Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer Deemed Incompetent By Judge After Trying To Get Her Case Dismissed

March 1st, 2013 // 47 Comments
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Had Lindsay Lohan taken a plea deal earlier this week and agreed to 60 days of rehab that would’ve easily been whittled down to two weeks after she punches the entire staff, her shady as shit lawyer Mark Heller could’ve avoided going into court today to get her entire lying-to-police case dismissed. A move that ended in him basically being called a fucking idiot by the judge and more importantly unfit for practicing law in California which means Lindsay has to find someone else crazy enough to pursue such legal strategies as, “But I didn’t do ittttt.” TMZ reports:

It was shocking but Judge Jim Dabney reamed Mark Heller, saying he was incompetent to practice law in California and said Lindsay either has to get another lawyer who knows what he’s doing or she has to come into court and waive her right to a competent California lawyer.
The judge informed Mark Heller he screwed up the legal docs he filed by not following California law … and the motion to dismiss charges was DENIED. Heller tried to blame the previous lawyer, but his paperwork was so screwed up … his argument fell on deaf ears.
The judge went on to say Heller doesn’t have a clue about criminal law, questioning his competence to handle the case.

Fortunately for Lindsay, her dad was of course hanging around outside the courthouse and already shoved his face into a TMZ camera vowing to personally hire a new lawyer with money he somehow has despite being months, if not years, behind on child support. That said, it’s almost impressive to watch how far this man will go to kick a vagina. “Alright, so we get the three of us in a room together, and I think after she meets you, she’ll want to hire you. In the meantime, don’t worry if you see me putting on snow shoes. They’re strictly for arch support.”

Photo: Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

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  1. IAmAGuest

    Looks like ol’ Barry Zuckerkorn has been spending too little time on his case. Must be all those rest stops.

  2. elephantman

    They both look incompetent, perfect match. Oh and her dad wants to hire her a different lawyer like thats going to get him into her good graces once again. What a friggin mess!

  3. That’s fucking awesome, when someone literally tells you that you’re too damn stupid to do your job.

    I mean, I’ve deemed north of 90% of the people around me to be incompetent to continue living, but there’s no formal system in place to back me up.

    • Juch

      I’d have preferred the judge keep his mouth shut and then go ahead and lock up Lohan.

    • cc

      ‘I’ve deemed north of 90% of the people around me to be incompetent to continue living’

      Funny you should say that. I got an HR memo forwarded to me today. I had thanked someone for their ‘invaluable assistance’ and they forwarded it to their manager who forwarded it to HR. Apparently, there’s some confusion about the meaning of the word ‘invaluable’ (hint: it does not mean ‘of no value’).

      For fuck’s sake.

  4. So I guess Michael Lohan was trying to get Lionel Hutz on the phone?

    • I think he’s going to get a mouthpiece from Dewey, Phukham, & Howe.

      OUR MOTTO: “Here at Dewey, Phukham, & Howe we fuck everyone else and pass the savings on to you!”

  5. Dick Hell

    What a shame, this guy is giving dilapidated strip-mall attorneys a bad name.

  6. It’s OK. Crackhan never intended to pay him anyway.

  7. Bob

    Someone check on Shawn Chapman Holley. She’s probably rolling around on the floor somewhere, laughing so hard that she’s risking a seizure.

  8. Fredical

    She probably gave this guy a sloppy BJ to coerce him into trying to cut corners he knows he couldn’t get away with. He put his professional reputation on the line to fill her chipmunk cheeks with spunk. Her previous lawyer got fired when she declined the same offer.

  9. if this were happening to anyone else it would be sad. But since LiLo brought this on herself, it’s funny as hell — and pretty much par for the course. “Yo, Linds…Ever hear of Karma?”

  10. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    Jack Attack
    Commented on this photo:

    She seriously looks as if she isn’t really sure where she is. She is going to join the 27 club. Such a shame.

  11. She just jumps from one clusterfuck to the other. Maybe sometime in jail away from it all will do you good, Lindsay.

  12. cc

    I burst out laughing when I read the headline. Only Lindsay could find a totally inept lawyer.

    • Lemmiwinks

      I gather you haven’t had to hire an attorney. They all charge a lot but most don’t try very hard. Imagine being forced to choose from a list of 50 restaurants that all charge $1000 per meal and you know only one of the 50 won’t give you food poisoning but you don’t know which.

      • idk, I think a better analogy is, imagine you move to France, don’t speak french, go to the same restaurant every night, and despite your mangled attempts at French which cause you to order things like ‘shoe with cheese’ and other such crap, they bring you a delicious meal every time – that’s what LiLo had going on with Shawn Holley – despite all LiLo’s idiocy, all of which should have ended in disaster, she skated every single time- so what does she do? she fires her incredible attorney, and instead hires some dumbass from an entirely different jurisdiction whose only qualification is he accepts fellatio as payment.

  13. You try and get all your documents and shit in order while getting a blowjob and see if you don’t fuck it up.

  14. Michael_D

    So it looks like someone greenlit “My Couson Vinny 2″. Good to see Lindsey working again

  15. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    Grand Dragon
    Commented on this photo:

    She is 26 years old? Jesus Tapdancing Christ,,,,

  16. somebody better warn this judge dont get ratso angry.

  17. I guess this means that Lindsay will be scouring the Off Ramps of California’s Highways looking for an Attorney with a cardboard sign proposing “Will Work For BJs”. Apparently she found one on the Sidewalk Grates in NYC.

  18. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    limited options
    Commented on this photo:

    “you said if I swallowed and let you do anal I’d be excused so I could hustle more blow , and now I think you were lying to me !

  19. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    limited options
    Commented on this photo:

    ” I slurped your jizz and this kind of effort is what I get !!!!”

  20. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    limited options
    Commented on this photo:

    “this is the last time I let a lawyer do me doggystyle without letting me snort and 8-ball first “

  21. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    limited options
    Commented on this photo:

    “blah blah , blah lying…. blah, blah,blah drinking…. blah , blah , blah , stealing … this so boring ! I am sooo bored …. wonder if the baliff has any coke …. where can I score …. Maybe the judge is holding … how can I get into the judges chambers without being seen… Maybe I can get into the evidence locker , there’s got to be tons of coke in their for sure …
    Blah , blah, blah menace to society … Blah , blah , blah , sociopath…

  22. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    limited options
    Commented on this photo:

    “Yeah , the cop never saw me driving , what a dope to belie…..”

  23. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    vacant ambition
    Commented on this photo:

    truly “Mommie Dearest”

  24. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    vacant ambition
    Commented on this photo:

    ” was that wrong? … I didn’t know that was wrong … I always drink and drive … I always shoplift … I always steal from people at parties … was that wrong ?”

  25. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    vacant ambition
    Commented on this photo:

    “This bitch is harshing my high !”

  26. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    vacant ambition
    Commented on this photo:

    100K to fuck this ? I’m thinking more like some 2 for 1 coupons at Burger King

  27. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    vacant ambition
    Commented on this photo:

    ” and he spooged all over my face ! Old man spooge !”

  28. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    the wrecker
    Commented on this photo:

    Herber dornk dargle marmp, Garbl.

  29. The moral of the story of Lindsay’s free lawyer: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

  30. AWOL

    Better Call Saul!

  31. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    Commented on this photo:

    (thinking) Wow… He’s getting his ass chewed! If I wasn’t drunk and emotionally dead inside, I’d feel bad for him.

  32. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Dreams is her future black lesbian cell mate.

  33. celebritydaze.com

    this whole thing is sad from a human perspective.

  34. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    Commented on this photo:

    “Mom…Why isn’t the Oscar carpet red this year?”

  35. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Judge: Your lawyer is an idiot! I hope you’re not paying him!
    Lindsay: I’m not, and he’s worth every penny!

  36. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo
    chicka
    Commented on this photo:

    Lindsay, for fuck’s sake! Snap out of it, hey!

  37. Lindsay Lohan Probation Violation New Tattoo New Lawyer Mark Heller
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    they both look like plastic surgery freaks

  38. logan

    CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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