So Lady GaGa’s ‘G.U.Y.’ Video Happened

March 24th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Lady Gaga G.U.Y.
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Instead of getting into Lady Gaga‘s “ARTPOP film” video for “G.U.Y.” and all the Real Housewives bullshit that dwells within, let me tell you about the most fucked up celebrity dream I’ve ever had in all my years writing this site and that’s coming off of an least three year run where I’m back in college banging Paris Hilton. Always Paris Hilton… It happened Saturday night, and for all intents and purposes, I’m not even sure I’m the same person anymore or ever will be.

I’m front row at a Lady Gaga concert, so right away, nightmare. Pure fucking nightmare. What happens next is what I get for watching her tit get puked on: She starts walking over the audience on giant stilts and pretends to shit out those giant, uncooked tubes of raw sausages you see at butcher’s shop, so interpret that however you like because I’ve already settled on an unrequited love for Photo Boy meets brain tumor. Naturally, or unnaturally based on the ending of that last sentence, I start flipping out. Which doesn’t sit well with her because it turns out we’re dating, and now I’m on the end of an hysterical phone call about how I don’t “respect her art” which is when my brain decides it’s time to wake up. Not from the nightmare of getting raw sausage shat on my face by Lady GaGa, but from the unparalleled torture of listening to an emotional woman. That’s the hitting the pavement moment. This is what this job has done to my mind, so I hope you bastards are hap- oh god, now I’m the woman! *jumps out window*

superficial

  1. Fish, when you wake up, you’re not shouting “Long live the new flesh,” are you? *deletes TMZ from TiVo*

  2. My celebrity dreams usually involve an inordinate amount of spent shell casings on the ground and I wake up with a wet spot on the sheets and the acrid smell of burnt gunpowder in my nose.

    • Also, I’m not sure the sausage shitting on stilts needs an interpretation, it just sounds like the usual Gaga stuff. It’s like if you were dreaming of Britney and you were sticking frunch fries up her hoo-ha while on a rotating big mac bed.

  3. Cock Dr

    Jeezus, it’s nearly 12 minutes long. What kind of attention spans for crapolla does the blogger think his readership has?

  4. Somewhere Madonna is doing a slow clap.

  5. poop

    it’s Gaga. not GaGa. what is this 2008?

  6. Kimmykimkim

    I’m about to watch this crap only because I like my hatred for certain things to at least be informed hatred.

    • Kimmykimkim

      Clusterfuckery. Why put two extra shitty songs in the beginning of a video for a completely different shitty song? Too much dumb shit going on and completely unmemorable. Like, I JUST watched it and I can’t even remember what I just saw. Except a whole lot of new nose. I liked her better before she started fucking with her face.

      • I watched the first 7 minutes on mute. Then I scanned the credits real quick to see if the “God” type character was James Van Der Beek. Anyways. All I remember was Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Jesus were in there.

      • Swearin

        And yet, none of those were the most offensive thing in the video; that honor goes to the Real Housewives

  7. emma watson's Vagina

    it was an interesting video. and yes it is 11 minutes and 4 or so of it is actually credits. nothing but boring credits.

    from what I have seen a lot of her story lines. she draws a lot of her stuff from goth themes, as well as some Hellenistic and Strega pagan religions. if she really has problems with guys understanding her creative talent then she should fuck a fan or someone that is from these scenes.

    Celebrity dreams earliest was I was sent to Limbo (the place outside of Hell ) and there was Ronnie James Dio and his wife laughing at me.(and this was way way before he died.).

    for sexual ones it was Neil Gaiman ordering me to b a sex slave to Fairuza Balk.

  8. buzz

    That arrow is NOT through her tit. Absolutely no idea what the fuck she is singing about. Gaga needs a wiki explanation for her weird song.

  9. EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

    Enough with the conceptual performance art BULLSHIT. I fucking hate McDonna but I’m starting to form a kinship with her just because of this untalented skank. At least McDonna KNEW she was a skank and didn’t try to pretend she was Salvador Dali.

  10. I have a male friend that loves Gaga and he is heterosexual. The more I try to bust his balls about her “artistic” videos, the more he insist I don’t understand. Ok what is it that I don’t understand? I’m old in terms of music videos should have the band singing and playing regardless of the crazy shit going on in the background.

  11. Expecting Fish’s description of his nightmare to be Gaga’s next music video.

  12. Art for stupid people.

  13. o'chunt

    So, she directed that video herself? Explains a lot.

  14. I’m not watching that. I don’t care for music videos any more. Besides, I want to fuck Gaga, not listen to her.

  15. As far as I’m concerned, if I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.

  16. I wear women's shoes

    Hearst Castle looks so bad ass. Has anyone been? Would it be worth the drive down? I wish they still let people swim in the pool (besides gaga that is.)

  17. ‘Haus of Gaga’? The pretentious piece of shit hasn’t even started yet and I already hope she gets run over by a steamroller.

  18. Swearin

    This video reminds me of “The Prisoner”, that movie about the dude who wakes up on a wierd, opulent island where people only have numbers, not names, and it’s run by a bizzare but cultured overlord. Only this has more drugs and half-naked people.

    And not that anyone cares, but my first celebrity dream was Kathy Ireland just getting out of the shower, putting on a tiny pink bathrobe, then we do it on her bed.

    • MarketingMike

      Funny thing you mentioned Kathy Ireland. I met her at a trade show
      in Las Vegas in 1994. This was when she was in her prime, very
      very attractive. She was at a booth, where you could have your
      picture taken “with Kathy”. They had a big screen on the camera
      so they could pose you with her, and they cranked out a very nice 8×10″
      picture in about 3 minutes. The thing I remember about her is,
      in person, she didn’t look anything like she does on camera.
      When I walked up to the booth I didn’t even recognize her, she
      was very plain looking. But, the second she stepped in front
      of the camera, she was the Kathy that we all remember. I
      remember standing there looking directly at her, and looking
      at the screen at the back of the camera, and she looked completely
      different, like a different person. Either way she was very hot,
      but the camera made her. Blew me away…

  19. thecrazybetty

    I couldn’t take it. watched less than half and had to tune out. ugh… I don’t even know what is going on with this shitty shit.

    my celebrity dream used to always be about rod stewart and we were in the top bunk bed…

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