Michael Bay: ‘I’m, Like, a True American’
(*Actual Quote)

June 28th, 2011 // 46 Comments

Yesterday, I posted a link to GQ’s oral history of Michael Bay which I honestly didn’t read and skipped right to the Rosie Huntington-Whitely part. Well, explode my cock with C4, was that a mistake. Last night I actually took the time to read this thing, and Jesus Christ, is it full of Bayisms like this little gem:

Brad Fuller (partner, Platinum Dunes, Bay’s film company): The first time I saw Michael on a bigger set, he was doing a video, and there was the hottest blonde girl I’ve ever seen in my life, and she’s got a wind machine on her. She’s dancing, she looks hot, she’s wearing a short skirt. He’s shooting her from a low angle. And he looked at a few of us, and there was this look in his eyes, like he had reached nirvana. It was childlike wonderment.

And then he made her wash his Ferrari in the desert.

Because there’s nothing I enjoy more than forcing people to read shit I liked, I included some more excerpts below because this piece is literally everything you’d hope an article on Michael Bay would be right down to him almost detonating the entire island of Hawaii while filming Pearl Harbor. Also, it proves my fake date rape quotes would’ve blended in seamlessly which might be the entire point of this post if I were a lesser man, swayed by vanity. *looks in mirror* “You wanna strap a bomb to me, I’d strap a bomb to me…”

On interning with Steven Spielberg:
Bay: I was 15. The first thing I ever said to Steven [Spielberg] was, “I really thought Raiders of the Lost Ark was going to suck.”

On earning Martin Lawrence’s respect:
Bay: By week two, Martin was being a dick to me. And I was like, “What is this attitude?” He didn’t trust the white man. That was the deal.
Lawrence: That’s exactly what it was. You know, Michael—he has a certain bravado. One time he said to me, “I need your notes on the script,” and I looked at him, I said: “Michael, yeah, I’ll get the notes to you when I get to it.” And he just looked at me with this blank stare like, “Oh, he did not.”
Bay: [Eventually] I took him aside and said, “Dude, what’s your deal? I’m busting my ass to make you look good, make you look funny. And you just keep belittling me.” And then here’s the speech, almost like it was ready to come out. He says, “I’m a black man that made it from nothing!” And I said, “You know what? I’m a white guy who made it from nothing, too. I grew up in the fuckin’ Valley.” Instant respect.

On Nicolas Cage:
Bay: One day I showed up on set and Cage came out for a scene in his apartment dressed in a purple Speedo. And I’m like, “Oh, I get it. Okay. You don’t want to wear the wardrobe because you want to show your muscles. OK, let’s just get it all out in the beginning of the movie.”

On Sean Connery:
Bay: He kept calling me “boy.” And one time he called me a “cock.” [In Connery accent] “You cocksucker!” It was his last day of the shoot, and he didn’t like holding his breath underwater. I had United States SEALs holding him down because there was a fireball going over the water, and if he came up, he would burn his face off. So whatever, he called me names.

On filming Armageddon:
Bay: I took a geology course with this tectonic expert at Wesleyan. He said, “Calamities happen; it’s the plumbers who will fix the world.” So Armageddon—that’s what it is, it’s everyday Joes saving the world.
Matt Cohan (Vice President, Bay Films): I’ve heard him describe Armageddon—at least structurally—as a comedy, in the tradition of the old Laurel and Hardy or Abbott and Costello fish-out-of-water comedies.
Bay: It’s supposed to be a joke. It’s about making fun of the system.
Billy Bob Thornton: I was sitting at the table read-through with Owen [Wilson] and Buscemi, and we were all sitting there kind of nervously. And Steve looks at me and goes, “What the fuck are we doing here?”

On filming Pearl Harbor:
Barry Waldman (producer, various Bay films): I think the studio tried to shut down the movie twice.
Dick Cook (former chairman, Disney): Michael was putting in twenty-hour days. And he was driving the crew and the performers and everybody crazy.
Waldman: We must have blown something up every day.
K. C. Hodenfield (first assistant director, various Bay films): We blew up hundreds of bombs, multiple ships out in the harbor. I had to shut down two interstates. I was like, Oh, my God—people are gonna think the Japanese are attacking again, ’cause we were gonna blow this place sky high.

On how Michael Bay dreams about blowing shit up:
Bay: Some nights I sleep like a baby. Other nights it’s, Oh God, I just came up with a bomb shot.

On how Michael Bay’s kind of a dick to work with:
Scarlett Johansson (actor, The Island): I ran into him leaving a party once and asked him if I could be the Easy-Bake Oven Transformer. He looked at me in all seriousness and said, “There isn’t one.”

Will Smith: One day he comes to our trailer and says, “Can you guys step out here for one second?” So we go, and he points up to the sky and says, “You see that big fucking orange thing? When that goes down, this scene’s over. So I don’t give a fuck what you say—just make sure you say it in my shot.”

Michael Clarke Duncan (actor, Armageddon): He’s like one of those Chihuahuas that’s always barking.

Kenny Bates (stunt coordinator, various Bay films): If he doesn’t eat, he just goes south. If you don’t get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in him, he has a meltdown around lunch hour.

Waldman: He said to me once, “You look familiar. Haven’t we met?” I told him I was second unit on Bad Boys, and he said, “Oh, I remember you. You sucked.”


Photo: Getty, Splash News


  1. Michael, for god’s sake… Hogan’s theme song goes “I am a Real American”, not “I’m like a True American.”

  2. DogBoy

    Michael Bay and James Cameron should have a Douche-off (Director’s Cut) to the death. Too close to call.

  3. Michael Bay GQ
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, he even looked like a 45 year old douche his senior year in high school.

  4. Donald Trump

    Michael Bay is the biggest CUNT in Hollywood. At least Cameron can make a decent movie, what’s Bay’s excuse?

    • Drew

      Micheal Bay knows he’s a cunt, there’s no need to act like you’re the first person to figure it out. I mean, I think the guy is a piece of shit for some of the demeaning things he does to women… but hey, he doesn’t put up with shit and I have to at least respect his backbone.

  5. Theproofisintheroughing

    A true American would capitalize on a Scarlett Johansson pass…Know that for sure.

  6. Shyt

    Well God knows the ultimate achievement in success in life is directing the hottest blonde girl ever in a degrading, sexist, demeaning way. Now, if he had been witnessed mid-penetration….

  7. Doc Schweinstrudel

    Tales From the Crytp. HA HA HA HAAA

  8. didnt really like any of his movies, but that pic of him cynically rubbing his hands together does him proud

  9. Doc Schweinstrudel

    True Americans like him have flooded Thailand resorts. It’s like they are all his doubles

  10. lol @ dante dumferno

    i bet this guy thinks he looks like a ken doll just like republican men tend to think they look like chiseled jon hamms when they really look like smug butt-ugly creeps. /date rapists. /subscribers to paid porn (*paid* LOL). is he republican? seems like he would be.

  11. Now we know why Spielberg had him fire Megan Fox for the Hitler comment. Bay is so much worse. I mean at least with Hitler, Spielberg was able to use him for comedic purposes in that book signing scene in The Last Crusade. Bay, no comedy.

  12. Theproofisintheroughing

    Damn, these chicks are slick with the lines, Bay never understood what she did there, till this day.

  13. Deacon Jones

    You mean this fucking asshole directed Armageddon AND Pearl Harbor???!!!

    Fuck me, do I hate this motherfucker even more!

    • cc

      Dang, you beat me by a nose with this post.

      The stench of crap must waft around this guy wherever he goes after the turds he’s dropped in movie theatres.

    • Typo

      And The Island. Don’t ever forget The Island.

    • Snooki Lover

      Um, yeah – he directed Armageddon AND Pearl Harbor AND The Rock AND Bad Boys AND Bad Boys 2 AND Transformers AND Transformers 2 AND Transformers 3.

      And he produced The Unborn and Horsemen. And he directed a Vanilla Ice music video. And he acted in Coyote Ugly.

      In short, if Michael Bay is anywhere near it, you’ve got yourself one fucked-up motherfuckin’ crapfest.

      • I agree but, unfortunately, people still go to his movies in droves and he makes bajillions for movie studios so unless people stop going to see Michael Bay movies, he’s going to continue to churn out shitty movie after shitty movie.

  14. Rose

    Anyone else get the feeling if this becomes public enough, the term “instant respect” is going to be used in a manner similar to and as common as “winning” was used a few months ago?

  15. Michael Bay GQ
    Commented on this photo:

    EHEHEHEHEH. Nubile, young actressessss.

  16. Michael Bay GQ
    Commented on this photo:

    What a narcissistic asshole, I was going to go see Transformer III but not now, I don’t want any of my $$$ going into this pinheads pockets. What a fucking jerk-wad! Hey Michelle, EAT SHIT!!

  17. This jackass needs a punch in the face to set him straight

  18. Mrs. Dillinger

    He makes me want to heavy.

  19. Venom

    Piece of shit pervert and a shit director.

  20. Jface

    Really? Every other post gets an angel-rape comment except for this one? Rosie Huntington-Whitely is a Victoria’s Secret model. I’m pretty sure Michael Bay is the only person in today’s posts who actually committed Angel rape.

  21. TomFrank

    I’m confused about something. Michael Bay said he was 15 when he told Spielberg that the thought Raiders of the Lost Ark was going to suck. But Bay was born in 1965, and Raiders came out in 1981…when Bay was 16.

    • Brooke

      He probably didn’t have Wikipedia or a calculator out in front of him when he made that comment. Because people, believe it or not, forget shit.

      • TomFrank

        Yeah, I expected someone to say that. But you know what? If I had my dream internship with the biggest director of his time, I’d remember every detail. Including how old I was at the time. I still say there’s a whiff of bullshit in that anecdote.

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      If he was born in say, Nov. or Dec., he would have been 14 in the summer of 1981.
      I was born in Dec. of 64 and I still have to calculate my age in any particular year.

  22. Brooke

    Michael Bay always looks like he’s being compressed on an old person’s TV, begging them to switch to a widescreen like the rest of the world already has.

  23. the one

    then he must hate tom cruise & his scientology movement?

  24. Michael Bay GQ
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder if explosions can explode? Man, I’m a genius!

  25. DKNY

    So who is this “hottest blonde girl I’ve ever seen in my life” mentioned in the beginning? Pics or it didn’t happen!

  26. TheAdmiral

    I am completely unsurprised to learn that he had to hire Navy SEALs to contain the raw power and fury of Sean Connery.

  27. Mark

    Is it possible that he’s one second away from being indicted on sexual assault and child molestation charges? Could he be the next Roman Polanski?

  28. Theproofisintheroughing

    Scarlett: Can I be the “easy” baked oven transformer Mike?

    Micheal: Oh, I don’t know, you didn’t sound nice at all

    Scarlett: Pretty please?

    Micheal: Well, Sound Wave needs somewhere to hide.

    Micheal: What is the earliest can you come audition in proper costume?

    Our forefathers would’ve been proud.

  29. mean tina

    this guy looks like the corvette-driving antagonist in 80′s movies.

  30. Michael Bay GQ
    Commented on this photo:

    He is what Bret Easton Ellis based all of his Hollywood characters on, like in Less than Zero and American Psycho.

  31. Tammie

    Michael Bay was dumb to replace Megan Fox. He was just mad because Megan Fox referred to him being a idot like Hitler. From the comments I read from other actors, she only said what they were thinking and he was a cry baby and fired her for it. If you can dish it out, you should be able to take it. T3 was a bunch of sorry crap. Like the first two, hated the third. Don’t blame Shia for jumping ship too. He sees it is a sinking bunch of crap.

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