Nick Cannon writes crazy shit about Eminem

May 11th, 2009 // 135 Comments

Nick Cannon just heard Eminem’s “Bagpipes from Baghdad” off his new album Relapse, and it contains several choice words about Mariah Carey. Not one to let an opportunity at relevancy pass him by, Nick Cannon took to his blog and essentially wrote a 500-page novel on whether or not he should kick Eminem’s ass. I’m not even joking. Here’s an excerpt from the insanity:

So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, ” What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”

Nick then goes on to equate insulting Mariah Carey as an insult to black women everywhere and then informs Eminem he knows karate before eventually ending on this note:

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!

Here’s what I want to know: How did Nick Cannon have time to write all this when he should’ve been cleaning the pool, picking up the dry cleaning and constantly refilling Mariah’s glass? Oh, and also not having sex. That, too.

Photos: Splash News
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  1. Boogeyman King Dong

    How about splitting her in two?

  2. Sauron

    The one who cares most about her will get her! Unless Mariah Carey don’t give a crap.

  3. missywissy (with a hint of caucasion)

    Everyone in here is dogging on Nick Cannon, but come on! He’s defending his wife! He’d be a bigger bitch if he didn’t.

    Eminem IS a has been. His schtick is making fun of people and trying to act like a psycho. It’s old. We’re ready for a change. Yes we can.

    I didn’t know Mariah Carey was black. I saw her on Oprah a while back when Oprah did a salute to black women and Mariah was one of them, and I was like what the?? It’s cool though. I guess now a days, if you’re any part black whatsoever, you’re just black. Look at Obama. Love the guy, but how do people choose to be just half of who they are? Can’t you be both? Can’t they just mix the names together like “Brangelina” only call it Blaucasion? Or African-Caucasion? Mariah would be “Caucasion with a hint of Africanism”.

  4. justifiable

    #3 He learned his grammar and language skiils at the same “school of thought” where he majored in tough-guy-shit-talking and Random Capitalization. Dude was valedictorian. True story.

  5. justifiable

    #53 Check out Mo’Nique’s mixed-race flow chart in “Domino”, where she explains to Jerry Spinger’s audience what “Japanic”, “Blacktino” and “Chinegro” mean.

    Fuckin’ hysterical! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIoCHuG2pBw

  6. tender dracula

    I went to high school with nick cannon, and the area is a middle class suburb. he certainly didnt pick up his thug mentality in rancho san diego.

  7. gordonlevitt

    @53

    I think Mariah Carey being called black is a remnant of the one drop rule.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_drop_rule

  8. Eazy

    He thinks he is big enough to take on Eminem?

    hahaha

  9. bugman

    I’d love to see those two brawl. They’d be all windmilling their arms like middle-school girls.

    Nice to see Mariah’s still rockin’ that cleavage!

  10. Sushi

    For a man his age, if I was him I would worry about grammar more than anything else. My 14 year old cousin can speak better.

  11. kittywoo

    @30 Hilarious!!

  12. yessuh

    N word.

  13. poot poot poot

    Mariah is looking THICK. Not in the good way either. Good lord.

  14. Brinosaur

    nick cannon your an idiot…..seriously shutup and take it….your corny and mariah probably told your ass to shut up….but your an idiot so you did anyways…come ON it’S EMINEM…..A HAS BEEN? COME ON SERIOUSLY? YOUR AN IDIOT….GOOD LUCK GETTING ANY KIND OF JOB OTHER THAN YOUR GAY MOVIES YOU DO…PEACE!

  15. Venom

    He is talking smack because he has Mariah’s bodyguards to protect him.
    You know she is not going to let her little lap dog get hurt.
    LOL

  16. Kelsey

    “He begins to call my wife out of her name! . So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame..”

    What the fuck? Is this even English? I could barely even read it. Next time I think Nick Cannon should probably dictate his blog to someone who can correctly utilize the English language.

  17. Huckleberry Hashimoto

    Mariah is, maybe, MAYBE, an octoroon, if she’s lucky.

  18. stu

    Nick Cannon is the gay.
    Eminem’ is gay too
    both need to STFU or I’m going to kill them both

  19. Swank

    Nick Cannon is in trouble. Em’s gonna have a new song written about him next week that’s gonna make this chump look silly.

  20. When married to this woman we’re not really surprised, folks!!

  21. Puff Def

    Hey Nick – Mariah may be your wife but she’s still a has been, hip=hop fluzy and a ring wont ever change that. Ur such a whiny lil punk b!tch. I cant wait to watch EM drop you in your place – if he even takes the time to respond to a ‘no talent @ss clown’ like yourself

  22. yeh right

    typical rapper “i’m harder than you” drama…………idiots need to realize my grandma (and she’s dead) could put either of these wannabe tough guys on their ass, pathetic………….what is wrong with these people; i could give a flying fuck about what u drive; what horrendous jewelry u wear; what retarded looking “ride” u drive (leased of course) ; which particular mammoth fat ass girl ur bangin’; waving $ around like u actually have it; how nice ur “grill” is etc etc………i’m not racist by nature but this behaviour is just fucking wanky to say the least………..and white guys that admire this “lifestyle”, please step up…….i will pound u like a fucking nail, fake ass, tough guy m-fer

  23. Want some fun online come to me!!!
    Click on my name

  24. Bo

    What a dumbass, this only makes him look like a egotistical moron.

  25. Karma

    wow, usually these comments all suck. However, there are a couple on here today that really deserve kudos for being fabulous! #30 and #53 – laughed my ass off!

  26. The bitch is crazy – and i don’t mean Mariah or Marshall.

  27. denise

    NICK WHO?????????????????

  28. Jeezy

    Nick Cannon is a fucking irrelevant faggot.

  29. I see relying on Mariah’s tits did nothing for his prospects, so now it’s time for total career suicide. Hey tough guy… I hear Lil Bow Wow called yo mama a ho…

  30. GGooDie

    This dude just same some ‘Grown man Shit’

    The last time I checked writing your emotions on a blog is far from grown man.

    If you wanted to say something to EM about him talking about your wife…it is called a cell phone or just shut the fuck up gigolo!

  31. GGooDie

    Did this dude just say some ‘Grown man Shit’

    The last time I checked writing your emotions on a internet blog is far from grown man.

    If you wanted to say something to EM about him talking about your wife…it is called a cell phone or just shut the fuck up gigolo!

  32. k. otik

    The comments on here concerning Mariah Carey’s blackness are appallingly ignorant. For those who don’t know any US history, white people invented the One Drop Rule, which states that if you have one drop of black blood, you are black. Racist white people wanted this “rule” because the didn’t want biracial people classified as white because they considered them mongrels. For hundreds of years, black people have opened their arms to bi and multiracial people and accepted them as part of our community. Mariah Carey is black, white and Venezuelan and as a multiracial woman, she is also part of the black community.
    Also – “African Americans,” in general, are all multiracial. It’s extremely easy to tell the difference between a black American and an African because most of us have Native American and white ancestors. Blacks come in every shade from Mariah white to Akon black.
    Educate yourselves people.

  33. k. otik

    The comments on here concerning Mariah Carey’s blackness are appallingly ignorant. For those who don’t know any US history, white people invented the One Drop Rule, which states that if you have one drop of black blood, you are black. Racist white people wanted this “rule” because the didn’t want biracial people classified as white because they considered them mongrels. For hundreds of years, black people have opened their arms to bi and multiracial people and accepted them as part of our community. Mariah Carey is black, white and Venezuelan and as a multiracial woman, she is also part of the black community.
    Also – “African Americans,” in general, are all multiracial. It’s extremely easy to tell the difference between a black American and an African because most of us have Native American and white ancestors. Blacks come in every shade from Mariah white to Akon black.
    Educate yourselves people.

  34. She’s crying because they just announced they ran out of hamburgers.

  35. jimmy

    “Is you scared?”…talking like that sets the black race back another 100 years. My money is on Eminem to soundly kick this posers ass. Oh, and Mariah is about as black as I am.

  36. huh?

    Real Africans, from the continent…LAUGH at the so called African Americans in this country. They want nothing to do with thier classless use of the language and the rap culture. It’s a modern day minstral show.

  37. TallFace

    To say Eminem is UNGODLY for what he’s done, and then turn around and threaten him, seems a TAD hypocritical. Evil begets evil Mr. Cannon, but what do I care…ignorance is bliss.

  38. Kelley

    53. I think you mean Caucasian … learn to spell.

  39. DMZ

    <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

    Hey Nick Cannon, you are a fuckin’ Nigga so who the Fuck cares what you think!
    As for Mariah Carey, she is just another Hollywood SLUT! Eat shit the both of you ass-clowns! Word Nigga!

    <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

  40. Nick Cannon offered my $50 for a blojob in a Bronx portapotty.

    I accepted.

    Mitchhaase(dot)blogspot(dot)com

  41. ii Sinestro ii

    Woooow, the Sultan of Smack Nick S. Preston Esquireee!

    Im with him dude, eminem is just living in the past, that which made him records; that is shtting on everyone else so as to deviate from his own shitty rhymes. Hes a white guy rapping, and hes no House Of Pain. More Nick cannon turning on the swagger and asking Eminem how his ass tastes once Eminem gets RUNNNN

  42. CakeSnifferer

    I didn’t know Mariah Carey was married, but now that I do know I’m surprised to find out she’s not married to a celebrity or some rich person.

  43. CakeSnifferer

    Come to think of it, maybe she thought he was Willie McGee.

  44. whay

    Negros crack me up. Mariah is black?

  45. THEREAL DEAL

    EMinem is a has been.. with poor ailing “down the drain” career.. do you really have to pick on women? i could see that nick cannon was holding back a bit.. there is still some virtue left inside of him..

    eminem do that to me, il turn my back to that useless cr*p rapper, but do that to my wife? ill pump him right open make him a new as5h0le at his right butt cheek, homophobic black “wannabee” punk be sh1tt1ng for months sideways..

    and to all you pro eminem, u think he is GOD, good rapper..watever BS.. u think he got the right to do that on women? think twice you f*gg0ts.. well, F*ck u eminem fag!

  46. april

    I wanna know if a man came up in your face and called your woman a whore and a cunt you woulnt say or do anything my husband better speak up or he going to be put to the streets its not about being a hood its about standing up to a guy who only picks on woman boybands or people who cant rap why would nick or any man be afraid of eminem mariah already shut him down and he went away crying so for 8 years hes been stalking her and trying to convince people he had her mariah is never going to go that low em is a racist he already told people how he feels about black woman i just want to know how can people say hes good and bad when he has not even went after anybody big like jayz nas or kanye and if he called beyonce a whore or halle berry jayz and the black community would break his ass and people would be egging him on i want to thank nick for doing what nobody has done in a while stand up for their woman dont let the haters get you down PS feminem has got a kid all i gotta say is karma is a bitch i just heard kanye went after feminem leta see how he handles kanye

  47. Mario

    Nick Canon is whiter than eminem… Now back up then karate chopping words and do something about it…or is the Christ like Nick with no dick going to run this??

  48. april

    feminen is not black he just hangs out with black men who kisses his ass how is some guy who only goes after women go kick ass he may kick yours though no matter who the joker hangs out withy hes still white trash and mario im glad you aint my punk ass man em cant beat nobody his white trash of a wife was with another man and he sneaked to hit the man in the back with a bottle ha ha maybe hes getting it on with his kid hayley since he likes to hurt women and tell jokes oh dont get mad because i said something about his whore of a daughter and his cunt of a wife im just joking ha ha you see i can joke like em but hes sick so you never know i kn ow you people can take a joke i hope he does not get his kid pregnant ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha lol

  49. NATALIE

    Mariah your music is beautiful. Nick you protected your wife. Eminem you exercised your freedom of speech. lets move on. by gones be by gones

  50. missywissy

    People that point out bad spelling are stupid. Everybody spells wrong once in a while. It’s like saying “i think I just threw up in my mouth a little”. Come up with a new dig.

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