It seems like only yesterday we were going, “Let me guess, Twilight won everything,” yet somehow another MTV Movie Awards was upon us where, per usual, nothing of significance happened as non-eventfully as possible, so let’s talk about that stuff so we can get back to the very important business of calling people fat on the Internet:
1. Twilight won everything except for the times when Hunger Games did. What an unpredictable twist of events that was. Hilariously, Jennifer Lawrence didn’t even bother to show up while a Robert Pattinson-less Kristen Stewart somehow realized through a fog of bong resin that she’s the only sucker who gets forced to show up to these things year-after-year. Then Jodie Foster eye-fucked her.
2. Christina Ricci looked awesome for someone who wasn’t even nominated and I’m almost positive didn’t even present an award. Good for her.
3. Johnny Depp received the MTV Generation Award presumably under the condition that if he showed up, he only had to mumble a few words and could just play guitar with the Black Keys the rest of the time while Steven Tyler and Joe Perry attempted to read.
4. Elizabeth Banks literally humped the cast of Magic Mike while Joe Manganiello stood around pretending things were his erect penis. Your mom bought two tickets.
5. Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender embarrassed themselves.
6. Emma Stone got some award for something. (Demonstrating how hot Lindsay Lohan would look if raised by normal parents? Who knows?)
7. Mila Kunis. (Probably should’ve put this higher.)
8. This Dark Knight Rises clip introduced by a somber Christian Bale who cried after seeing Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight – Christopher Nolan and Bale have been adamant not even mentioning The Joker in TDKR. – while Joseph Gordon-Levitt inexplicably acted like they were presenting a clip from Battleship 2: Motherfuckin’ Parcheesi, Dawg!.
Can I borrow that axe for a minute, Joe Manganiello? I need to fully convey what’s happening in my pants and this Subway sub isn’t cutting it/makes me want to take a bite out of the end which sends the wrong message.
Photos: Getty
Flawless.
She grew up in the 80′s, people.
She’s only 22… so no, she’s a 90′s kid.
You catch on quick
Hmm…. Incorrect logic. I’m 22, and was born in 89′
Hmmm, so your logic means you grew up in the 80s, then?!?
Zorg.
They won the gold medal in “Synchronized Bitchiness.”
did she set off his spidey senses?
Who the fuck dressed this guy?
Suge Knight really did a number on his ass, apparently….
damn, i didn’t know she was still alive. tragic news.
“I’ll fuck you up, Betty White! Hold me back, bro.”
Carl Spackler is a a fireman now?
The temptation of smacking the little twilight twit with the spray painted gold popcorn is all to apparent on this ones face .
She looks really young here.
Yummy.
Too bad she couldn’t win puberty.
I hope whoever did that to her hair was suitably punished.
Do not fret, my dear. ‘Tis a mere wig.
Looks like they put the big words in the teleprompter by mistake.
Damn those brow bones are Cro-Magnon sized! Get that shit shaved down!
She’s playing count the crabs.
I say this as a completely heterosexual woman: damn! How about more of her and less Kardashians? She’s stylish, gorgeous and doesn’t need airbrushing. I see this as a win/win situation for everyone.
She needs to swap hairstyles with Christina Ricci.
I want to touch the heiney!
Nice attempt at the Goth toddler style.
That smile is so fake it’s hurting MY face
Yummy!
I hope that golden popcorn is softer than it looks, or else K-Stew is going to have trouble sitting down for a while.
Looks like a get together at the home!
Is that a nipple tat?
Worst pickup line ever.
Wasn’t his 15 minutes up like 18 years ago?!
No talent times two.
She’s fabulous.
Oh look, it’s the little boy from panic room.
She gets hotter all the time.
How in the hell are these two still making appearances anywhere? If this is any indication of how long we’re going to have to be exposed to the Kardashians I’m afraid for all of us.
Uh, like she’s a DJ now. Duh!
Oh. Right. :|
No sparky. I think she’s just fucking a DJ.
Dude scared of his boner, Emma Stone causes that ya know. ;P
Have you seen her without makeup? Like a totally different girl. Her brother probably looks better.
Not so! I met her in New Orleans, hanging out with not a stitch of makeup. She’s way prettier in person, and without!
Julianne Rough more like it. I guess playing someone’s beard is taking it’s toll on her. In fairness to her (or not) I might not have thought that if I hadn’t just seen the perfection that is Kate Beckinsale last screen….
“Like, whar do we stahnd?”
Lol
Ha!
What a handsome little guy.
There’s always the risk of using too much eyelash glue.
He’s still more talented than any white rapper after him. Eminem included.
That’s like saying “this is the best water I’ve had since that other water”
there she is and she’s back with that layer of filth and shame that she knows i like.
Is that an impersonator…wait a minute..Goddamn it Mayer! This is MY time! NOT FUNNY!
damn, i don’t even care that she’s a man…
The unsustainable level of doucheness in that room…a new world record.
the hell you say…. more like mindblowing, age defying hotness [and that's just Joe]
…looking a little khloe kardashian
…And neither girl would piss on you if you were on fire. So I guess they do have a few things in common.
“We secretly replaced Jessica Biel with a 12 year old girl and put her next to an attractive woman of legal age…let’s see if the pedophiles notice.”
Wannabes 4 – 0 Talent
There are times when I feel sorry for celebs…this one of them. We all know that her ass isn’t as long as her calves.
I was just about to mention that she might be succumbing to older woman long ass syndrome. What a shame.
So awesome!
(Talkin’ about Eric’s comment)
Dude behind the clapping girl just went gay.
You mean straight men went to this event?