We Are Now Worthy To Know The Name of Natalie Portman’s Son

July 6th, 2011 // 64 Comments

“And then I had this horrible dream where your effete ass knocked me up. It was so real!”

Natalie Portman‘s son was born almost a month ago, yet his name hasn’t been announced until now. Possibly because of Jewish custom which doesn’t sound sexy, so let’s assume Benjamin Millepied threw his crepes on the floor and cursed our peasant ears. Via Hollywood Life:

According to the Israeli TV show Good Evening with Guy Pines (remember, Natalie was born in Israel!), Natalie and Benjamin have chose the name Alef for their son!
[Ed. People says it's spelled "Aleph."]
Alef is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It has been said that the letter represents the “oneness of God” and is related to the element of Air.

Granted, it’s no Hiram Baryshnikov Alouette Millepied The Thousand and Oneth, I guess naming your kid “Lord of the Air” is still sort of pretentious. But, Yahweh willing, his middle name will turn out to be Jesus Amadeus Magic Feet.

Fingers crossed. Kosherly.

Photos: INFdaily

superficial

  1. Any Guy

    isn’t that the name Vern Troyer was calling out in this clip? I smell a lawsuit… http://youtu.be/md_SsRLV3Sk

  2. Bluebies

    So… they named their kid “A”…

  3. more correctly put, alef is the first letter in the [pre-hebrew] ancient egyptian alpha-bet (means ox head). bet (house) was also taken from ancient egyptian.
    every alphabet isn’t based on hebew or sanskrit as some would have you believe..

  4. brian

    So they are not naming him Human Miillepied

    Crickets chirping

  5. Lemmiwinks

    Stupid celebs… they don’t even know how to spell Alex.

  6. Tim

    I know she says the named the kid after the letter A but I’m gonna pretend she’s just a bit geekier than than and probably just REALLY likes Shining Force.
    This is Alef
    http://tinyurl.com/3qlqfac

    • Colin

      Holy crap I was about to play that on Virtual console like five minutes ago, before I realized the Wii remote is out of batteries and I’m too lazy to do anything about it. But wait, so that means they named their son after a female furry? Goddamn French…

      • Tim

        Some people are into weird shit. At least they didn’t name her after the ever useless Amon (who is part bird)

  7. Alex

    Agreed, Fish. There’s a difference in honoring your heritage and being a Hollywood douchebag.

  8. Brandon

    So they named their bastard child “oneness with God?”

  9. Dan

    Eh, it is OK I think. Not horrible, not fabulous.

  10. Anonymous

    I think that it’s a lovely name! They probably didn’t want to tell anyone because they knew people like you would be out of order! Well done for being different! ;)

    • yep, ox head is a great name for a kid. if you’re frank zappa

    • watson

      Im just saying you gotta be careful when naming your kid. So when Alef is screwing a girl, she will be chanting “Alef, Alef!” Or Paltrow’s kid, “Apple, apple!” Or Bear Grylls sons, “Huckleberry, Huckleberry!” “Marmaduke, marmaduke.”
      Sigh, I wouldnt be surprised if one of these kids grew up and blew shit up. I think i will start a private school for all these “uniquely”-named children. They will need to be sheltered.

      • cc

        That’s a damn good point. Imagine:

        ‘Unh, Bronx!’
        ‘I’m from Quuens’
        ‘Fuck me harder Bronx!’
        ‘I’M FROM QUEENS!!!’
        ‘Oh, yes, Bronx, just like that.’
        ‘Fuck you, I am from Queens and I am OUTTA here’

        Seriously though what bothers me most about these names is that these people have convinced themselves they are sooooo special that their kids have to have special names. It’s narcissism to a nauseating degree.

      • Hey, I knew Gwyneth Paltrow’s second kid was gonna have a wretched life from the get-go. Apple Martin will get you “apple martini” taunts on the playground, but NO ONE is EVER gonna yell out “Fuck me harder, Moses!”

  11. Beth

    The name of the show’s host pronounced penis, so I think that a TV show called “Good Evening With Guy Penis” is more ridiculous than the name Alef.

  12. Deacon Jones

    The important thing is remember to make a hocking a loogie sound when pronouncing the name –

    “Al-lef! (HAAAUCHK!)”

  13. Wesly Trent- Wainright

    Still pretending to be straight , gotta give him credit for his acting ability

  14. Donald Trump

    How long till she finds out her man is a fig?

  15. Jammies

    So the Scarlet Letter isn’t a mark of shame anymore?

  16. She didn’t name him Luke? What about the prophecy?

  17. Wesly Trent- Wainright

    I would have gone with Mighty Millipied , or Mini Millipied

  18. Wesly Trent- Wainright

    ALL-EFF- OFF

  19. farthammer

    so fucking tired of hearing about this stupid kike

  20. Euroman

    So they named their kid “A”. When he signs his name it will read “A. Millepied” (Real smart of these two idiots)

  21. Personally, I would have gone with Webster or even Blossom. But Alf isn’t bad, I guess.

  22. Issac Gascoyne

    Didn’t George Constanza want to name his kid “Seven”?

  23. Lorac

    I am totally naming my baby “Alpha”

  24. Turd Ferguson

    The over/under on this marriage is 3 years.
    And I’ll take the under.

  25. Naming their kid “A” makes a lot of sense. If they’d named him “P” everyone would think he was saying “D” or “T”…this is going to save a LOT of arguing with middle eastern call center personnel.

  26. Issac Gascoyne

    Benjamin looks so tired !
    Those acting straight lessons are really taking alot out of him

  27. Suge

    FUCK this bitch. She mutilated her sons penis all so she can “be Jewish”. Fuck her.

    • TomFrank

      Yes. What this post really needs is 200+ comments about circumcision. Like the last time.

      • Suge

        …says the man who’s missing half his cock. Don’t take it out on the rest of us! Hunt down the fuck that mutilated you. Don’t be jealous of me cuz my mommy loved me enough not to let some doctor fondle, then cut my penis. I cry for you….HA

  28. tg

    I can’t stand Natalie Portman, she is a self important hyporitical bitch, who
    defends peadophiles and now thinks she is too “important” to tell us her
    kids name. Just look at her face in that picture, sour faced and arrogant.

    • Wow, imagine the ego she must have, to want to follow whatever religion she chooses and keep whatever aspects of her private life she chooses to herself all the while depriving you of your quota of entertainment value. You, who cannot discern the sarcasm in a gossip headline and are forced to take it literally, Diabolically arrogant of her to mess with you like that, ain’t it?

      And the British spelling is “paedophiles,” numbnuts. Next time just aim for “Polanski:” and call it a day.

  29. Dick Douche, Private Eye

    It is properly spelled “א”. “Aleph” is a bastardization. (fucking Romans)

    It also means “one”.

    So maybe they meant to name their child “one”, not “A”.

    What the HELL is wrong with that?

  30. Bob

    I’m also fucking tired of hearing about these idiots and their jewish fucking culture. I really hoped she was better than that, but I should have known because of her stupid defense of Israel from years ago. She was always completely mental and many of us too ignorant to see.

  31. Venom

    I used to love her, and now I officially hate her.
    For years I have tried to pretend she is not a tool, but she is, she really is.

  32. Bernard Goldbloom

    It’s pronounced ALL EFF

  33. the captain

    ……….fred flinstone?

  34. Elf

    “Oh, no! I just remembered my English accent in V from Vendetta!”

  35. Manowl

    I think we are not fully grasping the whole scope of the pretentiousness of the chosen name:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aleph_%28short_story%29

    “the Aleph is a point in space that contains all other points. Anyone who gazes into it can see everything in the universe from every angle simultaneously, without distortion, overlapping or confusion.”

    The might as well have called the poor kid “Egon Von Pompous”. He is doomed.

    • harry seaward

      Crappin’ A – you are so right. I didn’t see this before now…thx for the link…I think!

  36. Kikidee

    That headdress she wore in “Star Wars” must have caused more than just headaches… now we clearly see the longterm effects. Btw, is breast milk vegan?

  37. BE

    Maybe not so special. After all, this poor kid will be able to sign his name:

    A. Millepied

    Should they stick together long enough to actually have another kid together, then they can name the next one:

    B.A. Millepied or C.A. Millepied or D. Millepied or Z.Millepied

    You get the idea. Yawn…

    It does pale in comparions to:

    Zappa, Moon Unit

  38. See Alice

    She does look like a never stop nagging princess . Imagine having to listen to her .

  39. royt

    How about just calling him “Bastard”?

  40. harry seaward

    Late in the game here, but just wanted to say I LOVE the caption, Fish. Hilarious!

  41. Gérard Klein

    SHE’S A CUNT! Nat Portman spews glazed cunt glue shot from her fat wet snatch and splashed from her beef curtain as she trails white slug gravy across the carpet while stuffing Philly cheezsteak up inside her glistening cunt, blasting a pussy belch out by her shiny little anus button AND she sucks as an actress. Her stuck-up, narcissistic bitch self JUMPS off the screen like Avatar 3D. If you experienced her brutal ass-raping on the audience when she received awards for her performance in BROWN SWAN… Then you know the agony. Her performance was simply cheap-horror-film-fear. One note through out the film. If you’ve ever seen a cheap horror film you will recall a scene where a teenage girl desperately tries to run away from the monster, looking back with a gasp…… Well THAT’S essentially PORTMAN’S performance in BROWNY SWAN – Tense – Freaked – Neurotic – In Leotard. 122,000 frames it. I wish I could say that was THEORY or an OPINION or is something SUBJECTIVE — unfortunately folks it’s pure — FACT — You may not understand it now but believe me you will in ten years when you look back.
    I would advise NOT to leave an actress like her in a paper bag by herself expecting her to figure out how to act her way out of it.’

  42. Ken Keasy

    well she certainly sucks as an actress.

  43. Pete Kerl

    I had heard Portman really stank up her last fim with her acting– Basically puckering up her ass button and belting Ass-Farts in the acting world as usual. That she did the old Slurpy-squirt from her little Diva-Vaj until the movie became solid CUNT. She has a sort of ‘Shit-for-Brains’ style of acting.

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