Iran Wants To Destroy Kim Kardashian
If I’m reading this right, apparently the Iranian government thinks Kim Kardashian’s Instagram is a threat to Islamic culture and is actively working to stop her, so I think I speak for everyone when I say let’s hope this escalates quickly. (No one say “suicide bomber” out loud. You’ll jinx it.) Via Vanity Fair:
While the idea of Kardashian as a secret agent might be absurd, the whole ordeal is no laughing matter: one famous Iranian entertainer was recently featured in what appears to be a forced confession, and the Revolutionary Guards say they have warned 170 individuals, 29 of whom are being targeted for prosecution.
“Ms. Kim Kardashian is a popular fashion model so Instagram’s C.E.O. tells her, ‘Make this native,’” the spokesman, Mostafa Alizadeh, said on an Iranian news program. “There is no doubt that financial support is involved as well. We are taking this very seriously.”
Of course, the only downside to this story is now I want Trump to be president because Hillary Clinton already sold her soul to the Kardashians whereas Donald has made it abundantly clear that he’d take a hard pass on that ass. I’m focused on the big picture.
“Mr. President, we demand you hand over the infidel Kim Kardashian at once.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you want. I don’t even like big butts. Now, you want to know who’s really hot? My daughter. I mean, wow, just perfect. I’d do her in a heartbeat.”
“This phone call has grossed us out. We’re hanging up now.”
“Wait, before you go, you want to know where to get the best falafel you’ve ever tasted? Trump Tower. Can’t beat ‘em. Drop by anytime. And if you see a guy in a dress coming out of the lady’s room, don’t worry about it. He won the Olympics.”