Michael Lohan Wants You To Think He Has Suge Knight On Speed Dial

“Alright, shirt, it’s only a matter of time until I find your vagina and kick it. Now where’s the trigger? WHERE IS IT?!”

Despite the fact everyone knows the Lindsay Lohan jewel theft fiasco ended because she blew the victim so hard his mind melted, her dad is trying to tell people it’s because he called up Suge Knight, whose son Lindsay accused of the crime by the way, and cleared the whole thing up like a good parent unlike his drunk whore of an ex-wife. Via Zap2it:

I kind of broke that case,” he tells Zap2it. “I spoke to the owner of the house myself and I cleared it up. He told me nothing was stolen. And then one thing led to another with Suge Knight’s son. I called Suge Knight up and I said ‘What’s going on here?’ And he said ‘My son had nothing to do with it and from what I understand neither did your daughter.'”
Lohan says he’s disappointed at how quickly that story spread, even though his daughter was innocent.

Really? I had no idea innocent means guilty as fuck but then again I forgot the Lohans have their own special dialect. For example, whenever they say Lindsay’s “cast in a movie,” it roughly translates to, “You notice how you never see Ali anymore? We sold her to a movie exec to be used as a sex slave. Ali’s a sex slave now.” It’s a romantic language.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN