Lindsay Lohan’s Writing A Tell-All Book

Almost a year ago to this day, James Franco said in an interview that the main reason Lindsay Lohan doesn’t get her shit together is because every time she goes to jail or rehab, someone offers her a book deal. A claim that seemed laughable until this weekend when it became clear it wasn’t just some random thought on a fart cloud between jizzes on Batman’s mask. I’m as shocked as you are. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan has decided to open the flood gates — penning a gritty, tell-all book about EVERYTHING … her arrests, her drug abuse, her acting career, and her family … and she’s already gotten several serious publishing offers.
Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, the book started as a series of journal entries, which she wrote in rehab as a therapeutic exercise. The book is still in its early stages, and it doesn’t have a clear focus, but she says she wants to open up every part of her life.

Here’s an exclusive excerpt that will be more legitimate than the final product because it’s written by someone who isn’t Lindsay Lohan:

Pomp And Circumstance

Suge Knight’s son was pressing my face into Samantha Ronson’s vagina again. I didn’t want to be here, but these are things you do when you’re a beautiful actress. It’s not pretty, like me, but this was the life. Gritty, and no holds bar. I don’t really know you hold a bar, but the expression fit.
As I tried to pretend I was into licking a pussy that looked like a gargoyle’s face – Acting, you’re always there fore me. – I couldn’t help but feel a natural, almost animalistic urge to kick it as hard I could. My father would later explain to me that Clan Lohan were born vagina kickers and had once ruled a small town in Ireland until the wives became hooked on gin instead of whisky. Their treachery undid all the men’s hard work and forced the whole clan to move to Long Island where the wives stopped dancing and let themselves go a little bit. Not too bad, but you could just tell they didn’t care like they used to, and that’s why the men had to have sex with their secretaries. His stories were long and confusing like that, but it’s important to know where you’ve been so you know where you’re going.
For me, that was an Oscar. A golden statue that would guarantee I’d never have to lick another weird little man’s vagina while he pretends to be a genius at making playlists. God, I hate this town, but soon I would own it.
Anyway, I may have tried just a little bit of cocaine during all of this, but I didn’t really like it. In fact, forget I even said that part because now I remember I didn’t. I definitely didn’t. It gives me cramps. Not as bad as alcohol does which is more of a crampy, allergic vertigo, so I never touch that stuff either. Not when there’s art to make…

[Notes: The next part is going to be about Liz & Dick reviving my career, so I’m going to need a quote from Elizabeth Taylor that says how honored she was to be played by me. I know she’s dead, so find someone who’s really good at writing quotes for dead people because I want this to be super believable. Authenticity is very important to me. President Obama will back that up, but not if you have ask him about it. That’s racist. – LL]

Photos: Getty, Splash News