The 2012 MTV Movie Awards

June 4th, 2012 // 223 Comments

It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:

1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.

2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.

3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.

4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.

5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.

6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)

7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)

8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.

 

Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Frugal Gourmet
    Commented on this photo:

    Flawless.

  2. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Lunch
    Commented on this photo:

    She grew up in the 80′s, people.

  3. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    AAPL made me rich!
    Commented on this photo:

    Zorg.

  4. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    They won the gold medal in “Synchronized Bitchiness.”

  5. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    r,
    Commented on this photo:

    did she set off his spidey senses?

  6. Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Who the fuck dressed this guy?

  7. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Suge Knight really did a number on his ass, apparently….

  8. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    r,
    Commented on this photo:

    damn, i didn’t know she was still alive. tragic news.

  9. Matthew McConaughey Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ll fuck you up, Betty White! Hold me back, bro.”

  10. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Dick Hell
    Commented on this photo:

    Carl Spackler is a a fireman now?

  11. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Myslinky
    Commented on this photo:

    The temptation of smacking the little twilight twit with the spray painted gold popcorn is all to apparent on this ones face .

  12. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    John
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks really young here.

  13. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Crabby Old Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    Yummy.

  14. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Too bad she couldn’t win puberty.

  15. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope whoever did that to her hair was suitably punished.

  16. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like they put the big words in the teleprompter by mistake.

  17. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    John
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn those brow bones are Cro-Magnon sized! Get that shit shaved down!

  18. Paris Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    EricLr
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s playing count the crabs.

  19. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    sassy
    Commented on this photo:

    I say this as a completely heterosexual woman: damn! How about more of her and less Kardashians? She’s stylish, gorgeous and doesn’t need airbrushing. I see this as a win/win situation for everyone.

  20. Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    John
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs to swap hairstyles with Christina Ricci.

  21. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Schmidtler
    Commented on this photo:

    I want to touch the heiney!

  22. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice attempt at the Goth toddler style.

  23. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    That smile is so fake it’s hurting MY face

  24. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Yummy!

  25. Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster MTV Movie Awards 2012
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope that golden popcorn is softer than it looks, or else K-Stew is going to have trouble sitting down for a while.

  26. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like a get together at the home!

  27. Christina Ricci MTV Movie Awards 2012
    The Most Interesting
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that a nipple tat?

  28. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    Wasn’t his 15 minutes up like 18 years ago?!

  29. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    No talent times two.

  30. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s fabulous.

  31. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh look, it’s the little boy from panic room.

  32. Kate Beckinsale MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    She gets hotter all the time.

  33. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    How in the hell are these two still making appearances anywhere? If this is any indication of how long we’re going to have to be exposed to the Kardashians I’m afraid for all of us.

  34. Emma Stone Andrew Garfield MTV Movie Awards 2012
    TipTop
    Commented on this photo:

    Dude scared of his boner, Emma Stone causes that ya know. ;P

  35. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Mickey01232000
    Commented on this photo:

    Have you seen her without makeup? Like a totally different girl. Her brother probably looks better.

    • legaleagle

      Not so! I met her in New Orleans, hanging out with not a stitch of makeup. She’s way prettier in person, and without!

  36. Julianne Hough MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Julianne Rough more like it. I guess playing someone’s beard is taking it’s toll on her. In fairness to her (or not) I might not have thought that if I hadn’t just seen the perfection that is Kate Beckinsale last screen….

  37. Paris Hilton Nicky Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    “Like, whar do we stahnd?”

  38. Emma Watson MTV Movie Awards 2012
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    What a handsome little guy.

  39. Paris Hilton MTV Movie Awards 2012
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s always the risk of using too much eyelash glue.

  40. Vanilla Ice MTV Movie Awards 2012
    classic
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s still more talented than any white rapper after him. Eminem included.

  41. Kristen Stewart MTV Movie Awards 2012
    USDA Prime McBeef
    Commented on this photo:

    there she is and she’s back with that layer of filth and shame that she knows i like.

  42. Johnny Depp MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that an impersonator…wait a minute..Goddamn it Mayer! This is MY time! NOT FUNNY!

  43. Ciara MTV Movie Awards 2012
    eatme
    Commented on this photo:

    damn, i don’t even care that she’s a man…

  44. Johnny Depp Joe Perry Steven Tyler MTV Movie Awards 2012
    classic
    Commented on this photo:

    The unsustainable level of doucheness in that room…a new world record.

  45. Mila Kunis MTV Movie Awards 2012
    eatme
    Commented on this photo:

    …looking a little khloe kardashian

  46. Kate Beckinsale Jessica Biel MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    “We secretly replaced Jessica Biel with a 12 year old girl and put her next to an attractive woman of legal age…let’s see if the pedophiles notice.”

  47. Matthew McConaughey Joe Manganiello Elizabeth Banks Channing Tatum MTV Movie Awards 2012
    classic
    Commented on this photo:

    Wannabes 4 – 0 Talent

  48. Charlize Theron MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    There are times when I feel sorry for celebs…this one of them. We all know that her ass isn’t as long as her calves.

  49. Mila Kunis Mark Wahlberg MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    So awesome!

  50. Joe Manganiello MTV Movie Awards 2012
    Commented on this photo:

    Dude behind the clapping girl just went gay.

Leave A Comment