Lindsay Lohan Is Telling People She FaceTimed Oprah On Christmas

Almost nothing in life is certain. For example, who would’ve guessed Charlie Sheen would get HIV? But if there’s one truth with which we can all rest peacefully in our graves, it’s that there’s no goddamn fucking way Oprah spent Christmas morning FaceTiming Lindsay Lohan. For people like Oprah, Christmas morning is spent sleeping in while your staff incinerates the bodies you and your guests flayed to death in ritual sacrifice to an owl god the night before. Unless Stedman asked Santa for a video of a cokehead rambling about how some Greek guys she spent the summer blowing on a yacht are financing her big comeback. Guy goes to one party at Tara Reid’s house and all of a sudden he can’t get off unless a former child star is crying near a billionaire’s penis.

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