Lindsay Lohan Hardly Ever Gets Drunk or Does Drugs, You Guys, Honest

May 6th, 2013 // 29 Comments
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If you haven’t heard by now, Lindsay Lohan did a print interview with Piers Morgan for The Daily Mail – And to her credit, she still managed to come of completely full of shit without even seeing her face. – so you have the option to check out the highlights after the jump or click on the banner pic to see those pics of her still not-too-shabby breasts hanging out of a helicopter in Brazil. If it were up to me, I’d go with the boobs because, really, what is Lindsay Lohan going to say that none of us haven’t heard a million times before? It’s not like she saw a UFO, or we’d already be exchanging our earth blow jobs for hyperdrives by now. “Lord Glaktar is pleased by the red one’s use of her food depository. Bring us more and those pouches you feed your young with. We are compelled to provide this entire ship just to gaze upon them again. I cannot quantify the sensation.”

On why we should just start sending her to prison because rehab doesn’t work:

How often have you been in rehab?
I’ve been court-ordered to do it six times. I could write the book on rehab. Constantly sending me to rehab is pointless. The first few times I was court-ordered to rehab it was like a joke, like killing time.
Like school detention?
Yes. They just asked me the same old questions I’d answered before.

On doing cocaine like four, maybe five times in her whole life. Yup:

How many times have you taken cocaine?
Everyone thinks I’ve done it so many times. But I’ve only done it maybe four or five times in my life.
Yes, I don’t like it. It reminds me of my dad. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice.
Did it make you feel good?
No. I felt a little too buzzed – it made me feel uncomfortable.

On how you know she blew Piers Morgan just by reading a sentence he wrote about her and Dina:

She – a former singer and dancer – brought up their four children virtually single-handed for much of their childhood.
Whatever you think of her, whatever you’ve read or heard about her, the Lindsay Lohan I met seemed to me to be a damaged, vulnerable young woman struggling to find normality in her often tormented life.

There’s a whole bunch more horseshit, but honestly, there’s only so many times I can read Lindsay Lohan say she’s going to “focus on her work” only to come out of rehab, steal everyone’s shit then show up ten days late to a film set that she begged and pleaded and swore up and down to be good on. At this point it’s either OD already, or at least rob a bank in a bikini because international hookery is boring when no one’s making videos of it. Although based on her last “boyfriend,” it’d probably just look like The Mandarin’s planning another attack.

Photos: Nicky Johnston/Daily Mail, AKM-GSI


  1. no one has ever managed to get busted 50% of the times they have done drugs.

  2. Sven Golly

    The only rational explanation for Lindsay is that she was conceived on a Monopoly board and somehow a ‘get out of jail free’ card combined with her DNA… along with the spilled coke and booze (naturally).

  3. serimode

    So she’s finally admitting that those WERE her pants!!!

  4. serimode

    Also, Piers Morgan needs to be beaten for actually saying that Dina was a singer/dancer when it was already proven that she lied about that.

  5. I think Lindsay’s mouth/vagina/anus actually secrete cocaine making her sex acts fucking mindblowing. It’s the only explanation for how she gets away with all of the shit she does.

  6. Wait—she won’t do cocaine because it reminds her of her dad? Then shouldn’t she also be dry because booze reminds her of her mom?

  7. Hey, Roget… when the hell did “hardly ever” become a synonym for “always”?

  8. Joe Blow

    She should make a home sex tape with James Deen.

  9. Firecrotch McBatshit

    So she’s not a drug addict, and she’s not abused. She’s just a cunt. Duly noted.

  10. You know, I have to admit, that for a woman in her mid-50s, linds looks somewhat decent.

  11. Since she stills believes that she does not have a drinking or drug problem, rehab will do her no good, and she’ll have her nose full of coke and a drink in her hand within an hour of leaving Betty Ford.

  12. A reference to The Mandarin already? Y’know, not all of us see a movie the weekend it opens.

  13. I’ve heard that riding in a helicopter can be a really shaky ride. That being the case I’ll bet Lindsay’s tittiess were shaking like a dog shitting peach pits!

  14. Lohan is just spinning around the drain; too bad she didn’t just use medical marijuana and stay off the coke/alcohol/whatever crap they have at clubs/ etc. MARIJUANA – Guide to Buying, Growing, Harvesting, and Making Medical Marijuana Oil and Delicious Candies to Treat Pain and Ailments by Mary Bendis, Second Edition. Only 2.99.

  15. Lindsay Lohan Boobs Wardrobe Malfunction Braless Helicopter
    Commented on this photo:

    The one on the right please

  16. mikel246
    Commented on this photo:

    surprisingly she dont trip over those ole hangers,,,

  17. Nadlley
    Commented on this photo:

    her black armpit! yucks

  18. Lindsay Lohan Boobs Wardrobe Malfunction Braless Helicopter
    Commented on this photo:

    Only childish women call men criminals who compliment there breasts,cleavages and rears as well as whistling. Ladies who tattle to cowards hiding badges are immature ten year old girls in elementary school who will burn in hell for this horrific deed. Its never okay to misquote Isaiah 29:21 to mean something other than what is being said, such as saying like, throw his ass in a cage like an animal if he says your ass,cleavage and bust is lovely. Did God command criminalizing compliments and racism?

  19. Tom
    Commented on this photo:

    I am an avid traveler and author of world destinations
    and publisher of one of the top celebrity gossip sites
    Great Vacation Spots
    Gossip Magazine Online

  20. coco_loko
    Commented on this photo:

    yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! what a train wreck!

  21. Lindsay Lohan Boobs Wardrobe Malfunction Braless Helicopter
    Mitch Born
    Commented on this photo:

    To be in Hollywood this long those hooters have seen plenty of action bouncing

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