Zack Morris Got Engaged Three Months After His Divorce, Why Not?

August 11th, 2011 // 58 Comments

Sadly, this story has nothing to do with Kelly Kapowski. I’ve toyed with your emotions, I know. People reports:

Gosselaar, 36, whose divorce from Lisa Ann Russell was finalized in May, proposed recently with a 5 carat cushion-cut diamond ring, custom designed by his friend, jeweler Neil Lane.
“He couldn’t wait to propose,” Lane tells PEOPLE. “He was so excited to have found the woman of his dreams.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I will never understand dudes who get a divorce only to immediately get married again. It’s like those people who get out of prison but can’t handle it on the “outside” so they commit crimes to get back in. “It ain’t like it in here, Brooks. I was having sex with whoever I want, leaving shit all over the floor, never hearing one word about no curtains or some bitch in some office who’s trying to sabotage shit. Man, I hadn’t even seen the inside of a mall in months. World ain’t no place for a guy like me no more. Done changed on us. — So, do you think she’ll like this ring?”

Photo: Getty, WENN

superficial

  1. TomFrank

    “Fourteen years I been asking permission to screw. I can’t cum a drop without say-so.”

  2. Patronusfour

    Oh you fuckin’ trickster. I knew deep down that it wouldn’t have anything to do with Kelly, but I hoped…

  3. rough-unfiltered

    Three months sound like an eternity. Can anyone stand to do something for that length of time without breaking down? You want to stand on one leg for three months as an experiment, and see how hardhearted it can be. Give the guy a break, he sounds like a hopeless romantic to me. Besides, I’m pretty sure there will be another love of his life after this one.

  4. seagalisgod

    Zack. Listen up. Even Screech would have enough sense to insist on a pre-nup in this situation.

    • Alex

      But there’s nothing to shelter. How much do you think he’s getting for Franklin and Bash? Snooki makes more than MPG.

      • seagalisgod

        Staring role in a prime time show, plus Saved by the Bell residuals and appearance fees. Sorry, he’s got more at stake than Snooki.

  5. Deacon Jones

    Is anyone else getting wood this fine morning from the American Apparel ads?

    That “lace” one with the chick in the blue…

  6. Scott

    I know a post like this is more about having a fun point than anything else, but people can be separated, or in the process of divorce for months or years before a divorce goes through. Sometime people don’t even push that divorce through until they have a reason (like wanting to marry someone else). I have a couple friends who were not divorced but their marriage had ended 8 years earlier. They just didn’t get it taken care of because they had an agreement and it wasn’t worth the money or effort.

  7. Cock Dr

    Blogger is messing with my head…making me think this guy is going to marry Tiffani Thiessen.
    Five carats is a damned nice ring. Whoever that blonde is she must give fantastic head.

  8. the one

    so stop about talking “Loyalty”!!
    (americans never are)

  9. Mark-Paul Gosselaar Engaged
    skinnyfat
    Commented on this photo:

    Tiffany sure takes the kapow out of Kapowski these days

  10. Venom

    Obviously he is one of those dumb fuckers that thinks he can’t fuck a woman unless he marries them.
    Jackass.

  11. twoweeksleft

    Oh yes. Marriage is so bad. You remind me sometimes of the pathetic, man children that should only exist in the mind of a Farrelly brother. You’re single? Tell me, do you score tons of hot tail every weekend? Or do you mostly bang bottom-basement chicks and/or spend nights alone? Being available to bang whomever you want rarely equates to those women actually allowing you to. Of the women you do sleep with, how many are looking for a one-night stand, versus how many who want a deeper connection? You keep suggesting marriage as being this terrible prison where the woman uses you and constantly nags and brings you down. I’m in a relationship right now. My bf and I still have nights out with our friends and parts of our lives that are just our own. I don’t nag him because I don’t have to. He’s a responsible adult. I don’t use sex as a weapon, I use it to pleasure us both. During whatever the hell it is they call the March Madness of college hockey (my vagina precludes me from understanding college sports) for example, while he sat and watched his alma mater in an important hockey game, I quietly came over to him, gave him two beers, serviced him orally while he watched the game, and when he finished, I brought him a sandwich. I did so, not because I’m pathetic, not because I have low self-esteem or because I fear he’ll leave me, but because 1.) I love him and when you love someone you desire to make them happy. 2.) I am secure in the knowledge that he loves and respects me and, as such, I can feel comfortable doing things with him that I wouldn’t with other men. 3.) I didn’t have anything else to do.

    Imagine that. A relationship not built on power struggles, nagging, money, or secretly pining away for strange, but built on mutual respect and a desire to make one another happy. Whether or not a ceremony or a slip of paper bypassing inheritance taxes is involved or not, being in a committed relationship has tremendous benefits that extend far beyond what is offered in the single world. Let’s be honest, even if you are nailing tons of hot chicks now, which I doubt, you’re not Clooney. You’re a blogger. When you reach your forties, that shit will dry up (literally).

    Seriously, dude. Grow up.

    • Carrie

      I’m a woman who spent six years in a terrible marriage before I finally got free 2 years ago. I’ll never get married again. Never.
      You mention your bf, which means that you aren’t married? Ever been? Have any idea how much a stupid piece of paper changes everything? Have any idea what a pain in the ass it is to change your last name? Have any idea how expensive, painful, and stressful a divorce is vs. a break-up with a significant other, a break-up where lawyers and the court don’t need to get involved?
      I’m glad you’re in a happy relationship. I’m in one, too. And I will never again put the kind of pressure that comes with marriage on my relationship.
      PS–I’m a laid-back, sporty chick who plays fantasy football and talks college ball. Marriage is for the birds–or my parents, who have been happily married for 38 years.

    • Like sands through the hourglass…these are the days of our lives.

      • Hmmm

        Marriage is much better for men- it always has been, you get a live-in housekeeper and cook who also pays half the bills!

        In return you pay the absolute minimum of attention to them, maybe also giving them the honor of also being a live-in nanny to some kids, and ruining their bodies in the process because you just refuse to wear a condom.

        F- that I was married, now I am free no male BS to deal with -and I clean up after myself only! Never never getting married again!

    • Seriously, sweetheart, get a sense of humor in the down time when you’re not orally pleasuring the wonderfully independent both of you. Congrats on your braggy little relationship, but it’s not marriage – and perhaps one of the reasons it’s so fucking perfect is that you both know you can leave with minimal fallout. Plenty of people in the world have a happy marriage, yet for some reason the prison that marriage can become has been a universal joke since Aristophanes – now just why do you think that is? When it’s good, it’s wonderful – and we truly, honestly, don’t need you to tell us that. But when it isn’t, there’s no hell on earth like it. People change in a marriage, and sometimes not for the better. You jest at scars that never felt a wound.

  12. Carrie

    No, not all of them. But it’s unfair to say that people who don’t want to get married or look at marriage as a terrible institution need to grow up. My parents are happy, some of my married friends are happy,and then there the 3 sets of married friends in the throes of terrible break-ups, one involving a kid which is heartbreaking to watch. It just seems a little silly that you aren’t married and yet lecture those who look down on marriage. Hopefully marriage would change your relationship for the better, but you’re crazy if you think that’s what happens every single time, or even the majority of the time.

    • Carrie

      Fail on my part. That was supposed to be a reply. Ugh. Is it Friday yet?

      • twoweeksleft

        My argument isn’t that he doesn’t want to get married. It’s in regards to the adolescent fantasy he harbors as to why singlehood is better. He’s not suggesting that marriage is bad for some people based on the fear of messy divorces. It’s because the guy would have to put up with a woman’s nags, or have the same vagina for the rest of his life. It’s childish. The difficulty of a marriage is not relevant. Nor is the break up. My complaint is with his thinking that life is like Old School and he’s going to be banging hot 19-year-olds in his forties while all the losers who decide to get married are going to have to go pick out curtains.

        By the way. I’m sorry if my last response was douchey. In re-reading it, I don’t feel it came our right. Sorry.

      • Carrie

        And that’s a relevant argument. We all know those guys–I bartended for a decade, and every single night several idiotic bachelor “playboys” would get it into their heads that asking out the 22 year old bartender was the cool thing to do. Gross. Those guys end up forever alone.
        However, I do feel that entering a marriage is something that should be weighed carefully. All these ridiculous reality shows that throw people together and make them get engaged after 30 days has done nothing to help the psyche of the American woman (especially the women that rot their brains watching the Bachelor Pad). I think it’s absolutely appropriate to be wary of marriage, because then you’ll weigh all the pros and cons, work out the details (family time, in-laws, money, money, money, what will happen if there’s no money, etc). Like justifiable said above, when it’s good, it’s wonderful. When it’s not good, it’s toxic not only to the 2 people in the relationship, but to the families, friends, and co-workers of the 2 people.

        And these comments rarely come out like we mean them, no harm no foul. ;)

    • Don’t forget, this writer of this blog is also the same guy who basically painted Jesse James and Tiger Woods as 24 karat douchenozzles.Look, I have no doubt the Fish is capable of being sincere and adult about marriage (OK, I’ll even qualify that with “possibly” for the dreadfully, earnestly sincere among you).

      But this block IS supposed to be humorous; it exists to ridicule anyone famous who ever made a dumb move, and hyperbole IS a classic comedy tool (it’s Greek, see Aristophanes, above – look it up). Lighten up and don’t take everything so goddamn literally – or personally.

  13. DKNY

    His new piece is HOT.

  14. Doc Schweinstrudel

    Love happens.

  15. twoweeksleft

    @ Carrie.

    Totally. For the record, I think Mark Paul is a total dumbass. You JUST GOT DIVORCED m’fer!!! How stupid are you? The fact is, I’m not entirely certain *I* want to get married and there are certainly a host of valid arguments against which one would have difficulty comprising a counter-point. Arguments like marriage having its foundation in a farcical religious ceremony with its foundation inexorably tied to the concept of women as property. Or the fact that – in an age in which the average person in the western world is projected to live into their eighties and the culture is becoming increasingly narcissistic – is it realistic to suggest “forever” with a person?

    But his argument is not based in a cohesive, intelligent argument. It is based on fantasy with not an undercurrent of, but a blantant chauvinism that, though expected on a site primarily dealing with tits, still, after a while, becomes tiresome. He keeps saying that marriage is a means for desperate women (caricatures of us built on the worst gender stereotypes) to trap you so that they can order you around, force you to do things you don’t want to do, and use sex as a weapon. Whereas, conversely, if you remain single, your days will be filled with videogames and fucking whomever you want whenever you want. Which, honestly, seems more a condemnation of committed relationships in general than the “bond of matrimony”.

    I have a friend like that. A chubby 32-year-old who’s shitfaced by 2 p.m. on Saturdays, works a shit job, and ridicules his buddies who have wives and serious girlfriends as being “stupid” or whipped and says they don’t know what they’re missing…Right, cause you’re just drowning in top-quality pussy. I bet. *That* is what I find pathetic. Not the idea that someone wouldn’t want to get married. Especially with a divorce rate hovering around what? 50%

    • Let me acquaint you with the “reply” button. It’s obvious by your posting responses all over the page that you have no interest in carrying on an adult conversation in a mature and responsible manner.

      Like being judged like that? Was it accurate? Of course not. And I have news for you, not everyone who reads the Fish “believes” if you stay single you’ll have hot and cold running supermodel pussy and endless Wii time for the rest of your life – not unless they’re Charlie Sheen. That fact that YOU think all the readers here buy it is YOUR issue. That said, the sad fact is that men have far more options later in their lives when it comes to marriage, relationships and families than women do, and all your lecturing here won’t change that, and blaming the Fish won’t change the reality.

      As I said above when I used the “reply” button (hinty hint), this block IS supposed to be humorous; it exists to ridicule anyone famous who ever made a dumb move, and it makes use of exaggeration, aka hyperbole, to make its point. If you insist on being one of God’s Literal Children that really is your lookout – FYI, you’ll burn out quickly.

      If you’re surrounded by immature men who think that’s reality, like your 32 year old semi-shitfaced “friend” whom you find so pathetic, and it disgusts you so much, why the righteous fuck are people like that in your life? Where’s all the righteous indignation when it comes to your own life? I have a feeling said “friend” your boyfriend’s buddy and you can’t shake him and the rest of the Entourage loose, but tough, that’s your problem, not ours. Make changes in your own house before you start lecturing everyone else.

      • twoweeksleft

        Dude, you need to calm the fuck down and get a life. Who gives a shit if a stranger on the internet objects to what another stranger on the internet says? You make me sad.

      • Carrie

        justifiable does seem a little angry.

        @twoweeksleft, I get what you’re saying. And I don’t think you’re full of righteous indignation. As far as Fish goes, the poor guy could have gotten into a relationship with an overbearing girl begging for marriage which probably made life-long singledom filled with video games seems pretty damn good. :)

        The reply button got me, too.

      • twoweeksleft

        @Justifiable: I merely commented on something the author posted publicly. In doing so, I began a discussion with Carrie (btw the reply button didn’t work the last time which is why I published again). T which point you seemingly very upset by what was written, felt the need to charge to the defense of a man you’ve never met. You *had* to defend his honor because why? He writes funny dick jokes on the internet and provides you pictures of women in bathing suits? Perhaps you have met Fish in person as you seemingly spend enough time on this site to warrant having a profile in the network. Perhaps you’re like the Jackass fans who were livid over any condemnation of their beloved Ryan Dunn. Either way your anger is unwarranted and your defense the sad act of someone with too much time on his hands.

        @ Carrie. That could be true. Either way, this has gotten too time consuming, eh? I have to get back to studying. Haha. Have a great day :-)

      • Well, in that case, why did you treat us to some humorless drawn-out polemic about how juvenile, how immature, how chauvinistic, how fantasy-driven etc etc the blogwriter is and what a garden of delight and equality marriage is and whimper whine bitch moan? If you’re that objective about it all, why should you post at all, given that’s what the site is? Hey, if you put it up there, people will comment, sorry if that shocks you. If you think you’re in a private chat room with Carrie, then you’re mistaken. See, how it works is 1) that your comment gets posted, and 2) people are allowed to respond to it. My take is that I think your perspective is off in a number of ways, and personal experince – which you do not have in this area – is valuable. I don’t know if you’re familiar with “Selling Raymond”, but when Everyone Loves Raymond was marketed to Russia, it didn’t translate and fell flat – in a large part because none of the Russian writers were married, and had no concept of what the day-to-day workings of marriage – vs a relationship – was like.

        If you think that because I understand the tone and purpose of the site I’m a defacto Jackass fan, well, then you truly don’t comprehend a lot and will continue to go through life humorlessly stereotyping everyone around you who dares to disagree with you – good luck with that. You actually have no idea what gender I am, but you made a great deal of assumptions, didn’t you? Interesting that you assume everyone who disagrees with you here is male. And for the record, I’m not pissed off, just totally incredulous that all of this seems to be beyond your comprehension and that you’re still insistent about riding this hobbyhorse here. So really, other than telling everyone who read this thread how you selflessly blew your boyfriend while he was glued to the TV watching hockey, the purpose of your whole post was – what, exactly?

      • Carrie

        Lol @ garden of delight. :)

    • Yeah, you just need to keep a weed whacker handy. ;)

  16. flyboy

    The operative words are “divorce … was finalized” 3 months ago. Some divorces, especially celebrity ones, can take months, even more than a year to settle. MPG could easily have been in a relationship with the new wife for a long time, and was just waiting for the paperwork to get finalized.

    • twoweeksleft

      Touche

    • Carrie

      Yep, my divorce lasted a solid 2 years–I was already in a committed relationship by the time it was official.

      • juaquin ingles

        Justifiable, save your time. twoweeksleft has apparently reached that pinnacle of wisdom that comes with the early 20s and has life figured out.

    • Yeah, no kidding. However, I’m still absolutely outraged on behalf of all the women out there who DO like and even *gasp* understand sports (even college ones), all the while covertly possessing a vagina (albeit one that the guy they marry will have to confine himself to having sex with for the rest of his life). You know, I bet if having a vagina also allowed you to do hard stuff like math as well as understand sports and all that other man-based stuff, more men would actually ENJOY being married to just one for the rest of their lives, amirite? Shoot, that’s prolly just one of those blatant chauvinistic fantasy-driven themes I’ve been hearing so much about.

  17. C.

    Wait – got engaged to whom? I don’t know who any of these fucking people are, bear with me.

  18. Mark-Paul Gosselaar Engaged
    chupacabra
    Commented on this photo:

    his face SUCKS!

  19. Anonymous

    Who the hell would want to get married? Worst possible thing you could do.

  20. Veronica

    Tiffany ‘Amber’ Thiessan has always had an enviable rack. Often cheekily peaking out of reruns of 90210.

  21. Mark-Paul Gosselaar Engaged
    bertha
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s got cameron diaz face

  22. gumption

    tiffany aged terribly. it is crystal clear why they need actresses in their teens, these broads go to pot in their late 20s and by their 30s they look like this, great baby jesus she is scary.

  23. The Brown Streak

    All I got from this story was Kelly Kapowski: Still Single…

  24. Name

    Hey, sometimes you have a marriage-destroying affair with “the right one.” Hahahahahaha.

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