It’s The Trailer For ‘The Canyons’ Starring Lindsay Lohan As Pretty Much Lindsay Lohan

October 9th, 2012 // 36 Comments
Lindsay Lohan Canyons Teaser Trailer
WATCH: Lindsay Lohan - 'The Canyons' Teaser Trailer

Here’s the first teaser trailer for The Canyons starring Lindsay Lohan and porn star James Deen that was literally shot in four weeks for about $5 because she’s in the middle of a comeback, you guys. Anyway, if the faux-60s vibe doesn’t make you immediately stop this thing (and rightfully so), notice how unlike the trailer for Liz & Dick, you never hear Lindsay Lohan say a single word because her voice only has one tone now and it’s “Middle-Aged Truck Stop Waitress With Emphysema Who Lost The Ability To Emote On The Tip Of A Drug Dealer’s Penis A Long, Long Time Ago, Sweetie- A Hack Hack! ‘Scuse Me. Coffee?”

superficial

  1. I like the sixties feel of the trailer. I’ll have to wait to see her performance before I criticize it.

  2. EricLr

    Every time I think of her voice, I remember that old bit they used to do on The Soup where they would introduce every Miley Cyrus clip with a teen girl screaming “It’s Miley!!” and every Lindsay Lohan clip with a gravelly-voiced old hooker saying “[cough] It’s Lindsay…”

  3. That guy has the eyes of a serial killer who has managed to find a way to release his compulsions in a non-illegal fashion.

    • Annie

      James Deen? Absolutely. I don’t know if it’s because he looks like Ted Bundy or what but he gives me the creeps.

  4. DN

    It’s really unfortunate that it appears Ms. Lohan can no longer act. The moment in the trailer when she looks upset, Lohan is way over doing it — it looks like an amateur emoting in an acting workshop. Too bad.

    • Emma Watson's Vagina

      i think they were trying to create a grindhouse movie. where the acting had to be camp. so for someone like Lohan it would be easy. you watched those films if you loved that sort of thing. and yes there are people who love that sort of acting. also for any T@A in it. usually Loan does chessecake and non-nudity sex scenes. it would be surprising if he actually did nudity in a film she did. so unless she does nudity or better blowjob scenes in films it will be a waste to see.

      • Then they were trying for the same effect in Glee when she had a cameo as a judge. She was as painfully flat as last week’s beer – so no, she can’t act any more. And I’m not sure she ever really could, outside of kiddie roles and Mean Girls – and let’s be honest, that last role didn’t exactly call for any greatness or depth.

        When you’re running a distant second to Perez Hilton in your performance, you need to hang it up.

      • Oh definitely. Her delivery in Mean Girls was always the worst in each scene. Everyone was better than her. She pulled you out of the moment.

  5. Deacon Jones

    So retro 60s promo for a movie that’s set in the present.

    Got it.

  6. USDA Prime McBeef

    I assume by canyon they are talking about Lindsay’s vagina. I’m somewhat confused by the plurality though.

  7. FastFoodLocal151

    You know it’s going to be bad when they can’t bring themselves to air dialogue in the trailer.

  8. El Jefe

    I am 100% certain I can make a better movie than this pile of shit with my FLIP camera and iMovie.

  9. eilliM

    Similar to the Liz & Dick teaser (lol dicktease) trailer, they have to make it flashy and distracty as possible to not scare people away with Lohan’s terrible “acting”. Can’t wait for the comeback.

  10. Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Hardcore) and Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho, Less Than Zero) are the only reasons I’d watch this.

  11. YoMamma

    How is it 60s with an iphone in the trailer?

    • Annie

      It’s not 60′s. It’s set in present time. I don’t even know why they made the trailer look like this but I was snooping around Twitter and someone left Bret the message: “when you want a real trailer call our agency” and their name hahaha.

  12. And by “The Canyons” they mean her vagina.

  13. Buddy The Elf

    Awesome.
    In 1:10 they managed to underwhelm me even more than my already shitty expectations.

    I did appreciate the Michael Myers demonic keyboard at the :04 second point though.

  14. cc

    ‘prepare yourselves for a shock’.

    There’s a scene where Lohan looks well slept and fully hydrated?

  15. Annie

    “And a “huge” new talent – James Deen” *wink wink nudge nudge*.
    Deen as in sausage, not the actor *wink wink*. This is hilarious.

    I swear Bret’s boner for James Deen is embarrassing. He tweets about him all the time.

  16. anonym

    as long as lindsay doesn’t open her mouth, it will be passable.

    she’s one of the worst actors in hollywood.

    Even Sharon Stone didn’t fail this early.

  17. Pat C

    A trailer without even one interesting bit in it. Great way to promote a movie.

  18. nahhh

    Not gonna lie, I’m going to pirate the shit out of this movie… I’ll probably watch it amidst a weekend of furious masturbating to everything James Deen has ever appeared in.

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