Mel Gibson Is Making A Sequel To ‘The Passion Of The Christ’
“Are you there, sugar tits? It’s me, Mel Gibs.”
Now that he’s had a taste of that sweet, stupid easy Christian box office thanks to directing a movie about Jesus’s horse, Randall Wallace told The Hollywood Reporter that he’s working on a sequel to The Passion of the Christ with Mel Gibson despite the latter’s last attempt at collaborating on a religious film ending with him flying into a frothing blind rage and threatening to stab a woman to death while fucking her in the ass. What could go wrong?
Wallace, who most recently directed and co-wrote the 2014 faith-based drama Heaven Is for Real, says he and Gibson began to get serious about a sequel to The Passion, the most successful independent film of all time, while making Hacksaw Ridge, which Gibson directed and Wallace co-wrote. Hacksaw Ridge opens in November and centers on World War II Army medic Desmond Doss, the first conscientious objector to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Wallace was a religion major at Duke University and says the resurrection was a specialty of his. “I always wanted to tell this story,” he says. “The Passion is the beginning and there’s a lot more story to tell.”
Studio meeting, Hollywood.
“If it’s all the same to you, Randy, I’d like to handle the pitch. Alright, fellas, the movie opens with a couple of whores going to Jesus’ grave to try and blow him even more dead, or whatever those GODDAMN GYSPY WHORES were up to, but no one’s there. Which is incredible, right? Because did you see how much torture I put in that first movie? I’m hard just thinking about it. So we cut to Jesus working his way through a marketplace except it’s not Jim Cavaziel anymore. It’s me, right? Now the audience knows this is a Jesus who’s seen some shit and isn’t fucking around. So I start hacking through hook-nosed bastards left and right. Just tearing them limb from fucking limb while they try to hang onto gold coins because these motherfuckers killed me, right? They stabbed me, whipped me, sent whores to drain my FUCKING LOOKS and not even before they JACUZZI! I am fucking PISSED. So, anyway, New Murder Jesus meets with the disciples and tells the Jew ones to get the fuck out-“
“Alright, Mel, we’re gonna stop you there. This all sounds great, but audiences today are only interested in films that have a shared universe. So feel free to say no, but how you would feel about making this movie part of a larger franchise featuring – Which ones do we have again? – GoBots. Jesus and The GoBots.”
“Are any of them Jewish?”
“Sure, whatever. So me and these non-Jewish robots find this RUSSIAN WHORE who’s been the one secretly putting the Sheeny curse on Jesus the whole time. I’m talking she’s behind everything: the crucifixion, Jesus’ child support, running him out of Hollywood, you get the picture. So Jesus says, ‘Forgive me, father, for that ass knows not what I’m about to do,’ and he just starts GOING TO TOWN. Now, what are those things again?”
“Right. One of the GoBots yells, “STAB THAT GYPSY WHORE!” And Jesus is like, ‘Hey, pal, let’s not get carried away.’ Because, guys, at the end this is a tale about forgiveness. Anyway, thanks for your time.” *walks out of the room*
“… So that gun was totally loaded, right?”
“Why wasn’t he wearing pants?!”