Kim Kardashian’s Stolen Jewelry Was Melted Down, How Convenient

“Will drinking this baby’s blood really make me prettier than Kylie?”
“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”
“Goddammit, Mom, just answer the question.”
“Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress?”
“Alright, fuck you, I’m sitting in the cockpit.”

I remember the exact moment I started to personally believe – not report as fact, lawyers – that Kim Kardashian’s Paris robbery was a complicated insurance scam orchestrated by Kris Jenner, and it was the second I heard it happen. Right from the jump. Since then, we’ve watched her claim to be a “private person” who’s been so shook to her core that she kept secretly filming Keeping Up With The Kardashians and agreeing to film a cameo in a movie about a goddamn jewel heist. Now comes word that her stolen jewelry will never be recovered because it’s allegedly been melted down, so it looks like Kim Kardashian will have to settle for a metric butt-ton of money from her insurance company. Her life is so unfair, you guys. TMZ reports:

Paris law enforcement confirms to TMZ … one of the thieves in the October robbery confessed everything but the ring was melted down … because the robbers felt they’d be caught trying to sell the pieces.
According to Le Monde newspaper, the melted down bling was worth somewhere between $26k and $30k. Pretty shocking since the value of the melted down jewelry was $1.6 million.

While this is an interesting development, the important thing is that Kourtney Kardashian looks way hotter in a bikini and I would totally believe her if she said she was robbed. I’d bring her hot tea and a blanket and be like, “Tell me how this has fundamentally changed you as a person, Kourtney. I like waiting 25 minutes between bites of salad.”

*leans back in chair, puts arms behind head*

Now to watch them devour each other… muahaha! Muahahaha! MUAHAHAHA!

Island ting.

A photo posted by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on

(P.S. Kourtney took this in Costa Rica. Not an island.)

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