Michael Lohan Wants You To Think He Has Suge Knight On Speed Dial

September 18th, 2012 // 23 Comments
How That Jewel Theft Ended
Lindsay Lohan Bikini
Surprise! No One's Pressing Charges Read More »

“Alright, shirt, it’s only a matter of time until I find your vagina and kick it. Now where’s the trigger? WHERE IS IT?!”

Despite the fact everyone knows the Lindsay Lohan jewel theft fiasco ended because she blew the victim so hard his mind melted, her dad is trying to tell people it’s because he called up Suge Knight, whose son Lindsay accused of the crime by the way, and cleared the whole thing up like a good parent unlike his drunk whore of an ex-wife. Via Zap2it:

I kind of broke that case,” he tells Zap2it. “I spoke to the owner of the house myself and I cleared it up. He told me nothing was stolen. And then one thing led to another with Suge Knight’s son. I called Suge Knight up and I said ‘What’s going on here?’ And he said ‘My son had nothing to do with it and from what I understand neither did your daughter.’”
Lohan says he’s disappointed at how quickly that story spread, even though his daughter was innocent.

Really? I had no idea innocent means guilty as fuck but then again I forgot the Lohans have their own special dialect. For example, whenever they say Lindsay’s “cast in a movie,” it roughly translates to, “You notice how you never see Ali anymore? We sold her to a movie exec to be used as a sex slave. Ali’s a sex slave now.” It’s a romantic language.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN


  1. He’s the lowest scum on the planet. I wish he would kick Gwenyth Paltrow in the cunt in front of her kids.

  2. dude

    if only someone had exploded his nuts in high school with a well placed snap kick. The world would be a different place, son, the world would be a different place.

  3. barack barry

    this BS artist is no friggin good.
    we see through your web of lies douche

  4. USDA Prime McBeef

    Suge and Michael Lohan should hang out more. And somebody should unload a large caliber handgun into the passenger seat of Suge’s car again.

  5. Dick Hell

    Apparently Michael’s lawyer instructed him not to spar with real women anymore.

  6. JC

    If someone paid cash for Ali, they made a very, very bad deal.

  7. argleblargle

    Dude needs a fashion makeover, but I can’t figure out what he could wear that he wouldn’t somehow find a way to make look douchey.

  8. The Grammar Police

    Fish, still love ya but your editing sucks this week. It’s “holed” – not “hold” in ths sense. Sheesh.

  9. The entire Lohan clan should thank Golly that lying about shit isn’t a contact sport. Otherwise they’d all be suffering from Traumatic Brain Injury.
    Hmmmm…now wait just a darned minute…maybe I’m on to something…

  10. Jaariel

    LOL: Gonna find your vagina, shirt, then I’m gonna kick it!
    You literally had me LOLing on that one
    Not ROFLMAO, but close

  11. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she didn’t blow this guy or else he would’ve taken the fall for her, like the guy who protected her when she accused Suge Knight’s son of stealing jewelry from that party (iirc).

  12. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Really now, you just can’t get good help nowadays.

  13. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously, who does take a job as Lindsay’s assistant without expecting to have to take the fall on a few felonies, or dive in front of a couple of ejaculating penises because Lindsay doesn’t like it when it gets in her hair.

  14. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    What the hell happened to her face?
    Did you guys photoshop or morph something here?

  15. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice double chin, whore.

  16. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Dur…where am I going?

  17. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Val Kilmer is looking pretty girly these days.

  18. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    The guy was all set to take her picture. Then he saw her and remained frozen, riveted by her undulating jaw line.

Leave A Comment