Lindsay Lohan’s Writing A Tell-All Book

December 16th, 2013 // 54 Comments
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Almost a year ago to this day, James Franco said in an interview that the main reason Lindsay Lohan doesn’t get her shit together is because every time she goes to jail or rehab, someone offers her a book deal. A claim that seemed laughable until this weekend when it became clear it wasn’t just some random thought on a fart cloud between jizzes on Batman’s mask. I’m as shocked as you are. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan has decided to open the flood gates — penning a gritty, tell-all book about EVERYTHING … her arrests, her drug abuse, her acting career, and her family … and she’s already gotten several serious publishing offers.
Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, the book started as a series of journal entries, which she wrote in rehab as a therapeutic exercise. The book is still in its early stages, and it doesn’t have a clear focus, but she says she wants to open up every part of her life.

Here’s an exclusive excerpt that will be more legitimate than the final product because it’s written by someone who isn’t Lindsay Lohan:

Pomp And Circumstance

Suge Knight’s son was pressing my face into Samantha Ronson’s vagina again. I didn’t want to be here, but these are things you do when you’re a beautiful actress. It’s not pretty, like me, but this was the life. Gritty, and no holds bar. I don’t really know you hold a bar, but the expression fit.
As I tried to pretend I was into licking a pussy that looked like a gargoyle’s face – Acting, you’re always there fore me. – I couldn’t help but feel a natural, almost animalistic urge to kick it as hard I could. My father would later explain to me that Clan Lohan were born vagina kickers and had once ruled a small town in Ireland until the wives became hooked on gin instead of whisky. Their treachery undid all the men’s hard work and forced the whole clan to move to Long Island where the wives stopped dancing and let themselves go a little bit. Not too bad, but you could just tell they didn’t care like they used to, and that’s why the men had to have sex with their secretaries. His stories were long and confusing like that, but it’s important to know where you’ve been so you know where you’re going.
For me, that was an Oscar. A golden statue that would guarantee I’d never have to lick another weird little man’s vagina while he pretends to be a genius at making playlists. God, I hate this town, but soon I would own it.
Anyway, I may have tried just a little bit of cocaine during all of this, but I didn’t really like it. In fact, forget I even said that part because now I remember I didn’t. I definitely didn’t. It gives me cramps. Not as bad as alcohol does which is more of a crampy, allergic vertigo, so I never touch that stuff either. Not when there’s art to make…

[Notes: The next part is going to be about Liz & Dick reviving my career, so I'm going to need a quote from Elizabeth Taylor that says how honored she was to be played by me. I know she's dead, so find someone who's really good at writing quotes for dead people because I want this to be super believable. Authenticity is very important to me. President Obama will back that up, but not if you have ask him about it. That's racist. - LL]

Photos: Getty, Splash News

superficial

  1. Wait. She can write?

    • JC

      I would be more than willing to ghost write this for her. She can pay me in blowjobs. After all, writing a 24-page pamphlet based on coked-up, stream-of-consciousness nonsense doesn’t take very long. I’ll do it on one of my lunch breaks at my real job.

    • Dox

      No. But she can stand there, ramble drunk, incoherent sentences, and pay someone to turn it into a sad little exposition and cautionary tale on the dangers of over indulgence, and denial mixed in with horrible genetics.

  2. How are they going to keep her from grinding up the crayons and snorting them?

  3. Working Title:

    “Coke Whore: The Story of Freckle Snatch”

  4. One Cock
    Two Cock
    Red Snatch
    I Blew Cock

  5. 100 for paying rent, Alex

  6. angerinside

    You guys remember at the end of Army of Darkness, where he fumbles the words on the spell the book opens and nearly sucks his face off. Same thing but with your dick.

  7. racially ambiguous Santa

    You gotta admit her acting is very talented

  8. It will be a nicer story if they wait until the last chapter writes itself.

    • Dox

      My money’s on a drunken car accident involving a cow, six penguins, and twelve days lost in the Brazilian jungle where she gets eaten by cannibals.

    • JimBB

      I’m going with car accident, piling into a busload of nuns, while blowing Charlie Sheen.

  9. You can just ask any washed up crack whore who wasted all her potential and get the same story.

  10. Lets see , she can’t sing, she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag filled with a wet beaten mongoose, She can drink, do drugs start fights, show up late to any events, and pass std’s to any man or woman, Oh I forgot, have a filthy house like a hoarder on adderall. Whoops thats it , the whole book.damn it I was hoping for more.

  11. LOla

    At this point does anyone even care?

  12. Her book can be summed up in one word, cocaine.

  13. She should have had this done around the time she did that awful Liz and Dick movie.and titled her book”The Queen of Denial”.

  14. If she’s pressed for cash, wouldn’t it be more lucrative to do porn? Just putting that out there.

  15. Her literary aspirations currently lack “clear focus.” I’d have expected the laser-like intensity of a thousand white-hot suns, but I guess that’s just me.

  16. Jeff

    Who the hell would want to read a book penned by Lindsay™?
    If anyone who wants to know about her all they need to do is read a gossip blog (or cruise over to TMZ if they want Mikey’s spin on things). I can’t imagine anyone spending their hard earned money on something that eventually will end up enriching her. I know I have better things to spend money on, like my upcoming ObamaCare bill.

  17. I’d read this book. I wouldnt’ buy it, maybe check it out from the library. There are still libraries, right?

  18. swank

    to quote Fish from about five years ago, “I don’t know how i feel about reading a book where every chapter ends, “And then I sucked his dick.”

  19. I’m in as long as she doesn’t pull a Canseco on me. Put all the sex in the first book.

  20. The book will be filled with all the things she got busted for doing with her then saying “but it wasn’t my fault”. Poor Lindsay.
    *sad face with a single tear.*

  21. anonymous

    LOL….so when did making up shit become a tell all? You know whatever is printed will end up being bullshit. LL isn’t exactly known for her gritty honesty. And who remembers 100% of what they are doing when they are drunk and high?

    You want a gritty tell all. Have all the assistants that’s she abused and fired in the past write the book.

  22. Mr. Fahrenheit

    Okay, so it’ll be first the book, THEN the porn.

  23. First autobiography ever to be classed as fiction.

  24. D-chi

    I think the person giving everything a thumbs down got tired a little after 2 pm.

  25. Frank Burns

    Correct headline: “Lindsay Lohan’s Coloring In A Tell-All Book”

  26. Jerry Falwell's ghost

    WHORE

    FILTHY, FILTHY WHORE

  27. wtf

    This bitch NEVER tells the truth, so this book is going to be fiction. Lame!

  28. “A Tale of Two Titties”

  29. she would be better off letting TMZ write it for her….she can’t receive a sentence let alone write one…

  30. Lindsay Lohan Knee High Leather Boots Z100s Jingle Ball
    Commented on this photo:

    Everyone knows how talented Lindsey Lohan can and should be. She needs to stay healthy, hot, and be above the cat fighting!

  31. Lindsay Lohan Knee High Leather Boots Z100s Jingle Ball
    Commented on this photo:

    Digging up past dirt isn’t generally what I’m about but, Lindsey already has a Platinum and a Gold record, circa 2004 and 2005. 2006 was Paris’ debut, which, despite the press support (favorable music critics) and the money (JR Totem and Scott Storch production) failed to move similar units. Her first DJ debut was panned, now she’s with Cash Money trying to get back on? Industry seems to fully back her and she still had to make a sex video just to stay in the public eye.

  32. Lindsay Lohan Knee High Leather Boots Z100s Jingle Ball
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m pretty sure Lindsay considers spilling vodka onto the carpet as a “miscarriage”.

    Still want to have sex with her.

  33. Lindsay Lohan Knee High Leather Boots Z100s Jingle Ball
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Up next from Lindsay:

    “I couldn’t work because I was on that plane in Asia that hit that boat in Asia.’

    “Putin – who I call Vlad-Vlad – phoned and asked me to help him with peace negotiations on the Ukraine. I drove all over California looking for it but couldn’t find it though.”

    “After I lost my plane ticket I climbed into the wheel well of jet plane to try and get to the set on time, but I passed out from drinking vodka. Oops, I mean from no oxygen.”

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