The Whores Had a Whore Wedding: Here’s How Much They Whored

August 22nd, 2011 // 59 Comments

Oh, look, someone got them a white Tiger Woods as a wedding gift. Lucky.

If you’ve somehow managed to avoid the fact that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got “married” this weekend, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got “married” this weekend. I’m going to try and give this thing as minimal as coverage as possible so that years from now, no one is citing it as a monumental moment in pop culture, but instead lump it into this sentence: “And that’s when society collectively realized reality TV is horseshit paving the way for first contact.” On that note, here’s their haul for a day’s filming which is all this was, another hour – or in this case two hours – of filler. Via The Hollywood Reporter:

Exclusive photos of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to NBA player Kris Humphries were sold to People magazine for $1.5 million, according to insiders. The weekly shelled out $300,000 to the couple for their engagement announcement in May, and bested several other publications in a bidding war for the ceremony pics.
Britain’s OK! magazine paid $100,000 for exclusive bridal shower coverage.
These high-priced deals, coupled with freebies bartered in exchange for promotion, make Kardashian one of the rare brides who will actually bring in more for her wedding than she paid for it. Saturday’s ceremony has been estimated to cost at least half a million dollars but those costs are offset by items such as a free, $20,000 Vera Wang gown and a lucrative deal with E! for the two-part Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event special.

In their defense, I’d probably pretend to marry someone too for that amount of money. And I say pretend because by all accounts they’ve met the legal definition of marriage, but don’t for one second believe this was anything but a manufactured, scripted storyline where Kris Humphries answered the casting call. – I’m still trying to figure out how much they gave Lamar Odom to act like the Wookiee is his wife, along with how little the NBA is paying players now. (So far my calculations round out to a drawing of a cookie.) – Because, seriously, the only thing genuine at this wedding was Kendall and Kylie Jenner‘s noses and that’s giving these people such a generous benefit of the doubt that even I’m starting to think I’m on their payroll. – *slaps self in the face, calls self a filthy whore* – And you know how I really know this thing was bullshit? Justin Bieber bailed on it because the “Maple Christ shall not sully one’s maple self with the charades of man – unless there be poppin’ and lockin’, yo.” (Justinlonians 5:19) Even better, Maplesiah went to Hershey Park with Selena Gomez instead, and as someone who’s made that journey several times in my youth just to get laid, I can safely say that Hershey Park blows. Although, it is better than having this conversation:

SELENA: Whose wedding is this again?
JUSTIN: Eh, some girl that used to jerk me off for publicity.
SELENA: Oh. I’m going to respond to that favorably. [Ed. Note: She's not.]

Of course, probably the best thing to come out of this whole production is the text Ray J sent Kim the day of her wedding, according to RadarOnline:

“And to think you really have me to thank for all this ;-)” a source tells us Ray J texted the bride!

Read: Remember when I peed on you? Like money in the bank. (For those of you scratching your heads because you Googled Kim Kardashian’s wedding and somehow landed here – apologies, by the way – Kim Kardashian is only famous because she sold her own sex tape under the guise of pretending it was leaked which originally included a golden shower scene that Vivid removed per the bill of sale. And it landed her a husband! A fake one, but Jennifer Love Hewitt won’t look that gift horse in the mouth. “Do I put a tarp down first?” she’s probably wondering.)

And because the Kardashians are reading all their press this morning, I’ve translated the entire post into their native tongue for easier reading. Consider it my gift to Kim.

Kardashian Translation

Whore, whore, whore whore whore. Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore. Whore.

Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore Kim Kardashian whore Kris Humphries whore whore whore whore, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries whore whore whore whore. Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore. The Hollywood Reporter

Whore Kim Kardashian’s whore whore Kris Humphries whore whore People magazine whore 1.5 whore wampum, whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore.
Whore OK! magazine whore 100,000 whore wampum whore whore.
Whore whore whore Kardashian whore whore whore. Whore whore whore $20,000 whore wampum Vera Wang gown whore whore whore E! whore whore whore Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event whore.

Whore whore whore whore – Whore whore Lamar Odom e wanga Wookiee – whore whore whore Kendall whore Kylie Jenner whore. Whore whore whore Justin Bieber whore Selena Gomez whore whore whore. Whore whore whore:

SELENA: Whore whore whore.
JUSTIN: Whore whore whore whore whore.
SELENA: Whore. Whore whore whore whore. [Whore whore: Whore whore whore.]

Whore whore whore whore whore. Whore whore Ray J whore whore whore RadarOnline:

I’m tired of writing whore, he says you owe him for pissing on you and making you famous.

Photos: Fame, Splash News

superficial

  1. The Superficial Kid

    Noticed with extreme contempt all the hollywood phonies lining up to be part of the piss – whore’s wedding

  2. Can

    I’m sure the divorce papers are already on file with their respective attorneys.

  3. it had to be said

    Whore.

  4. That Bastard Tony

    I completely managed to avoid knowing about this, and I’m very proud of that fact.

    If I were the groom, I’d wear that ass out on the honeymoon since every married guy knows the sex will soon come to an end.

    • kimmykimkim

      I also proudly managed to avoid this. However if I were the groom, I’d kill her, her whole family and then myself.

      • That Bastard Tony

        lol wow kim. Way to keep it real. :)

        The scary part is if she drives him crazy enough, this could happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

  5. Norm

    Genius post!

  6. That Bastard Tony

    Hey Fish. If I were to do a proper narration of this article, would I do it with the same accent they used for the adult characters in the Peanuts cartoons?

  7. Do Freebird

    Good to see that Lurch has already been properly trained. Always walk 3 steps behind your Mistress.

  8. grobpilot

    So, Maplesiah went to Hershey Park? I wonder if he was excited or disgusted to learn that she would let him stuff his Holy Scepter up there?

  9. Deacon Jones

    @ Zoe Saldana post

    What kind of gun is that???

    And do you think that nut who has all those tatooes of her from “Avatar” all over his back is ready for this movie or what??

  10. Whore whore whore whore TheSuperficial whore whore whore whore whore McFeely Smackup whore whore whore whore.

  11. Cock Dr

    Wampum whore whore indeed.

  12. Facebook Me

    No doubt Kris Jenner, held Chris’s hand to that paper, signing an iron-clad pre-nup.

    • kimmykimkim

      Actually, Kris held “Kris’s” hand…yeah that’s not weird at all to “marry” a dude with the same name and spelling as your mother. In fact, it almost seems like he was hand picked for this shit.

  13. Kim Kardashian Wedding
    Facebook Me
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that her big ass check hanging out?

  14. Gary B

    used to say I’d give it two years but no looking I have to say they are perfect for each other. She s a realty show whore who s famous for a nasty sex tape. He s a player on a NBA team that SUCKS. More people probably attended that wedding that fans went to a sngle Nets game.

  15. slappy magoo

    Last week: “Sorry, fellas, she’s diseased!”
    This week: “Sorry, fellas, she’s married!”
    And yet somehow, life goes on.

  16. Queequeg

    Pigs with money are still pigs.

  17. Satan

    Tomorrow’s headline “Kardashian eats head of husband after mating.”

  18. Facebook Me

    And Vivid just offered Ray J movie rights to when he jerked it to news coverage of his ex-whore’s wedding. Nice deal he got. WIN!

  19. Kim Kardashian Wedding
    NYC I Banker
    Commented on this photo:

    TACKY ASS POST WEDDING DRESS! Her big ass check IS hanging out!

  20. Kim Kardashian Wedding
    NYC I Banker
    Commented on this photo:

    Her big ASS CHEEK (sp) is hanging out!

  21. Piper

    I wonder if Vivid retained exclusive rights to the upcoming honeymoon video or if they were outbid.

  22. allieb

    I laughed so much with this post, thanks for making my day better! BTW, they are all whores jajja.

  23. Dude of Dudes

    Is it acceptable to pee on her the first night of the honeymoon? Too soon?

  24. forrest gump

    they must have been sexuallly frustrated when she is marrying such a ZERO-LOOKALIKE!!
    …………just count the weeks she is NOT dumping him………….

  25. Clarence Beeks

    The money they made for the wedding will pay for the divorce lawyers in 2 years.

  26. Venom

    Whore. Could not have said it better.

  27. Kelce

    Tl;dr. Should have just said, “Two attention whores got married,” or “Our society is a piece of shit,” and we would have all known what it was about.

  28. Lily

    Cheers! Here’s hoping they want more publicity and off themselves. I’d love to watch her funeral televised.

  29. Tacoma Justin

    The white Tiger Woods line was one of the funniest I’ve read anywhere in quite some time.

  30. Gwennhaelle

    as a 19 year old French girl, I am genuinely happy and grateful to read such an article which is the perfect reminder of everything America still has to offer. Thank you, The Superficial Writer, for your delightful cynicism and bluntness and for having the balls of calling a whore…a whore. Amen to that.
    ps : Blake Lively has the face of a horse.

  31. Fletch

    If a wookie shits in the woods and nobody of any consequence is around, did it really happen?

  32. Shannyn

    ROFLMFAO!!!! I can’t wait for your next blog…that is just too hilarious & I fully agree. Kudos & thanks bunches for the endless giggles :)

  33. Kim Kardashian Wedding Kris Humphries
    TomFrank
    Commented on this photo:

    Kris Humphries looks like that werewolf kid from Twilight. Was it a good idea for Kim to marry her ass to someone who might turn violent at the sight of a “full moon”?

  34. 15piecesofflare

    Please God, let this be the beginning of the end of the Kardashian era? Has she peaked yet? Pretty please?

  35. KatieBee

    We’ve finally reached a point in our society where a woman who was filmed being urinated on by a man can shamelessly wear a white dress to her wedding. Smells like equality to me. Someone get Gloria Steinem on the horn.

  36. tlmck

    Anybody taking bets yet on how long it will be before Kris Kardashian pimps out the grand kids?

  37. TetterkeT

    Cuuuuuuurvaaaa…!!!

  38. gumption

    Is kim full of plastic surgery, brainless, and in desperate need of psychiatric intervention? Yes. Did Ray J pee on her? NO! http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/interviews/id.1094/title.ray-j-talk-like-sex
    And why does her nose always remind me of Beavis and Butthead when she doesnt have to professional make-up on? I mean what kind of plastic surgeons do you asshats have in Cali?

  39. Kim Kardashian Wedding Kris Humphries
    gumption
    Commented on this photo:

    Lurch is disgusting. He looks like he is a moron or partially retarded and too dumb to dress himself. He lives in white t-shirts and wrinkled khaki pants and carries a backpack around like he is waiting for the short bus. I dont see how someone that makes their living off of being full-blown dressed up at all times can be seen with this homeless looking man. I think I am just angry because he is hideous and he is in all the pictures now! I am tired of this charade!

  40. nope

    Perfect for our times. The daughter of a lawyer who sold his soul to uknow who to set a mutilating homicidal ex husband celebrity free.of any accountability phew…goes on to grow up into a self videoing whoresexzero. Mother pimps out whole family for bucks and all is plastic fakeand so easily absorbed into episodes to make it all okay while Ryan Seacrest empty whole pushes his clients like they are even worthy of the same oxygen as real,true people.

  41. HAHA, I love this! The whole family is a dirty whore!!! Kim K. is not even hot, she has an ass that I find absolutely ghetto disusting. The only men who would even touch her are gross themselves!

  42. your mom's mom

    HAHA
    this is the best wedding description i’ve ever read!

  43. bs

    WHORE WHORE WHORE, WHORE?

    WHORE WHORE :)

  44. Shadow warrior

    she kim kardashian is famous for being a whore and now her an d ehr nogood fam is socalled celebrities and reality tv royalty…someone take these phonie pieces of shit of the air already…kim is a whore and that’s afact, she and her family got no talent, no class, they’re very shallow,materialistic,superficial and 100% fake and stupid people is buying into their socalled kim kardashian brand….take them of the air and of the public circuit for good. kim is a bitch if she was never in paris’ little circle and she’d leak her sex tape no one would care so she should thank paris for getting her nasty ass in front of the tv cameras..I hate and despise hearing bout these pieces of fucking shit as the kardashian trash ass clan

  45. Kuntney Kuntrashian

    Kim is a pig, plain and true…..a paid prostitute: sex on video + money = prostitute……skank

Leave A Comment