So January Jones Will Probably Be The New Princess Leia. Goddammit…

November 6th, 2012 // 28 Comments
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“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re behind on your child support.”

For those of you wondering what the fuck is happening here, Matthew Vaughn is already rumored to be the director of Star Wars: Episode VII which is supposedly why he really bounced on X-Men: Days of Future Past and not to direct an adaptation of Mark Millar’s The Secret Service. And because I still believe he knocked up January Jones, that means she’s probably going to be the new Princess Leia which works out even more because she needs to get pregnant with Jedi twins in these things. It’s almost too easy… Collider reports:

Now you have to ask yourself, why would Vaughn abruptly drop out of helming the X-Men sequel when the head of 20th Century Fox (Tom Rothman) is leaving the studio? After all, while Rothman helped make some great movies over the past few years, he’s also known as a micro-manager that can rub some filmmakers the wrong way. With Rothman out, I imagine Vaughn would have had more creative control on the sequel and it would have been an easier film to make.
But if Lucasfilm offered Vaughn the keys to Star Wars, that’s something he’d likely jump ship for.

I’m completely onboard with this because Layer Cake, Stardust, Kick-Ass and X-Men: First Class were all awesome despite that last one having almost everything going against it. More importantly, there’s now an even greater chance of Jon Hamm being cast as Han Solo against January’s Leia which makes all that erotic fan-fiction I made Photo Boy transcribe over the years potential screenplays. Think “50 Shades of Grey” meets one of his testicles are the Death Star. *waits for Hollywood’s phone call, should be any second now*

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN


  1. Cock Dr

    “Jon Hamm being cast as Han Solo”
    Jon would probably look pretty good in tight brown pantaloons.

  2. January Jones Son Xander
    Commented on this photo:

    Gimme some of that on a bun.

  3. January Jones Son Xander
    Commented on this photo:

    “Did someone lose a fat baby? Come on guys, help me out – I’m too hot for this boner killer”.

  4. Wait…Stardust was awesome? STARDUST???

  5. YoMamma

    Hey Fish, does retainer spittle come out when you talk? That’s the way it reads…

  6. Deacon Jones

    If they want to do this right, the entire cast will be actors no one has ever heard of and they should almost completely eliminate CGI.

    That’s just me though, I’m of the old school opinion good movies are made by the acting and not explosions.

    • JC

      Since this is modern-era Star Wars, isn’t it required that all actors be huge names, who are then replaced almost completely by computer graphics?

  7. Inner Retard

    Vaughn has some big shoes to fill and clean up because Lucas crapped all over them. But I liked his take on X-Men. He could be a way back to the great atmosphere of the original trilogy.

    But no Jones. They need someone with a pulse to play Leia.

  8. alex

    I never thought a post on The Superficial would make me weep.

  9. eatme

    Fuck January Jones
    Fuck Matthew Vaughn
    Fuck Me

    • Inner Retard

      You should address your request to Kristen Stewart. I’m sure she’d be open to a foursome involving a director.

  10. Why do they want us to hate Princess Leia?

  11. RiddleofSteel

    Wait wait, use the original guys as cameo’s but make it about their kids and use no name talented people like the originals. Also fuck this director get Chris Nolan to rock out the baddest darkest star wars trilogy yet.

  12. EricLr

    You have to admit, she would be perfect as a Sith Lord:

    “Darth Bitchous, the Corellians are refusing your demands for child support.”

    “You may fire when ready, Admiral.”

  13. Kim K as Jabba’s daughter.

  14. It’s always nice to pass something off to someone after you wiped your ass with it.

  15. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    May this Farce not be with us.

  16. January Jones Son Xander
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with this thing. Where’s the colored woman? Isn’t she supposed to be handling this? I’m so confused….

  17. Ken

    Personality aside she’s too tall to play Leia.
    Ellen page might be a good younger version…
    Older?…. Any input, Internet?

  18. January Jones Son Xander
    Commented on this photo:

    I think I know who killed Waldo.

  19. Miranda Veracruz De La Hoya Cardenal

    “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re behind on your child support.”

    It’s quotes like this that make me come back for more.

  20. Im not sure if this guy is just being tongue in cheek here, but Im gonna go ahead and say it anyway, THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN! January Jones has got to be one of the worst actresses I have ever seen. Thats just what star wars needs a seemingly brain dead, bored with life bitch playing Princess Leia. Instead of pithy banter between her and Han, they can have her whine incessantly instead, awesome.

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