Here’s How Madonna Stays In Shape For Her Man-Child

If you’re like me, you often wonder how Madonna keeps herself in prime, looking like she’s dying physical condition for stealing and/or dating children depending on which direction the blood crystal points in the morn. Turns out her secret is rigorous soccer ball lifting. One hour of soccer ball lifting in the morning, followed by more soccer ball lifting in the afternoon. And for dinner, a sensible meal of soccer ball lifting. I don’t really understand how it works, but her dark ways are not for us to comprehend as much as tremble in fear of and prepare a sacrifice to. For example, today she demanded Cambodian child on a leafy goat head platter, so now I’ve got find my good braising pan. Dames, amirite?

UPDATE 9.1.11: Here’s all I can say about the now-missing photos: Today – and this rarely happens – I was told by the photo agency these were licensed from that they were no longer for publication. Later in the day, another photo agency issued blanket takedowns of two other Madonna sets which, fortunately, we weren’t running because it’s a pain in the ass to remove these. I’m not pointing any fingers here, but dark sorcery is afoot. Be wary.