Kris Jenner Wants To Manage Honey Boo Boo Now

“You know what this post needs to give it moxie? Sasquatch tits. Make it happen.” – Me, five minutes ago to a room full of execs who’ll do anything for a shot at that penis joke brass ring.

Despite horribly insulting her show by calling it the same exact thing as Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kris Jenner wants to manage Honey Boo Boo now. Because if there’s one thing white trash is good at, it’s diabetes never reading voting Republican meth-based entrepreneurship being on Teen Mom falling ass-backward into gold and/or shooting it out of their yard with a shotgun, but only the black version of it “which is just as good, just as good…” Kris Jenner said as thoughts of another Kim wedding danced with sugar plums in her head. Via Hollywood Life:

Kris is trying to convince the Thompson family to meet with her to discuss her big plans for them. “Kris realized that they could be a gold mine,” an insider tells the magazine. “The Thompsons don’t really have any professional representation outside of TLC, and Kris thinks she can get them some serious endorsements and more money from the network. They’re getting a fraction of what Kate Gosselin got.”

While my immediate reaction is to call Kris Jenner a soulless money-sucking whore-tamer forged in the whore-fires of whore-hell, I just remembered a recent report I read in the Enquirer which suddenly makes a whole lot of sense now:

The abduction threats are particu­larly worrisome because police were summoned to the family’s home to inves­tigate a possible break-in on Aug. 27.
“Nothing was stolen that they know of, but the police take every threat very seriously,” said the source. “They warned the family that who­ever broke into the home may have been casing the place for a future kid­nap attempt by someone convinced that TLC would pay a huge ransom for their newest little star.”

“Aw, no way, mom got us our own pot-bellied pig girl that chews through Mountain Dew cans! Guess we oughta make those sex tapes like she asked now.” That’s right, Kendall & Kylie, let mommy pull those puppet strings. Pull those puppet strings all the way to the ban- Oh, God, who forgot to feed Khloe?! “ROOOOARRRRRR!!”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News