Lindsay Lohan’s Throat Is More Powerful Than We Ever Imagined

Because there hasn’t been a recent, all-consuming example of how not having a prenup can fuck a man five ways to Sunday whether you believe Captain Jack Bolo is an abusive asshole or not, Lindsay Lohan is now trying to marry her latest mark without signing one. It will be her checkmate in a chess match she’s won by swallowing each piece, the board, and the clock all while holding her nose. Via Life & Style:

They’re busy planning a wedding, but Lindsay Lohan, 29, and beau Egor Tarabasov, the 22-year-old heir to a multimillion-dollar Russian business fortune, have no plans to sign a prenup, Life & Style has learned.

The family is outraged, but there’s a small chance none of them have been blown by Lindsay, so that must be the problem. But what does Egor think? If he’s even still capable of producing thoughts while his testicles are routinely drained in exchange for not having to appear in Scary Movie 6.

While his family wants a prenup, an insider says, “He’s not pressuring Lindsay to sign one because he thinks they’re going to be together forever.”

He continued, “In Soviet Russia, average lifespan of whore is 14, so Lindsvey is on — what is American word? — borrowed time. Also, my family have gypsy curse from time we promise three goats for stereo and only deliver two, so I expect heart attack at any moment.”

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