Catherine Zeta-Jones’ Vagina Gave Michael Douglas Throat Cancer

By: The Superficial / June 3, 2013

Note to Self: Give Photo Boy a raise.

So if you haven’t heard by now, people stick their tongues in vaginas which I honestly thought was something I made up to make fun of Kristen Stewart with so now I really don’t know how these things work Michael Douglas just made every single man think twice about cunnilingus because, surprise, it will give you throat cancer! Even more surprising, I’m presenting this information like it will stop a man from doing anything in his power to have sex. The Guardian reports:

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Of course, a reasonable reaction to this information would be, “Ha! That Mike Douglas. Such a kidder.” Except he’s not kidding but did pull the cure part out of his butt. Although, in his defense, I like to think of vaginas as homeopathic medicine, too, but trying getting a doctor to prescribe one of those without notifying your HMO. And the police:

Mahesh Kumar, a consultant head and neck surgeon in London, confirmed that the last decade has seen a dramatic rise in this form of cancer, particularly among younger sufferers. Recent studies of 1,316 patients with oral cancer found that 57% of them were HPV-16 positive.
“It has been established beyond reasonable doubt that the HPV type 16 is the causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer,” said Kumar, who also testified to increased recovery rates among this kind of cancer sufferer. This would help explain why Douglas was given an 80% chance of survival, despite the advanced stage of his illness.
But Kumar expressed scepticism that Douglas’s cancer was caused solely by HPV, and surprise at Douglas’s assertion that cunnilingus could also help cure the condition. “Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn’t make sense.”

Wait, wait, wait. There’s an 80% survival rate? Pfft. *crumples up post, throws it over shoulder* Which one of you ladies wants the entrance to your birth canal consumed like a Mexican dish consisting of meat and cheese inside a tortilla shell? (Nailed it.) I ain’t scurred.

Photos: Getty