Kristen Stewart Banned From Robert Pattinson’s ‘Cosmopolis’ Premiere

Now that her black heart has sent a wounded Robert Pattinson into the perpetually-pregnant arms of Reese Witherspoon for comfort, Kristen Stewart is banned from the premiere of Cosmopolis even though no one can get a straight answer if Robert Pattinson is even showing up for it or not. All they hear when they call him is, “It’s stabbing me! Her chin is stabbing me! OH GOD!” so who the hell knows what that means? British people talk funny. RadarOnline reports:

“Despite the fact Robert and Kristen have been communicating by cell phone, she will not be at the Cosmopolis New York premiere,” a source said.
“Security was briefed and they were told that Kristen is not allowed anywhere near the red carpet or the after party.
“The decision was made because Robert just doesn’t want to see her. There were fears that she could use it as a chance to talk to him in person and that sort of drama is not wanted at the premiere.
“There’s also the fact that if she did attend, it would distract from the film premiere itself and the movie bosses are not interested in that sort of publicity.”

“So just to be safe, security tossed a bag of weed down a deep canyon and are pretty sure they saw her rappelling after it. Unless, of course, it was just another one of those smug albino spider monkeys, in which case, we’re going to need everyone to lock the backseat of their cars. That’s where she strikes.”


I don’t know why I included this, or even found it amusing, yet here we are.

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