Kim Kardashian Is Gonna Love ‘The Paperboy’

May 24th, 2012 // 20 Comments
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Incontinence got you down?

When I found out Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman were starring in a movie called The Paperboy, I honestly just assumed it was an adaptation of the classic arcade game because Hollywood is straight the fuck out of ideas. Turns out it’s actually some sort of murder-mystery dealie set in the sixties where – SPOILER ALERT – Nicole Kidman pees all over Zac Efron’s chest to cement their love. No, really. Vulture reports:

Later in the movie, as Efron’s romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.

So remember a while back when Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet of a kids movie premiere to supposedly seduce Nicole Kidman? I totally believe it now. In fact, I’m almost positive his letters to her went exactly like this:

Dearest Nicole,

Ever since that sixth take when your long, pale, sinewy legs squatted above my chest and a PA off-camera squeezed fake urine out of a tube tucked into your underwear because you’re incapable of producing moisture of any kind, why I knew just then I had to have you. Which is why, with my heart on my sleeve and caution in the wind, I decided to let that condom fall in front of those children because, by God, if this is a world where a man can’t let a woman know he has a large penis, why are people even having kids in the first place? It just seems cruel.

Longing for you,

Z-Dawg

Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Bane

    I guess a Cleveland Steamer would kill any chance of a PG-13 rating.

  2. The jellyfish are CG, how do we know the urine stream isn’t? Or maybe Zac insisted on a male stunt pisser. That’s a more likely scenario.

    • …Gee what a total ripoff.

      Ben Stiller got peed on in– “The Heartbreak kid”– for exactly the same reason by some unmemorable actress bitch.

      One would think that in this one they would have attempted to be a bit more original and have Nicole Kidman push out an ass-ripping elephant sized turd into the awaiting gaping mouth of the questionable heterosexual Zac Efron.

      Now this scenario would be worth the 10 bucks, and the suicidal Miami traffic to go see.

  3. Zac probably walked around for days wondering where the smell of asparagus and B vitamins was coming from.

  4. Matthew McConaughey Nicole Kidman Zac Efron The Paperboy Cannes
    Snow J. Frost
    Commented on this photo:

    I think Matthew is wishing he had hair like Zac’s.

  5. Matthew McConaughey Nicole Kidman Zac Efron The Paperboy Cannes
    Commented on this photo:

    “That’s what I love about Nicole Kidman, man. I get older, she stays the same age.”

    • Re-watch Top Car…er I mean Days of Thunder. She was smoking hot back then. Today, not so much.

      • “Re-watch” assumes I saw it a first time. But maybe I’ll put in on my list of Crappy Movies I Should Maybe See Just To Keep Up With Pop-Culture References. Right after American Pie, Showgirls, and Zoolander.

      • cc

        Watch her in Dead Calm. Or, more precisely, pause when you get to see her naked ass. Trust me, it’s worth it.

      • Hell, I pause it so I can savor that douchebag Billy Zane getting shot in the mouth wth a flare gun. If you actually want Kidman flat ass, no body double, see Eyes Wide Shut.

  6. Little Jimmy

    Maybe this will be William ‘RayJ’ Norwood’s big break.

  7. Crabby Old Guy

    So they create a scene where the lead actress pees on the lead actor (well, I know it’s Zach Efron, but let’s let that go for a minute) because he’s stung by a jelly fish? You know, all of a sudden all the comic book and video game-inspired films sound better.

  8. west

    Kimbo and PMK suck ass.

  9. Archie Leach

    Meh. With internet porn that’s practically free being available, count me out.

  10. I bet Kim would love the movie even more if Zac was black.

  11. Juano

    YUCK!!!!!!!!!!

  12. This explains what Ray-J did that day to Kim. It wasn’t just some white trailer trash/ghetto’ed-up nasty assed whore slutty shit that was happening. It was actually first aid for jellyfish stings. Of course, when she opened her mouth, that maybe wasn’t medicallly necessary. But who am I to say, I’m not an EMT like Ray-J is.

  13. This woman is so desperate to remain relevant it’s sickening.

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