Michael Fassbender Is Assassin’s Creed.. Person

The Superficial / July 9, 2012

Despite being an undersexed recluse who geeks out over seeing Spider-Man finally played by a rail-thin waif boy, I’ve surprisingly never played any of the Assassin’s Creed games. So based on Ubisoft casting Michael Fassbender for the upcoming movie, I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s about an Irish dude who harpoons people to death with his gigantic penis and immediately purchase the entire series. (Hold my calls.) Variety reports:

“Michael Fassbender was our first choice” to play the franchise’s iconic hooded hero, said Jean-Julien Baronnet, CEO of Paris-based Ubisoft Motion Pictures. “Michael (Fassbender) is an extremely smart, talented, versatile and committed actor.”
Last fall, Ubisoft was in talks with Sony to develop a series of “Assassin’s” pics (Daily Variety, Oct. 20, 2011). But the companies have since put negotiations on hold.
Ubisoft execs now plan to stick to their initial plan and develop the film independently in order to maintain greater creative control.

By controlling more of the creative through UMP, Ubisoft hopes it doesn’t wind up with another “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time,” adapted by Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer.

I was about to make a quip about Michael Fassbender starring in everything now, but then I realized I don’t want to piss off all the ladies reading the site and hear, “I don’t care”; “Whatever”; “If that’s what you want to do,” in response to every single question. The Bush Administration wouldn’t even subject terrorists to that.

CIA: This is Molly. She wants to go to the mall and knows you’ll take her if she just asks, but instead she’s going to spend an entire afternoon passive-aggressively acting like she doesn’t until you convincingly act like you really want to go to even though it’s obvious you don’t-
TERRORIST: The mountains! The nukes are in the mountains! Dear Allah, you people have no souls.

Photos: Getty