Lindsay Lohan Wants You To Believe She Paid To Fix Toilets She Didn’t Clog

Because the Internet is a fancy place, rich with intellectual discourse and pontifications of the day, Lindsay Lohan taking gigantic poops is the big story right now, so let me catch you up to speed: Reports started circulating yesterday that Lindsay not only clogged the toilet in her trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5, but went on a massive ass spree clogging every single trailer she could break into which was all of them because she’s a goddamn thief. Naturally, she’s denying the story and naturally, she’s doing it in the most nonsensical way possible that makes her look guilty as – wait for it – shit. Count it! TMZ reports:

Now here’s Lindsay’s story — she’s telling friends producers were ferociously upset she missed the kickoff day … even though she told them she had walking pneumonia and doctors ordered her NOT to fly.
We’re told when she arrived belatedly, the trailer was a disaster — the shower and toilet were not working … and she had to do her biz in adjoining trailers.
It was only after the shoot that Lindsay was accused of wreaking plumbing havoc and told she would not get her full paycheck … to cover repair costs.
LiLo’s friends say her people and movie honchos went back and forth for weeks before she finally waived the white flag … and tens of thousands of bucks were deducted from her paycheck.

While it looks suspicious as all hell that Lindsay would just up and pay for something she didn’t do considering she’s flat broke and can’t even pay the IRS to stop them from seizing her bank accounts, I always thought people who do coke barely eat and are constantly constipated. In fact, don’t Lindsay and Charlie Sheen only poop once every six years and that’s how we get coal? I could’ve sworn I read that somewhere.

Photo: Pacific Coast News