Moby dated Natalie Portman?! WTF?!

February 22nd, 2008 // 59 Comments

If I collapse in the middle of this post, it’s because I’m so chock full of nerd rage I’m ready to start opening action figures thus lowering their collectible value. I’m seriously that pissed. It’s kind of scary. Apparently Moby dated Natalie Portman a while back making him the target of my fellow geek’s hatred. Page Six reports:

“I guess in some people’s eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy – and, as a nerd, I’m certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie, it’s made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath,” the techno-whiz tells next month’s Spin. “You don’t date Luke Skywalker’s mom and not have them hate your guts.”

First off, the prequels suck, so die and burn in hell for mentioning them. Second, I get chicks way hotter than Natalie Portman all the time. Okay, maybe not as hot – and they’re missing a couple limbs. But those ladies are dynamite in the sack. Or so they tell me before stealing my wallet. So, yeah, Moby, in your face!

Photo: Getty Images
superficial

  1. Mike

    eh, so did Jimbo.

  2. Conscience_Found

    100th

  3. Jimmy Beam

    I’d so give my left nut to do her.

  4. 28inch

    so overrated, she always looks so bored and has the same expression on her face

  5. tommygun

    Moby has a cock?

  6. gits

    She’s tiny and dry, so Moby’s wee flacid peenie was perfect for the job.

  7. Riddle me this:

    - Christina Aguilera’s Husband
    - Zac Braff
    - Moby
    - the dude that nailed alessandra
    - cash warren (ok…his name is cash…so that’s a pass)

    explain all of that!!!

  8. oh yeah…and marc anthony…

  9. panties

    “If I collapse in the middle of this post, it’s because I’m so chock full of nerd rage I’m ready to start opening action figures thus lowering their collectible value.”

    Since I am a girl I’ve never had an action figure in my life but, THAT was fucking hilarious.

    ..Wait, barbies aren’t action figures are they? I mean my barbies did get a lot of action, since whenver my Mom wasn’t looking I would always take their clothes off and have them dru hump and make out with Ken. That’s totally normal kid behaviour, right?

    #5. Nope, that’s why it was a brief affair.

  10. I thought he was a homo??

  11. RENEE...

    Moby??? I thought he was a pole smoker??? Or maybe he’s just bi???

  12. D. Richards (Aghast.)

    Holy fucking shit Natalie Portman has no taste! Moby?! Moby?! Moby?!

    The guy’s translucent, and most likely has a candy-corn sized cock — what gives?!

    I’m honestly stunned.

  13. D. Richards

    #10! Ha-Ha!

  14. Nita

    #9 Ken was a homo….you had him living a lie..shameful

  15. Racer X

    Moby? What is this 1998?

    /as for Natalie she’s waay overrated as an actress
    //awful in Star Wars

  16. Racer X

    Moby? What is this 1998?

    /as for Natalie she’s waay overrated as an actress
    //awful in Star Wars

  17. C. Commander

    Guys – it’s really simple – Natalie Portman is a vegan, so is Moby. She probably can’t stand the thought of having sex/kissing a carnivore. If NP knew any better looking, much more studly vegans, (i.e. me) then she would go for them (me).

    Btw Moby also owns a vegan restaurant in the village called Teany – I’m sure she was turned on by that too…

  18. OW

    18- you know FAR too much about them..

  19. I'm Yer Daddy

    #7. First of all the female mind is a massive torturous maze and if you ever get to the end of it all you’ll find is a pile of Cosmos. While with men the mind is a straight road that leads to a sign that says “WANTED: Sex and Food”.

    Christina is a hideous squinty eyed, bad skinned, pancake makeup wearing, big nosed, bowlegged, short, strange boddied, tranny looking skank. So actually her market value is extremely low.

    Girls seem to like Zach Braff’s pseudo sensitive nice guy douchiness. They looooove his dorky unthreatening Scrubs persona, even though he’s nothing like that in real life. Also they find his quirky looks cute( throws up in mouth). This info has been related to me by many hot girls at work when I posed the same question. Sad but true.

    I am guessing that Alessandra is not the sharpest tool in the shed even though her protruding bones could slice metal( Adriana is better, just as lean but not bony and Alessandra has revolting nobby knees and huge bony feet). Something about Alessandra suggests she doesn’t have the skills to make intelligent descisions, some may call that something being functionally retarded. They may be hot but, modeling is the fucking most brainlesss job imaginable ( I think over the years their brains actually die). Plus that short douchy guy probably worships her (may also be a billionaire) and bonus there is no threat that other hot VS models or celebs would try to steel him to prove their hotness superiority. My sister told me that girls often hit on hot girls boyfriends to prove they are hotter.

  20. havoc

    Moby is to much of a pussy to even be a nerd.

    .

  21. panties

    #15. So true. Whenever I went to play with my Barbie’s my two Kens were always naked and on top of each other, as if by magic, gay magic (that makes fairy’s fly and rainbows appear). Also I named my Ken’s Tom and John (as in Cruise and Travolta, because I didn’t like the name Ken). Even at that young age I was a real visionary.

  22. whackjob

    There’s no joy in dating (fucking) smart pretty girls. They’ve always got something to say, won’t STFU and seldom give head like they mean it. Conversely, hot, dumb and insecure girls believe what you tell them and work hard to keep you around.

    Vegans? Christ, might as well date a scientologist. Oh, speaking of which, TC(S)LTC.

  23. robert doosh

    I’d imagine she’d be as boring in the sack as she is on the screen.

  24. ella

    ok, true story …
    my ex used to point at every short skinny bald guy and be like, “look, it’s Moby!” then one time we were walking in NYC through Lincoln Center, and again “look, it’s Moby!” i laughed hard, more just to humor my ex, but just as i laughed, i looked up and Moby was right in front of me. i accidentally laughed straight in his face, after he heard my ex go “look it’s moby”. he looked a little hurt. i wonder if this scenario is common for Moby ….
    anyway just wanted to share

  25. I’d like Moby to watch me

    rub rub rub one out

    rub rub rub one out

  26. Gerald_Tarrant

    Like #21 said, Moby is the kid that made nerds feel better about themselves. When even the nerds don’t like you, suicide, or learn to spin records.

    Moby is a waste of life so is Natalie Portman. I’d just as soon bone a corpse.

    Natalie liked Moby because blowing him didn’t constitute eating meat because his dick is too small.

  27. Les Nessman

    So what, I’ve had Natalie. She’s likes the kosher cock.

  28. Nobody listens to techno!!

  29. Auntie Kryst

    Moby’s a sly mofo. He played up that sensitive nerdy vegan character perfectly. I guarantee Moby keeps an apartment with a fridge stocked with Bud Light, a freezer full of deer meat steaks, X-Box attached to his 50″ LCD, and has beer posters of chicks all over the walls.

    Rawk on dude man Mobes!

  30. panties

    #23. LOL even as a girl I have to admit that is hilarious and sadly true. Unless you find a girl who is super hot, funny and a nympho… if she won’t shut the fuck up about things that actually are intresting/funny (ie you magicaly find someone who has the same intrests and sense of humour as you, basically a guy in a hot girls body) then you marry her. That’s my romantic story.

    But there aren’t many of those around hence the high divorce rate. On the other side of it there are few guys patient enough to really tolerate women and all their feelings talk and love of shoes and shit. That’s why most girls need a gay friend.

    But these brainless, insecure, hot girl you speak of (found by the buttload at Hooters) need to be changed pretty regularly (like a lightbulb or for the highly commitment-free like underwear) as eventually no matter how hot, the vapidness starts to make them repulsive.

    I would know all this because before my husband I got bored of men and decided to go for women for a while. Of course the hot bimbo’s with big pillowy boobs were my first choice (smart cute girls made me feel too lezboee and they always wanted to actually talk about hemp and vegan shit). But the trouble with the hot ones was they were stupid as fuck and when a girl laughs at things that aren’t jokes, no matter how hot, it’s just not tolerable.

  31. Despite his fey image, Ol’ Lightbulb-Head manages to combine the arrogant condescension of the militant vegan with the arrogant condescension of the serial womanizer. Also, he is a talentless cunt.

  32. Rat

    Whats a moby?

  33. SpotsBeforeMyEyes

    @26 merrily merrily merrily rub one out…

    (Next person begin)

  34. Ript1&0

    Ugg. My exboyfriend was one of those gamer nerds. Star Wars, D&D, the works. Ladies: it might seem hot (I’m not really sure why now), but I can assure you, the reality is not pretty. You’ve been warned!

  35. Barkingrex

    Dude!!!! Don’t open the packages! You will never be able to sell them on eBay.

  36. Trover

    I think they met via the Semetic Mother’s Hook-Up Union. Pretty active network of Jewish mom’s trying to get their kids to raise a righteous seed. Sadly, Moby was more Nerd than Moby “Dick”, if ya know what I mean.

  37. Mr V

    Why is this news? This is really old news. It happened soon after he released Play and exploded into popular consciousness and Play came out what? 1999? It was kinda odd because she had just turned 18/19 years old and Moby was in his mid-30s.

    I look forward to being that lucky.

  38. Alexandra

    Will Hollywood PLEASE ADMIT that Portman and Knightly are a weird cloning experiement! They look THE SAME and it’s WEIRD! How identical they are is so IN YOUR FACE – yet it’s OBVIOUSLY not talked about. WHY????????
    They even play the SAME TYPES OF ROLES! Someone out there PLEASE address this issue.

    Anyways will someone please put Scarlett in a different dress. I hate when stylists are paid off to make someone look bad so that someone else can look good for probably the first time in their life….instead of like an alien hybrid as usual.

    Yea, I said it.

  39. scooby

    that’s some fine kosher meat there.

  40. jen

    K, did Natalie get a nose job?

  41. personally, I’m just distracted by her awesome dress. Why are we supposed to care whether Moby dated her, again? And does her being Anakin’s mom make her a milf?

  42. Natalie's gorgeous

    She’s incredibly pretty and surprisingly, very UNDERRATED.

    However, Scarlett Johansson on the other hand, is one hell of an ugly OVERRATED chick. Oh I forgot, her boobs are larger than average, that’s all she’s got going for herself. She’s plain ugly.

  43. lulu

    uh, is Moby supposed to be somebody famous? Who the hell is that and why should I care who he is?

  44. Lexoka

    Now I guess I’m just gonna have to kill him…

  45. anbmee

    she is gorgeous.I have seen her photo on a celebrity and millionaire dating site named ” Searching Millionaire dot com”.. Many men winked at her there.

  46. Bill Dauterive

    Who’s Moby????

  47. Lucas

    I kinda wish people would stop trying to sell me N. Portman as hot. Homegirl is plain.

  48. Dudarino

    Ugliest smile of any movie star…

  49. faggot fuck

    Nice nose job Nat! I’d like to stab mobi in the throat.

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