Lindsay Lohan Hardly Ever Gets Drunk or Does Drugs, You Guys, Honest

If you haven’t heard by now, Lindsay Lohan did a print interview with Piers Morgan for The Daily Mail – And to her credit, she still managed to come of completely full of shit without even seeing her face. – so you have the option to check out the highlights after the jump or click on the banner pic to see those pics of her still not-too-shabby breasts hanging out of a helicopter in Brazil. If it were up to me, I’d go with the boobs because, really, what is Lindsay Lohan going to say that none of us haven’t heard a million times before? It’s not like she saw a UFO, or we’d already be exchanging our earth blow jobs for hyperdrives by now. “Lord Glaktar is pleased by the red one’s use of her food depository. Bring us more and those pouches you feed your young with. We are compelled to provide this entire ship just to gaze upon them again. I cannot quantify the sensation.”

On why we should just start sending her to prison because rehab doesn’t work:

How often have you been in rehab?
I’ve been court-ordered to do it six times. I could write the book on rehab. Constantly sending me to rehab is pointless. The first few times I was court-ordered to rehab it was like a joke, like killing time.
Like school detention?
Yes. They just asked me the same old questions I’d answered before.

On doing cocaine like four, maybe five times in her whole life. Yup:

How many times have you taken cocaine?
Everyone thinks I’ve done it so many times. But I’ve only done it maybe four or five times in my life.
Yes, I don’t like it. It reminds me of my dad. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice.
Did it make you feel good?
No. I felt a little too buzzed – it made me feel uncomfortable.

On how you know she blew Piers Morgan just by reading a sentence he wrote about her and Dina:

She – a former singer and dancer – brought up their four children virtually single-handed for much of their childhood.
Whatever you think of her, whatever you’ve read or heard about her, the Lindsay Lohan I met seemed to me to be a damaged, vulnerable young woman struggling to find normality in her often tormented life.

There’s a whole bunch more horseshit, but honestly, there’s only so many times I can read Lindsay Lohan say she’s going to “focus on her work” only to come out of rehab, steal everyone’s shit then show up ten days late to a film set that she begged and pleaded and swore up and down to be good on. At this point it’s either OD already, or at least rob a bank in a bikini because international hookery is boring when no one’s making videos of it. Although based on her last “boyfriend,” it’d probably just look like The Mandarin’s planning another attack.

Photos: Nicky Johnston/Daily Mail, AKM-GSI