Octomom Cleared By Child Services

April 27th, 2012 // 48 Comments
Defends $500 Haircuts
Octomom Child Endangerment Investigation
Has 'Own Money' For Those, But Still Needs Welfare Read More »

The secret ingredient is kids.

So earlier in the week we learned that Octomom locks her kids in a room while she drops $500 (Of her own money! That welfare cash is totally different, you guys.) on in-home Brazilian Blowouts whenever she’s not letting them graffiti the walls and traipse through each other’s piss and shit because she won’t pay a plumber. And considering she lives in California, child services practically named her Mother of the Year. TMZ reports:

Three DCFS workers showed up moments ago at Nadya Suleman’s Orange County home — and according to Octo, the trio gave her a rave review … despite the shocking living conditions in her home.
Octo called in to TMZ Live, saying, “[DCFS] said it’s a very suitable environment for these children.”
Even crazier, Octo claimed the DCFS workers were actually impressed with her parenting skills — telling us, “They can’t even believe that I can do what I’ve been doing.”

Of course, it probably helps that Octomom had an emergency paint crew cover up the walls for free yesterday because that’ll teach her to stop doing this shit. Also, I’m almost positive the Orange County Department of Children and Family Services has a special set of rules in place just for Octomom:

Exception Case: “Octomom”

- Provided at least seven of the 14 children are still alive and/or the bodies of the dead ones are at least partially out of sight of the remaining children, OC DCFS policy is to not even touch this fucking shit with a ten-foot pole. For real, get in the house and get the hell out as quickly as possible. Carry a gun if you want to and fire indiscriminately, it really doesn’t matter. Just make sure at least half those kids are somewhat alive so people aren’t all like, “Ohmygod, why didn’t you do something?” IT’S 14 FUCKING KIDS. Christ, you try and get in and out of that house and take one home. The octuplets have spears! Fucking SPEARS. We’re almost convinced she filled the basement with candy corn to keep them from escaping.

Addendum: If a pig’s head is mounted on a pole in the front yard, DCFS workers are permitted to drive a tank right into the goddamn living room. Just VROOOOOOOOOM right on in there. This shit ain’t worth dying over.

Photos: Splash News


  1. MRF

    I usually find your snark spot on, and real smart, but you might want to be a bit careful with the Octomom welfare story. She’s definitely an awful mom, but you’re skirting close to that demonization of welfare mom’s narrative. This is one of those rare situations where I think an awful person probably deserves some sympathy, rather than more attacks. Her kids deserve it even more, but a 500 dollar haircut is certainly not as bad as corporate welfare, for instance.

    • Cock Dr

      I find my limited sympathies lie with the CA taxpayers on this one.
      The “fertility Dr” who implanted those eggs should be publically tarred and feathered. It’s a good old school punishment that needs to be revived for special cases of avarice and greed.

      • EricLr

        Fortunately, they did strip him of his medical license. Unfortunately, it was 14 kids too late.

      • The doc may have been wrong, but Octomom was warned by everyone close to her not to have anymore babies. Six and being a single mom is hell enough. She goes on TV whining how poor she is and she gets her house painted for free? $500. is a big price tag for a hair job too when she cant provide adequate plumbing. Obviously she still has her head screwed on backwards. She said her hairdresser is a friend. What kind of friend charges another friend that much? I’m a hairdresser too.

    • JC

      Welfare moms who are on it because they need the help and are responsible with the money they’re given are one thing. Welfare moms who spend $500 on a haircut deserve all the demonization they get. $500 is what, probably 10 new pairs of kids’ shoes at a suitable discount place? She’s a selfish whore.

    • Why does it have to be either/or? She was on disability for years before she inveigled fertility treatments out of Kaiser and stuck the state with millions in expenses – and if GE got itself knocked up on purpose and stuck me with the tab I’d be just as fucking pissed.

      The whole point of her receiving assistance is because she claims she has insufficient income – and FYI, people who legitimately don’t have enough funds don’t have the cash to blow on blow-outs. It’s not a question of “I have money, it’s just my destitute kids who don’t”.

      So no, I don’t think she “probably deserves some sympathy”. I think she’s a self-involved, self-absorbed, irresponsible, delusional loon who can always rationalize giving herself what she wants to make herself feel better – no matter how much it’s obtained at anyone else’s expense. I feel sorry for her kids, because in her life, she will always come first – she had them to make herself feel good, but quite frankly, they should never have been born in the first place.

      I also have no sympathy for con artists. Sue me, I’m a terrible person.

      • MRF

        The point is that she’s poor and crazy, and hardly a con-artist, for that would require more rational thought than she possesses. I’m not condoning what she’s doing, but it’s never a good idea to unleash hate on those who are weaker than us. And living in a community (in this case CA) means that sometimes we have to support people who misuse our help, hoping that they’ll eventually get there shit together, because not giving them help is an even worse alternative.

      • Bull. Shit.

        I actually live in CA and have no trouble as a member of the “community” supporting people who do need help. I realize that for every system ever implemented there will be scammers and cheaters, and I don’t propose dismantling the system to stymie them at the expense of those who need a safety net.

        But giving delusional people what they want when they want it should not be allowed – she was rational enough to lie about being on disability when she went to Kaiser for fertilty treatments, and she was rational enough to characterize getting food stamps as not being on public assistance so that she came off looking better in the media’s eyes.

        And “not giving her help” in underwriting fertility treatments that resulted in multiple-birth pregnancy when she was aleady on disabilty for a bad back and receiving food stamps for the six kids she could barely care for at the time would mean none of this would be happening now. So this IS the “even worse alternative”.

        And bleating that she’s “weaker than us” is a pathetic excuse not to find her worthy of criticism for her actions. They’re irresponsible, reckless, and come at the expense of everyone else. Just because she’s “weaker” doesn’t mean she hasn’t done, and can’t continue to do, a fuck of a lot more damage than the strongest person you know.

      • MRF

        I know your attitude is very reasonable, and totally understandable (I really do get it), but coming from Canada, I think that your attitude (more than the conservative asshole attitude) is part of why you don’t have good schools (or only in rich neighbourhoods) and no universal healthcare. Who gives a shit about Octomom from a public policy perspective? You can’t have a decent social safety net if you only fund the people you like, and the Republicans are quite good at making that list of people you don’t like quite long.

      • It’s not a question of “funding the people you like” – that’s a straw man argument right there. It’s a question of allowing an obvious and egregious abuse of public funds to continue unchecked- which actually hurts the people who really are needy, who are the ones the system should be caring for. This walking train wreck has shown, and continues to show, a persistant pattern of manipulation, lying and what could be characterized as an almost criminal amount of self-deception. So until what limit is she going to be allowed to continue to pocket public funds to spend on her hair care whims before someone puts chocks to this – or at least shaves her head? If Brazillian Blowouts hadn’t refunded the money, would she next be recycling disposable diapers so that she could spend the money that should be budgeted for them on a mani/pedi? The fact that she’s got a litter of 14 means CPS will be esxtremely reluctant to take them away from her, since the odds of placing a more than a couple of the kids together is greater than Lindsay Lohan’s getting a serious move role. Since at least one is autistic, there’s another stumbling block.

        Sorry, I think it’s possible to have sympathy for a typical welfare mom and also be able to ascertain that this woman does not fall into that category,

      • Um, as a Canadian, I’d be equally fucking appalled if public dollars were being misappropriated in this manner. I completely support social assistance, but it can’t be doled out without some kind of personal responsibility, of which you seem to be absolving Octomom.

      • Iveski

        Exactly. MRF is a fucking tool who thinks that the best way to help a pyromaniac is to give that person some more gasoline. I hate Conservatives and their “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” rhetoric as they would have people living in Dickensian squalor. But there’s a difference between being a heartless asshole and just fucking ignoring the reality that Octomon is a fucking cunt who is abusing the system.

      • MRF, I’m from Canada too (Hamilton, Ontario) and I’m a lefty liberal type who supports our welfare system as sometimes people DO NEED HELP. But this woman is a fucking lunatic who should be sterilized and given a fucking lobotomy. Those kids should be taken away and she should be refused any sort of financial assistence unless she gets fucking tubes tied. Oh I’m sure there would be an outcry from certain bible thumping fucksticks and right to life assholes and if that’s the case then ask those dumb cocksuckers to hand over 25% of their monthly income to support this retarded cunt and they’ll STFU pretty quick I’m guessing.

        This woman needs to be treated like any mindless animal that would be fixed purely to keep her from shitting out kids. Honestly, I wish someone would kill her just so that we wouldn’t have to hear about the fucking moron and so that those kids could be put into foster care.

      • Blech

        What MRF is trying to say is that Toxo is too stupid/high/ugly to do much of anything in life so she has con-artists behind her ( and all over the web, too) giving her ideas or, well, telling her what to do and say all the time. This is why when she’s called to answer a question on her own, she comes across as an idiot or all-around irrational douchebag..

        See, Toxomom is basically just like any skeevy company or empire on the planet, just much less classy and much more piece of shit.

    • EricLr

      Sure, they should just hand taxpayer money out to anyone–millionaire or pauper–that shits out a kid. It’s not like they need to use that money for anything else, or have a huge budget deficit.

      “Hey, I’m rich and drive a new Mercedes. I just had a kid and hear you’re giving out free money…”

      “Sure ma’am, just grab some from the pile over there. And may I recommend a 5-star restaurant where you can spend it?”

    • I have no sympathies for any of the parties involved.

      First you have this bitch who decided it would be a good idea to have a shitload of kids. She couldn’t take care of the 6 she had so she decided to have 8 more.

      Then you have California with the screwed up laws and court system.

      The taxpayers of California are getting exactly what they deserve!

    • MRFisretarded

      MRF, You are completely mentally ill and should have a doctor check you out. She deserves sympathy, my left nut deserves sympathy too then. These poor kids do need sympathy and the welfare money she’s getting should go to make sure they are living in healthy conditions unlike they currently are.

      • She actually said the welfare money is going for the children. The problem arises when she can afford to pay 500 bucks for hair care and products. That 500 bucks could be spent on the children and their care. Or maybe saving some money so you can slowly get off of welfare. No, that’s not how these people think.

        If she can afford 500 bucks for a hair cut then she can afford to drop some of the welfare and let it go to others who need it.

      • The problem arises when she apparently thinks she and the children have separate checking accounts, so that the kids get the welfare money and she gets to blow whatever other funds are available [aka "Nadya's Mad Money"] on herself. Considering the many other examples we’ve seen of her defective and bombed-out thought process in action, not to much of a fucking surprise there.

        And for anyone who actually believes her story that DCFS was bubbling over with praise for her parenting skills, I’m flying Nazis to the moon this weekend and I have an aisle seat free.

      • Blech

        This low-life asshole just wants a new house, on everyone else’s dime. That’s why she’s selling the boo-hoo-woe-is-my-family-and-house story.
        Well, on California’s dime at least because she ain’t receiving jack-shit from me in donations or pity.

        You’re on your own, Silicone.

    • BE

      I think the elephant in the room here is that Octomom thought that her story would be just as appealing as Jon & Kate Plus Eight. That she and her children would become media darlings and that she could have her cake and eat it too. And the fertility doctor probably thought that too.

      Best laid plans of mice and men..etc

    • Elle

      It’s very clear this article is aimed as Nadya Suleman and not mothers in welfare in general.

    • Sliver

      I don’t feel the need to defend this woman, but I heard her on Dr. Drew the other day and the $500 was for haircuts for ALL of the kids. If you’re talking about 14 kids, that’s about right. I went to get my child’s hair cut the other day and they charged around $20. I found it a little ridiculous. The average would be $35 per kid, which is not off the charts for a haircut in Calif. Not that I’d be shocked to find out this chick is not good with money (or any other choice.) Ahem. She does seem overwhelmed.

  2. Dick Hell

    Looks like she has learned her lesson, which is why she’s keeping that newborn-size food processor handy. Good for her!

  3. Dickish

    Good Christ, I hope that’s the *before* photo of a $500 haircut.

  4. AAPL made me rich!

    When they said clear I was hoping they meant delete.

  5. dinosaurland

    I can’t wait for the fourteen tell-all books these kids write.

  6. The only uplifting part of this sorry page is the picture of Charlize Theron.

  7. Liverflo—Work at home, eh? Do they hire Octomoms…?

  8. EricLr

    California’s child services system will basically look the other way unless you’re beating the kids with a baseball bat right in front of them. And even then they just giving you a warning.

  9. Guest

    Just goes to show that Cali really is the land of idiots.

  10. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Jonathan Smithson
    Commented on this photo:

    I swear to God, when I first saw that picture as I was scrolling down on the website I thought she was holding up remains of one of a baby fetus

  11. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    “How do you get a dead baby into a glass? With a blender! How do you get it out? With a straw! God, I love those jokes!”

  12. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now, if the seven of you don’t keep quiet, I’ll make a milkshake out of you, too. Understand? Good. Where was I? Oh, right. Here’s your milkshake, Mr. Manson.”

  13. Bane

    Pretty blatant SCAM. Total set-up. She just got a ton of free shit and services because TMZ was dumb enough to publish the photos. She played everyone.

  14. Slash

    These are the people (the government of the state of California) who somehow didn’t notice a woman and her child being kept in a guy’s backyard for 18 years, so yeah, this isn’t really a shock.

    I’m kinda surprised there was even an investigation. It’s open season on kids out there. You can run over them and everything, no problem.

  15. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    “I didn’t want to say it but this wall does need more spray paint”

  16. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    Who puts a whole chicken in a milkshake?

  17. Burt

    My guess is that she hasn’t considered at all how her celebrity/notoriety will impact her kids. Those kids are going to have to be very thick-skinned when they start school.

  18. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m not generally an irrationally violent person…but this picture really makes me want to take a claw hammer to her fucking face. Something in the smug smile.

  19. napoleon

    not sure if anyone knows that it will cost much more money if they actually detained these children.

  20. Let's Ignore Octomom Forever

    Please do not post on her anymore. She’s just so awful. The more attention we give her, the more she’ll do crap like this that causes those poor children to suffer. Let’s not feed this beast.

  21. Octomom Millions of Milkshakes
    Commented on this photo:

    Her child looks sooo happy!

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