Kristen Stewart Wrote A Poem

February 12th, 2014 // 86 Comments

I’m going to be honest here. I know next to nothing about poetry and would immediately zone out during any part of any class when it was time to read or write it. I even dated an English major who tried her damnedest to get me into it, but she also could orgasm just by touching her nipples which is like giving a six-year-old a GameBoy while you’re trying to teach him Shakespeare. Anyway, I have absolutely no fucking clue whether or not the Internet is in any position to lose its mind over Kristen Stewart‘s poem in Marie Claire and declare it the worst shit ever written. So let’s all read it together, and we’ll compare notes at the end:

My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole

I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black
Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen
Thrown down to strafe your foothills
… I’ll suck the bones pretty.
Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps
Spray painted everything known to man,
Stream rushed through and all out into
Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck
Through our windows boarded up
He hit your flint face and it sparked.

And I bellowed and you parked
We reached Marfa.
One honest day up on this freedom pole
Devils not done digging
He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle
And this pining erosion is getting dust in
My eyes
And I’m drunk on your morsels
And so I look down the line
Your every twitch hand drum salute
Salutes mine…

Okay, I have written down, “Ha ha ha ‘suck the bones,’” and “Last part about riding dick??” because I thought that last part was about riding a dick. Did I do good?

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INFdaily


  1. Annie

    I take this over anything that Shia Labeouf is doing at any time.

  2. Beltliner

    This is the literary version of LeBeef walking around with a bag over his head.

  3. cc

    Me knees askew,
    Your tongue most expressive,
    My aching face skyward,
    Fucking paps

  4. Jennyfurr

    I don’t bathe, I don’t smile, I can’t act, I hate you all. – A poem by KStew

  5. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Commented on this photo:

    Hi Jugghead.

  6. jon and kate plus hate

    the meaning of this poem is clear, it is the same message over and over again…..”fuck your wife…fuck your wife…fuck your wife…go down on me”

  7. What the fuck was that? It sucked. I bet she was high when she wrote it. We know she’s a pothead.

  8. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    What the fuck is this?

  9. MD2020

    Can we get some more details about nipple-orgasm ex-girlfriend?

    • MarketingMike

      Kristin is a snarky bitch, with no talent and no breasts.
      Please, tell us more about Nympho nipple chick…

  10. Visible Ink

    If art is the window into the soul of an artist we should definitely board up this window.

  11. my pee hole
    your drink hole
    melting together
    this is a nice limo

  12. Hugh G. Rection

    I don’t understand poetry either, but I like the part about sucking bones and organ pumps.

  13. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    “I made a poem!”

    Really, though, if that’s the shit going through her head on a daily basis, no wonder she’s frowning all the time. Don’t get near this one unless she’s already drunk.

    Randal, Ms. Stewart needs your help.

  14. maciu

    i didnt like it. But you can bet your ass that there are some people you can argue that it is in fact a great piece of art… and its easy to do it with something so abstract, so up-its-own-ass.
    For me, it´s just another poem about desolation, sexuality, power and all those themes that are over explored nowadays. But, if you like it, more power to ya!

    • Visible Ink

      You actually understood some of this?! She lost me at ‘I reared digital moonlight’. Which I assumed was some new, kinky sex toy you can plug in your computer to have anal sex with someone over the internet.

  15. Ha, when this shows up in my inbox, Gmail directs it to the SPAM folder. Correctly:

    Thrown down to strafe your foothills
    … I’ll suck the bones pretty.
    Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps
    Spray painted everything known to man,

  16. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    January Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Jesus Christ, doesn’t she ever smile?

  17. JC

    My name is KStew, slag of slags:
    Mouth on my vulva, ye Mighty, and divorce!

  18. ace11

    She must be a wild cat in the sack

    So young and fresh

  19. Her words flutter and flit, spoken confetti,
    flashes and bits and colors and flight,
    whose rhythm and pattern and purpose elude me.
    This is how all women sound to me
    when they’re telling me about “their day.”

    • MarketingMike

      Yes Dear, I understand Dear, I love you so much Baby…..
      If you’ve ever been married, you’ve heard a version of that poem.
      You learn how to block it out pretty quickly, and look interested.

      It’s the same as when you are having passionate sex, reach climax,
      and she looks over and slowly says those 4 magic words…
      “Are you done yet?”

  20. Kismet is a noun, not a verb. I hope the money she spent on Jewels’ poetry workshop is refundable.

  21. So it seems though your one career highlight

    Is doing a vampire in Twilight

    You need pay no dues

    Nor come close to a muse

    Yet they’ll pretend it’s as though you might write

    • Kristen's Biggest Fan

      I once met an Actress named Kristen,
      who’s lips moved quite fast like a Piston.
      She screwed a Director who chose to neglect her,
      and since her Career has been pissed on.

  22. I’m not exactly a literary or art critic, but I think like most of these endeavors, the writer/artist’s name has more of an influence in the perceived quality than the actual merit of the work.

    What I’m saying is if that shit poem was a lost track from the In Utero sessions it would be considered genius.

    • CrashHell

      No, I believe the consensus among everyone would be, “Damn Kurt, stop raping your thesaurus!”

    • You mean In Utero as in Nirvana’s “In Utero”? If so, then you’re probably right, but Kurt Cobain was fucking genius unlike Kristen here.

      • I agree. But I think most of Cobain’s lyrics would be dismissed as amateur shitty nonsense if they didn’t have Cobain’s name attached.

        My main point here is art is too subjective for people to really grasp and it’s easier to grasp onto the artist than the art when you are really just feeling around in a cloud of your own farts.

        That said, the poem above is shit. And Tourette’s is a great song.

      • Yeah. Tourette’s is a great song. Nirvana is one of the best rock bands of all time. I can still listen to “Nevermind” without skipping a song today.

    • Using an adverbial form of “kismet” makes Morrisette’s understanding of Irony seem relatively deep.

  23. Her poetry reminds me of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’s Vogon poetry…

  24. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    We’ve known several people who write poetry like this, as part of their hellish rehab stays.
    Tell us more about the woman who had orgasms from having her nipple touched.

  25. Roses are Red
    Violets are Blue
    You’re a bitch

  26. The Most Interesting

    Somewhere, a 12 year old girl just orgasmed, and has no idea why.

  27. Just this once

    Poetry always sounds like the stuff I read on foreign sites when I select “translate this page”

  28. LiteratureCritic

    it is shit. No rhythm, images not convincing. Nothing anybody except herself can relate to.

  29. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Commented on this photo:

    A couple of half-dyke, skanky ex-celebs,
    bitching about (insert topic here)

  30. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Commented on this photo:

    One of them is known for blowing an A lister,
    the other for blowing her career….

  31. As a professor of English Literature at McGill University, I am qualified to analyze this poem. It is pure dog shit.

  32. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Commented on this photo:

    Roses are red
    Violets are green
    Your twat stinks like
    My grandpa’s Brylcreem

  33. Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
    Thy micturitions are to me,
    As plurdled gabbleblotchits,
    On a lurgid bee,
    That mordiously hath blurted out,
    Its earted jurtles,
    Into a rancid festering confectious organ squealer. [drowned out by moaning and screaming]
    Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles,
    Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts,
    And living glupules frart and slipulate,
    Like jowling meated liverslime,
    Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turling dromes,
    And hooptiously drangle me,
    With crinkly bindlewurdles,
    Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don’t.

  34. Reading this through I just realized that’s 120 seconds of my life I will never get back. Thanks a lot, Kristen, thanks a lot.

  35. Oh, what a tangled web we weave
    When you nom on my box in the front of your car.

  36. piper

    There once was a girl from LA,
    Who had everything going her way.
    But she got really bored,
    And was looking to score,
    So she had a married man lick her vajay.

  37. “Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps
    Spray painted everything known to man,
    Stream rushed through and all out”
    By the sounds of it, I do believe she’s a squirter.

  38. “Kismetly ” ?????

    Is that even a word?

  39. My love is like a red red Trotsky.

    What random word generator did she use, because I’m trying to make a card for my mum.

  40. guest

    Looking over these comments and wondering why so many who clearly are not Kristen Stewart fans are sooooooo hung up on her cheating scandal that took place almost 2 years ago! I can’t stand any of the Kardashians so I avoid any mention of them at all costs. Why bother investing the time to leave an insulting comment about someone you can’t stand? Unless your life sucks so badly that insulting someone you don’t even know personally and pointing out an unpleasant incident that occurred 2 years ago makes you feel better about your shitty life.

    • Nut bra

      Leave my shitty life alone and get back to your shitty life. I mean you came here to write what you did….no?

  41. renotastic

    Looks like someone got the Vapid Whore Magnetic Poetry Set in their stocking.

  42. jlv

    It’s quite funny how many Kristen Stewart haters have bothered to comment here. It’s even funnier that some even spent time actually writing their own poems to spew hate towards a girl who made a mistake almost 2 years ago and paid a steep price for it. If I hated someone so much I wouldn’t have even clicked on an article they were the subject of. I know nothing about poetry, and I don’t really understand what she wrote, but I wouldn’t know if it were good or not, and neither do most of you!

    • You already said that. Why didn’t you just agree with yourself under your first comment? Also, I think there are classes you can attend to improve your poetry, Kristen. :)

  43. Beer Baron

    Jesus Christ. Angsty seventh graders think that shit is terrible.

  44. dreamcrusher

    I’m pretty sure this chick’s cooter smells like the dumpster behind the Red Robin.


  45. Margaret

    she does suck the bones pretty.

    pretty-ish, anyway.

  46. Nut bra

    Roses are red
    violets are blue
    I’m Kristen Stewart
    …annnnnddd fuck you
    *pulls trademark scowl*

  47. yenjvoy

    I’m sure she’s the kind of bitch that says Poam (like foam).

  48. Dr.J

    Man? Really? Famous people. That was fucking gay. Nice try to be like ee cummings, or some shit. BOOOOOOOO. Really though, empirically. That was super gay. But I bet everyone at Marie Claire was like, That. Was. A-mayyyzing. Everyone sucks. What’s the point. This world’s dumb.

  49. Kristen Stewart Legs Booty Shorts Chanel Show Fashion Week Paris
    Commented on this photo:

    And the winner of Pantless Top Chef 2014…Samantha Ronson!

  50. Poets Love Kristen

    Open Letter to Kristen Stewart

    (Poet and actor Antonin Artaud.)

    Dear Kristen Stewart,

    I’m a poet and professor at UCLA, and thought you might be interested in what some of my poet friends (most of whom also teach and are otherwise very accomplished) and I have been writing on Facebook about your recent poem published in Marie Claire. This is partly to address the apparently universal opinion by journalists – most of whom seem to not know anything about literature – that this is a terrible poem.

    My own initial post went like this: “The second stanza isn’t horrible. Worst part of the poem are those awful adjectives! Stupid Beats.” What I meant by this was that the words “digital” (applied to moonlight), “scrawled” when linked to “neon” (neon is a much overused word by poets who want to sound like Beatniks) and “abrasive” (applied to organ pumps) weren’t working for me. I also didn’t like the word “ubiquitously” especially since everything up until that point was in the singular – ubiquitously seems to suggest some sort common element among many parts. Not a big fan of “Whilst” either.

    But I thought the second stanza was very delicate with sound play – “parked” and “Marfa” are good off-rhymes (I heard the word “barf” in there somehow) and there is some nice alliteration in “Devils not done digging / He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle / and this pining erosion…” etc. And I like the broken syntax and quick movements in perspective – there’s little to no punctuation and most people can’t pull that off. And the line “He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle” is very evocative to me – and seems to explain some of the eccentricities of syntax and vocabulary in the first verse!

    Anyway, so some of the other comments that came in here quite interesting. I’m not going to give the poets’ names since I haven’t asked their permission for this (I’m writing this quite quickly), but a female poet in New York wrote: “I don’t think it’s bad at all. It’s better than 90 percent of the poems in the first batch of my intro to creative writing class. I just read three different poems about a football game. Three different young men.”

    Another poet here in Los Angeles – he studied linguistics and works at Google – wrote “For someone who never went to high school, I think ‘Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps’ shows a pretty promising imagination.” I think what he means is that there is genuinely Surrealist element in the first stanza – “abrasive organ pumps” could have been written by Antonin Artaud – and has some real shock value. This same poet wrote (in response to some negative commentary on the FB feed):

    Not sure why folks are hating on this poem. It’s young, but the more I read it, the more I like it. For someone just starting out, it isn’t overly freighted with expectations of what a poem should do or be. If it’s ‘beat’, it’s more Bolinas or young Bernadette than hortatory elder beat. That first line is weird and inspired. And moonlight strafing the foothills, nicely observational.

    [“Bernadette” is Bernadette Mayer, a prominent New York poet associated with the Lower East Side.]

    Another poet wrote: “I like the title!” That’s pretty cool since I’m not sure if I can get behind the title (unless I read it as extremely pop/campy in that Jeff Koons way). He actually wrote earlier on his own FB feed that he liked the title (that’s where I learned about your poem).

    The defenses continued to role in, even for the unusual adverbs. One poet, a teacher at a prominent college and co-editor of a major publisher of poetry, wrote: “Hm. I actually like the weirdness and energy and if you’re going to have an adverb at all why not go with ‘kismetly.’ I say go for it Ms. Stewart.”

    This same poet later wrote – in response to a post that compared you to James Franco (Franco’s writing took a lot of digs on our feed, with no defenders): “No, honey, this is yards better than the few Franco pieces I’ve seen. But there’s lots of different types of poets and poems in the world.”

    You found your strongest defender in a poet, editor and teacher at a major university in the Midwest. She wrote:

    I actually think this poem is TERRIFIC. I guess there’s something wrong with me. It has a great punchy energy, it’s strange, and I never know where it’s going next. I would put stars all over this poem if it were turned in in my class… Also the language isn’t boring – kismetly and ubiquitously have a nice feel to them. I think this is pretty great.

    So you see, there are a lot of qualities to your poem that really come out when you think about them. I’ve come around to liking your strange adverbs, and love it when people invent words. (The great Russian poet Mayakovsky once wrote that the creation of a neologism is a revolutionary act.)

    My advice would be – if you really want to do something with poetry – is stay away from that terrible tendency in Hollywood (not just among actors writing, but mostly) to litter your poems with decadent sex and booze stories – Charles Bukowski is not the only one to have ever written a poem, and happily, much as I like him, your poem has none of his qualities. It seems that a lot of male actors in L.A. when they get down to publishing – and they usually publish way too much – seem to think they have to prove they know what a bad hangover or an abusive relationship is.

    I would also suggest that you read a lot of crazy shit – i.e. look at the Surrealists and even earlier French poets, some of the more “experimental” work in the U.S. (I could help you with that), read philosophy if you have the time, books about insects and ancient cultures and Japanese horror movies and roofed bridges and, well, anything – it can all go into a poem provided you really care about what you are reading. Conversely, don’t be afraid to be small – William Carlos Williams wrote a major poem about a cat that was only 27 words long.

    And lastly, don’t be hung up with trying to make your poems make too much sense. Yes, you don’t want to sound deranged (necessarily, though Arthur Rimbaud argued for just that – but he wasn’t being trailed by paparazzi) or like you have no control over the language. Actually, it’s good to have language have some control over you – I think that’s what we all liked about this poem, you were really going with it.

    With enough revision, you can make a poem that has a clear emotional intent without necessarily telling a story or having a clear “message.” An American example would be Hart Crane – many of his poems would (to a journalist) appear completely impenetrable and gibberish, but those of us that love him know exactly what he means. But you can find a lot of examples of this in the movies – David Lynch, obviously, was never kept up at night wondering if everyone understood what his movies were trying to “say.”

    I think you were really brave to publish this poem, especially in a magazine in which you can’t merely hide behind their literary credentials to help it pass. Keep going!

    Kismetly yours, Brian Kim Stefans (and a bunch of other poets)

    • Thanks so much for helping to underscore the reasons people have trouble taking a Liberal Arts degree seriously. The thing about writing something incomprehensible is that it offers the reader a choice: I can acknowledge I am reading gibberish and appear mean, or I can pretend there is something between the lines, note an almost inevitable combination of consonants and vowels that in one of a hundred ways creates something that can be willfully construed as interesting, and thus appear nice. (Or maybe “kind” is more appropriate.) You cite Rimbaud, oblivious to the image of him sitting in the back of the room, drunk off his ass, yelling, “Shit! This is Shit!” at just this sort of pretentious half-formed nonsense. He would have thrown a bottle at this woman, yet you cite him as support. The only reason we are talking about this poem is because she is famous. Remove her fame, and the poem is suddenly reduced to what it is: crap.

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