Kim Kardashian Is Suing Over Inside Job Claims

Remember how your day was going right up until now, when you weren’t reading about Kim Kardashian getting robbed and the million details sprouting out of that story’s rotten anus? Forget about that feeling. It’s all over now, because Kim is already suing people who are saying this was all an insurance scam, so you read this while I call our lawyer. Via TMZ:

Kim just filed a federal lawsuit against MediaTakeOut.com for 3 posts about her ordeal … one of which alleged there was evidence Kim “staged” the robbery. In the lawsuit, obtained by TMZ, Kim says the site used random people off social media as its sources.

The site also posted a story about “French authorities” suspecting Kim had actually “let the robbers in” the apartment. The final indignity, according to the suit by her lawyers Marty Singer and Andrew Brettler, was a post about Kim’s insurance claim. She says MediaTakeOut reported, “If she faked the robbery … she just committed a FEDERAL CRIME.”

Cool, he said, “Sir, this is Amazon customer service, I can’t offer you legal advice, but I can offer you an extended rental of How To Be Single for another 48 hours if you’d like to watch it again.” So, of course I took that deal, that film can’t be fully experienced in one sitting. Anyway, it looks like Kris Jenner is doing the classic con deflect by burying her detractors in lawsuits. Very clever, very Scientology. What else is going on with the case? What about that video that was supposed to be the big break?

Here’s what it shows … the robbers were fleeing on bicycles. Problem is … there’s no way to distinguish any facial features. We’re told the images are so blurry you can’t even tell if the robbers are still wearing masks.

Damn, if only they hadn’t been on bicycles! How were the cops even supposed to have a chance against that? Meanwhile, Khloe went on Ellen and said Kim’s “not doing well,” and that the whole family’s being more guarded on social media now, except someone didn’t give Kylie the memo, because she’s still posting bathroom mirror selfies that look like Vegas escort ads.

Morning

A photo posted by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on

And while Kylie’s already been programmed back into Distract With Butt Mode, Kim has been beefing up her security to even more ridiculous levels, because I assume it’s still too easy to guess which of the 15-car motorcade she’s in since it’s the one with all the ass spilling out the windows.

Sources close to Kim tell us … her new security detail includes former members of the Secret Service, who will be armed to the teeth.

There will be at least one team of 2 hired muscles (minimum) everywhere she goes. We’re also told her car will be “armored.”

We’re told after the Paris robbery Kim met with some ex-special force members from the Israeli army, ex-CIA agents as well as former Secret Service members. Kanye met with owners of 2 top security firms.

Former secret service members, huh? I wonder what the family code names will be? (Let’s not act like this was the entire reason for this post.)

Kim – BLOATUS
Kanye – Buttfinger
North – Blue Envy
Saint – Shit, There’s Two?

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