Kelly Brook likes to torture Billy Zane

Kelly Brook put on a new bikini and enjoyed some more of her St. Barts vacation with boyfriend Billy Zane yesterday. But apparently Kelly’s idea of a good time is cramming sand down Billy’s crotch, according to the Daily Mail:

Instead it was all good clean fun as Kelly took great delight shoving handfuls of wet sand inside Billy’s loose-fitting swimming shorts while he looked on somewhat bemused.

If I were Billy Zane, I’d look on bemusingly as well, if that were a word. By all normal laws of science he should be cleaning shoes at the bowling alley. Instead he’s got a busty British actress girlfriend that, yeah, maybe puts sand on his nads. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Very itchy sacrifices that will totally chafe afterwards. I should know. I dated a sandcastle artist once. My taint still feels like the Sahara.