Looking to join the prestigious ranks of Charlie Sheen, Chris Brown and Mel Gibson, Nicolas Cage was arrested for domestic abuse and disturbing the peace early Saturday morning after getting absolutely shit-hammered in New Orleans where he’s filming Medallion. Details have been pouring in, so here’s the latest rundown of his night which somehow includes a Dog the Bounty Hunter cameo. I’m not even joking. Via TMZ:
1. Like any drunk with time to kill, Nicolas Cage decided he wanted a tattoo right now, so he burst into a parlor holding a cup full of booze, threw his shirt off and proceeded to repeatedly tell everyone he had no idea where his apartment is. He followed this up by suggesting the employees call the cops so maybe they can tell him where he lives. What could go wrong?
3. While stumbling around trying to find their apartment, Nic and Alice proceed to get in a heated argument where an alleged assault took place, prompting a cabbie to call the cops.
4. The cops arrive and apparently they were transferred from Hollywood because they simply tell Nic and Alice to go home which seems like a pretty sweet deal for a guy who just abused his wife in front of eyewitnesses. Except Nic Cage ain’t having it. He proceeds to dare them to arrest him which they finally do, but only after the second time. Obviously, this is a man who started the night out with a plan, and that plan was, “I’m going to sleep in the drunk tank or get a tattoo trying.”
5. Dog the Bounty Hunter shows up and pays Nic’s bail presumably to see if he can rip a hole in the universe through sheer random occurrence. (In related news, the president’s a cat now.)
6. Nic gives an entire week’s worth of prime-time interviews rife with nonsensical catchphrases causing a flurry of fans to proclaim he’s “living the dream” and “everyone else is just jealous.”
7. A live stage show titled, “Nic Cage’s Wild Eyed SayShitaLooza,” is announced shortly thereafter.
8. I put a goddamn gun in my mouth.