The Whores Had a Whore Wedding: Here’s How Much They Whored

Oh, look, someone got them a white Tiger Woods as a wedding gift. Lucky.

If you’ve somehow managed to avoid the fact that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got “married” this weekend, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got “married” this weekend. I’m going to try and give this thing as minimal as coverage as possible so that years from now, no one is citing it as a monumental moment in pop culture, but instead lump it into this sentence: “And that’s when society collectively realized reality TV is horseshit paving the way for first contact.” On that note, here’s their haul for a day’s filming which is all this was, another hour – or in this case two hours – of filler. Via The Hollywood Reporter:

Exclusive photos of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to NBA player Kris Humphries were sold to People magazine for $1.5 million, according to insiders. The weekly shelled out $300,000 to the couple for their engagement announcement in May, and bested several other publications in a bidding war for the ceremony pics.
Britain’s OK! magazine paid $100,000 for exclusive bridal shower coverage.
These high-priced deals, coupled with freebies bartered in exchange for promotion, make Kardashian one of the rare brides who will actually bring in more for her wedding than she paid for it. Saturday’s ceremony has been estimated to cost at least half a million dollars but those costs are offset by items such as a free, $20,000 Vera Wang gown and a lucrative deal with E! for the two-part Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event special.

In their defense, I’d probably pretend to marry someone too for that amount of money. And I say pretend because by all accounts they’ve met the legal definition of marriage, but don’t for one second believe this was anything but a manufactured, scripted storyline where Kris Humphries answered the casting call. – I’m still trying to figure out how much they gave Lamar Odom to act like the Wookiee is his wife, along with how little the NBA is paying players now. (So far my calculations round out to a drawing of a cookie.) – Because, seriously, the only thing genuine at this wedding was Kendall and Kylie Jenner’s noses and that’s giving these people such a generous benefit of the doubt that even I’m starting to think I’m on their payroll. – *slaps self in the face, calls self a filthy whore* – And you know how I really know this thing was bullshit? Justin Bieber bailed on it because the “Maple Christ shall not sully one’s maple self with the charades of man – unless there be poppin’ and lockin’, yo.” (Justinlonians 5:19) Even better, Maplesiah went to Hershey Park with Selena Gomez instead, and as someone who’s made that journey several times in my youth just to get laid, I can safely say that Hershey Park blows. Although, it is better than having this conversation:

SELENA: Whose wedding is this again?
JUSTIN: Eh, some girl that used to jerk me off for publicity.
SELENA: Oh. I’m going to respond to that favorably. [Ed. Note: She’s not.]

Of course, probably the best thing to come out of this whole production is the text Ray J sent Kim the day of her wedding, according to RadarOnline:

“And to think you really have me to thank for all this ;-)” a source tells us Ray J texted the bride!

Read: Remember when I peed on you? Like money in the bank. (For those of you scratching your heads because you Googled Kim Kardashian’s wedding and somehow landed here – apologies, by the way – Kim Kardashian is only famous because she sold her own sex tape under the guise of pretending it was leaked which originally included a golden shower scene that Vivid removed per the bill of sale. And it landed her a husband! A fake one, but Jennifer Love Hewitt won’t look that gift horse in the mouth. “Do I put a tarp down first?” she’s probably wondering.)

And because the Kardashians are reading all their press this morning, I’ve translated the entire post into their native tongue for easier reading. Consider it my gift to Kim.

Kardashian Translation

Whore, whore, whore whore whore. Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore. Whore.

Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore Kim Kardashian whore Kris Humphries whore whore whore whore, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries whore whore whore whore. Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore. The Hollywood Reporter

Whore Kim Kardashian’s whore whore Kris Humphries whore whore People magazine whore 1.5 whore wampum, whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore.
Whore OK! magazine whore 100,000 whore wampum whore whore.
Whore whore whore Kardashian whore whore whore. Whore whore whore $20,000 whore wampum Vera Wang gown whore whore whore E! whore whore whore Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event whore.

Whore whore whore whore – Whore whore Lamar Odom e wanga Wookiee – whore whore whore Kendall whore Kylie Jenner whore. Whore whore whore Justin Bieber whore Selena Gomez whore whore whore. Whore whore whore:

SELENA: Whore whore whore.
JUSTIN: Whore whore whore whore whore.
SELENA: Whore. Whore whore whore whore. [Whore whore: Whore whore whore.]

Whore whore whore whore whore. Whore whore Ray J whore whore whore RadarOnline:

I’m tired of writing whore, he says you owe him for pissing on you and making you famous.

Photos: Fame, Splash News