
Kim Kardashian Huge Disgusting Fat Ass Jean Shorts Backless Shirt Kanye West
The Grift Is Strong With This One Read More »

Once you’ve written about one reality show and the empty, mammoth husks of humanity that star in them, you kind of want to write about them all. So here’s Kim Kardashian literally comparing Keeping Up With The Kardashians to I Love Lucy with a straight face. Although, it’s not like she could move it if she wanted to. Via Gossip Cop:

Speaking at the Re/Code Code Mobile conference on Monday, the reality star complained that her success is viewed as inferior to that of other celebrities.
Kardashian was first asked why people don’t take her seriously. She replied, “That is a question that sometimes I get frustrated with. I pride myself in my work ethic and I work really hard.”
Kardashian went on, “I think sometimes that when people hear that I might have gotten success off of a ‘reality show,’ they take that as a negative. We’re filming our tenth season. We’ve had nine seasons of spinoffs. We have more episodes than ‘I Love Lucy.’ We have so many milestones that people don’t think about.” She further declared, “I don’t think reality TV gets the respect it deserves.”

I Love Lucy was a scripted show that required brilliant writing and equally brilliant actors to pull of the comedic timing just right which is why it’s regarded as one of the most beloved timeless classics in TV history. Keeping Up With The Kardashians is a show where vapid, wealthy shitheads go shopping while cameras follow them around. And sometimes they eat salad. That’s basically it. As for the respect it deserves, you’re in the same genre as vagina clown cars, the cults that fly out of them, and walrus swamp people who let pedophiles near their kids. You just happen to be the fancier freak show, and I’m only saying that because the whole child molester thing really lowered the bar here. You couldn’t have picked a better time to pull this.

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Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Mama June’s Daughter Was Molested In Front Of Her Other Daughter

October 29th, 2014 // 84 Comments
June Shannon
CPS Is Investigating
Mama June Shannon
And Sugar Bear's Fighting For Custody Read More »

With each passing day, the Mama June dating a convicted child molester who raped her own daughter situation keeps getting soul-crushingly worse even with child protective services involved who probably can’t do shit. And now Radar has released the full incident report from Mark McDaniel‘s sexual abuse of June’s daughter Anna (Chickadee) which apparently included him forcing her three-year-old sister Pumpkin to watch which is where I stopped reading because fuck all that. You can read the full report yourself if you’re so inclined, some of which even Radar wouldn’t reprint, but you’d think that there’s already more than enough god awful here to realize this woman is a goddamn monster – not a fat joke – for letting this guy come back around. (Even sadder, Pumpkin seems to be on her mother’s side.) In the meantime, here’s the bare minimum TLC can do to atone for this horseshit: More »

Jose Canseco Shot His Finger Off

October 29th, 2014 // 65 Comments
Jose Canseco
Previously In Guns
Chrissy Teigen Breasts ESPYs
Pussies Ran Chrissy Teigen Off Twitter With Death Threats Read More »

“Come into my world, flower. If you can handle it.”

There’s an even more sick and disturbing Honey Boo Boo update coming up, so before I darken everybody’s soul with that (The Superficial: I’mma Put My Pain In You), let’s laugh at an idiot shooting his own finger off because natural selection is hilarious. TMZ reports:

Former major league slugger Jose Canseco blew his middle finger clear off his hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas.
Jose’s fiancée Leila Knight tells TMZ Sports … he was sitting at a table in their home cleaning the gun when it went off. She says he didn’t know it was loaded — and the shot ripped through the middle finger on his left hand.

And while this could’ve ended very badly for anyone else in the room, or the next house over, as this shit does, I’m not even going to get on my soapbox about gun control and instead offer a friendly suggestion: If you’re the type of person who’s terrible at remembering simple instructions like “be sure the child is securely fastened before starting the vehicle” or “always check the chamber,” don’t own a fucking gun. In fact, just don’t even touch them. They’re not for you. This colorful bouncing ball on the other hand? All yours, champ. Go nuts.

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Photo: Getty

All You Need To Know About Jenny McCarthy’s Sirius Show In One Pic

October 29th, 2014 // 21 Comments
On Quitting 'The View'
Jenny McCarthy Derpface Daily News Readers Care To Feed The Hungry Canned Food Drive
Fired. They Fired Her For Making Kids Die From Measles. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

If a picture is worth a thousand words, in this case they’re all “PPPRRRRRPPPFFFTHH,” then extended cackling followed by a suicidal producer shuffling into the booth with a can of Febreeze. Snooki appearing on any show called Dirty, Sexy, Funny With Jenny McCarthy is a joke that writes itself since only one of those adjectives applies and I’ll let you figure out which one based solely on the time she pissed herself so she didn’t have to stop dancing. Yep, it was “sexy,” nailed it. I honestly can’t imagine who’s listening to this show, because as far as I know you can’t see tits on the rad– WHY HAS NOONE TOLD US ABOUT THIS?! *jumps in car, repeatedly presses scan* SHOW ME, SHOW ME!! *drives off cliff*

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Photo: Getty

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

October 29th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Ben Affleck‘s making PSAs about saving the bats now. No, really. [Lainey Gossip]

- Julia Roberts really wants you to know she’s never had plastic surgery. [tooFAB]

- Jon Voight wants Angelina Jolie to play Michelle Bachmann. Okay… [Dlisted]

- Meet the Chivettes of ChiveFest Dallas [theCHIVE]

- Kim Kardashian can seamlessly blend into any role. [The Frisky]

- Pope Francis just basically admitted there might not be a God. [The Daily Banter]

- Kylie Jenner is super mad you’re talking about her lips, you guys. [WWTDD]

- Sarah Palin will pretend to run for office again because her grift is strong. [Death and Taxes]

- Goddamn, Vanessa Hudgens… [Popoholic]

- Have I mentioned how much I love this Tumblr? I love this Tumblr. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- What’s up, Shawn Dillon? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jennette McCurdy might be naked again. Allegedly. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet