Kirsten Dunst is pregnant

Rumors are spreading that Kirsten Dunst is pregnant, after she was photographed checking out prenatal vitamins with her sex lover, Jake Gyllenhaal. And believe me, I threw up three or four times just trying to type out that last sentence. I don’t know if you know this, but Kirsten Dunst is horribly unattractive, so you can imagine my horror when I found out that somebody had enough sex with her to possibly get her pregnant. I’d imagine that after Jake did it with her once, he would have realized that putting his penis into a disgusting troll monster would be bad news. The only explanation I can come up with is that Kirsten Dunst faked her pregnancy after their first sex session and is holding it over Jake to get more loving. That’s kind of stretching it though, since everybody knows humans and troll monsters can’t have babies together. It would be like a monkey getting an alligator pregnant. An ugly, pebble-toothed, troll-faced alligator, who’s supposedly 23 but looks 48.