Catherine Zeta-Jones’ Vagina Gave Michael Douglas Throat Cancer

June 3rd, 2013 // 58 Comments
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Note to Self: Give Photo Boy a raise.

So if you haven’t heard by now, people stick their tongues in vaginas which I honestly thought was something I made up to make fun of Kristen Stewart with so now I really don’t know how these things work Michael Douglas just made every single man think twice about cunnilingus because, surprise, it will give you throat cancer! Even more surprising, I’m presenting this information like it will stop a man from doing anything in his power to have sex. The Guardian reports:

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Of course, a reasonable reaction to this information would be, “Ha! That Mike Douglas. Such a kidder.” Except he’s not kidding but did pull the cure part out of his butt. Although, in his defense, I like to think of vaginas as homeopathic medicine, too, but trying getting a doctor to prescribe one of those without notifying your HMO. And the police:

Mahesh Kumar, a consultant head and neck surgeon in London, confirmed that the last decade has seen a dramatic rise in this form of cancer, particularly among younger sufferers. Recent studies of 1,316 patients with oral cancer found that 57% of them were HPV-16 positive.
“It has been established beyond reasonable doubt that the HPV type 16 is the causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer,” said Kumar, who also testified to increased recovery rates among this kind of cancer sufferer. This would help explain why Douglas was given an 80% chance of survival, despite the advanced stage of his illness.
But Kumar expressed scepticism that Douglas’s cancer was caused solely by HPV, and surprise at Douglas’s assertion that cunnilingus could also help cure the condition. “Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”

Wait, wait, wait. There’s an 80% survival rate? Pfft. *crumples up post, throws it over shoulder* Which one of you ladies wants the entrance to your birth canal consumed like a Mexican dish consisting of meat and cheese inside a tortilla shell? (Nailed it.) I ain’t scurred.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Artimus

    In the name of science, I’m going to offer my services. I’ll go down on her for one hour per day for an entire year, just to see if I get cancer.

  2. Notice how, this headline notwithstanding, he never said he got it from Catherine Zeta-Jones. Didn’t he go down on Sharon Stone in the uncut version of Basic Instinct?

    • FattyFatty2X4

      uncut version??
      The version I saw Michael had been “cut”
      You must have seen the Japanese bootleg.

    • Kodos

      Demi Moore (Disclosure) and Glenn Close (Fatal Attraction) must also be included on the list of suspects.. those pesky HPV get everywhere!

  3. alex

    So she’s had so much plastic surgery that she looks perpetually photo-shopped. No thanks. And gross.

  4. 69-ing as modern-day cure-all? Now I can finally start wearing my “I’m not a doctor, but I’ll take a look” t-shirt.

  5. Cock Dr

    Get your boys and girls vaccinated. We have the technology.
    http://www.cdc.gov/hpv/vaccine.html

    • Remember the total freak-out over making it mandatory to have teenage girls vaccinated against HPV to protect them from cervical cancer? Sure you do, it was led by idiots like Michelle Bachman who claimed it would make them “mentally retarded” and seconded by every head-in-the-sand abstinence-embracing mother who knew her pure little daughter would never, ever, be sexually active until her wedding night (to a male virgin, natch).

      Part of the compelling argument for vaccination is that so many girls don’t consider oral as “real sex” and that meant they were also at risk for HPV-based throat cancer. That was two fucking years ago, but naturally it takes Michael Douglas getting cancer before anyone gives a shit. Yet with all this disclosure of cunnilingal prowess peppered with really bad medical advice, I somehow missed the part where Douglass stopped playing the victim here and ‘fessed up to the role his dick probably played in being an HPV carrier for at least a year or two. Given that sexual addiction track record and the fact that most guys are asymptomatic for many strains of HPV, you know the odds are pretty good.

      Funny how no one’s concerned with whether he gave Zeta-Jones – or anyone else – a Stage 4 sore throat, huh?

      • Pike

        Baby Jesus doesn’t like vaccines. He also doesn’t like eating pussy. So, he created this punishment to kill his creatures he hates.

      • I don’t care about all the political / religious / philosophical bullshit – HPV is a disease that can result in death, it’s preventable, we have a vaccine that’s nearly 100% effective – everybody can shut their stupid yaps and line up for the vaccine, or be tossed in an internment camp for people too stupid to roam free with the rest of us.

      • Schwizzle

        This. I love this. I remember reading about mothers worried that vaccinations would make their daughters promiscuous knowing that they were vaccinated and couldn’t or probably wouldn’t get HPV. Unbelievable.

      • Yeah, it’s really far better to let your daughter be at risk for getting cervical or throat cancer than to appear to condone premarital sex. If you ask me, all that “mental retardation” that Michelle Bachman swore would result from the vaccine already found a home.

  6. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Smapdi
    Commented on this photo:

    “Who are you kidding, boys? Back in my Zorro movie days, even if going down on me caused leprosy and the plague, you know you’d still have jumped in there like it was your last meal. Which, coincidentally . . .”

  7. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Smapdi
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hello, dancer boy! You’ve had the HPV vaccine, right?”
    “What?”

  8. grobpilot

    He should have quit going down on those Mexican smoking vagina hookers in Tijuana while he was ahead

  9. Josephus

    “The throat cancer is a bitch, but you should see my dick.”

  10. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    caley
    Commented on this photo:

    “Yes, the vagina, or as I like to call it “The Death Trap”. V-A-G-I-N-A. It’s right in that area or so I’m told.”

  11. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    caley
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the before photo.

    At the after party, that dancer looked like this.

    http://a2.img.mobypicture.com/765a2c6c4c9b424fb00487130004d629_view.jpg

  12. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    caley
    Commented on this photo:

    “Are you Rupert Sanders? I’ve got some bad news for you. Remember that monkey from ‘Outbreak’…”

  13. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    rican
    Commented on this photo:

    What version of Karate Kid is this one?

  14. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Even knowing that going down on her would give you throat cancer, most people would still dive face first into her pussy. I know I would.

  15. Well, based on this news, I’m going to schedule myself in for a preventative glossectomy and draft my letter to he New York Post.

  16. Taylor Swift's Tampon String

    He should have just eaten her ass.

  17. Natty Ice

    “Nasty little thing, giving me throat cancer and all. Watch! I bet it will try to bite my fingers off next!”

  18. Hung Well

    “The point is, ladies and gentleman, that Pussy, for lack of a better word, is good. Pussy is right, Pussy works. Pussy clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Pussy, in all of its forms; Pussy for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And Pussy, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.” -Gordon Gekko in the movie Wall Street

  19. I wonder if Catherine Zeta Jones was more scared of that grinning skull going down on her than he getting throat cancer due to HPV.

  20. and in other news, Catherine Zeta-Jones, the beloved wife of Michael Douglas and the owner of the famed cancer causing vagina, once again has checked into a 30 day program for treatment related to her Bipolar disorder.

  21. Hedgehog

    spit, don’t swallow!

  22. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    sparky
    Commented on this photo:

    Michael: “Her she-devil did this to me”
    Background Lady: “Huh, I knew it”
    Catherine: “Bitch, what’d you say? Don’t make me come over there”

  23. YTBOY

    Wait a minute. Is Micheal saying that Zeta has a bad cooch and he caught some STD???

  24. So it turns out one can get throat cancer from eating pussy? What next? Now they’ll come up with something stupid like eating too many hamburgers can clog up one’s arteries…HUH…??? Really? Well SHIT!

  25. “Here it is, ladies and gentlemen: Exhibit A.”

  26. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Going down on this woman can cause throat cancer? Hell, it’d be worth it!

  27. Boo

    It should be noted that the body can get rid of HPV, unless the patient smokes or has AIDS which makes the likelihood of it evolving towards cancer increase by a whole lot.

  28. On the bright side, her vagina’s cancer causing abilities just adds a viciously ironic dimension for Michael’s pet name for it, “The Love Canal.”

  29. What I’m wondering about now: when will we hear about her having cervical cancer? Though I’d imagine they’re looking out for that now.

  30. Ginger Rogers

    Not only does he have HPV, I’m pretty sure he has Alzheimers.

  31. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Fishballs
    Commented on this photo:

    “H.P.V. as in ‘Her Pussy’s Vicious’. Amiright Guys?”

  32. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    now i see the bipolar…

  33. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Little Tongue
    Commented on this photo:

    I totally believe him when he says that’s how he got it. I mean, I caught throat cancer by licking my own self. I’m real flexible.

  34. bulbous

    Catherine Zeta-Rotten-Crotch

  35. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    srsly. its the notorious cancer vag of hollywood.
    i know- who woulda guessed.
    crazy right?
    what- divorce?

  36. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    See, when I saw “Catherine Zeta-Jones is Single” I just assumed Michael Douglas finally died.

  37. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    NATTY ICE
    Commented on this photo:

    “Well, I didn’t want to do it this way, all public and embarrassing, but, I am leaving you. You know this would have ended so much simpler if you just would have died from the cancer I gave you.”

  38. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Sorry, babe. Maybe we should get throat cancer from other people now?

  39. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Evie
    Commented on this photo:

    She is from Whales. Not NYC. Bur who cares! She is a snatch face.

  40. gdl

    If Michael Douglas is saying HPV caused his throat cancer, definitively (can any doctor state a cancer’s cause definitively?), then.. is the implication that his wife was the source of the infection ? or another woman/women ?

    either way, Ms Zeta Jones may heartily (and understandably) disapprove of such megaphone-public discourse !

  41. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    About to unleash that cancer causing snatch on an unsuspecting audience. What a superpower to have.

  42. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    You’re gay? Damn you & your throat!

  43. Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 85th Annual Academy Awards
    Ripley's Believe It Or Not
    Commented on this photo:

    Let me guess – the song they’re dancing to is “Another One Bites The Dust”.

  44. larry

    Catherine Zeta Jones = DO NOT chow down
    Of course she will leave, he’s no fun any more

  45. Gord

    Hey Catherine, you need lessons in personal hygene.
    Aww man! that thing must be rotten

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