So Katie Holmes Is Changing Suri’s Name Now

July 12th, 2012 // 122 Comments
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Probably because her name means “Daddy has lot of friends that are boys and if you see them taking showers together, give mommy two sleepy pills instead of one” in Xenu-ese, Katie Holmes is reportedly changing Suri Cruise‘s name because let’s just assume her part of the divorce settlement reads, “Can do whatever she wants as long as whatever she wants isn’t telling people Tom Cruise can’t fly. WHICH HE CAN. (Cross out that last part, and we’ll shoot you in the dick with telekinesis.)” Via Gawker:

Now reports that Katie “hates” the name Suri and has taken to calling her “Scout,” after the To Kill a Mockingbird character named for one of Demi Moore’s daughters. She also apparently wants to give Suri “Cruise” as a middle name and change her surname to “Holmes.”
Scout Cruise Holmes.

When reached for comment, Tom Cruise said, “Ha! You can’t rename a robot. What an id- I mean, uh, hey, I made that kid by putting my daddy part in Katie’s mommy part. (Please tell me I said that right.)”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Splash News


  1. So she is seriously thinking of changing the kids name to Scout? Stupid ass celebrities and their retarded kid names. She really seems to be trying to burn Tom or something.

  2. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    aww she’s a cutie (in a non-creepy way)

  3. Remind me again, which one of her parents is the crazy one.

  4. undercover

    “…“Scout,” after the To Kill a Mockingbird character named for one of Demi Moore’s daughters”

    Um….This is worded wrong. The To Kill a Mockingbird character was not named after Demi Moore’s daughter. Her daughter was named after the character.

  5. Lord Invader

    Not “nuvi”? Damn you, copyright laws!

  6. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow does she look like Katie here.

  7. umenglish

    For the record the character in “To Kill A Mockingbird” prob wasn’t named for DemiNs daughter, it was probably the other way around. Just throwing that out there.

  8. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    that guy is obviously an alien Scientology spy

  9. Dick Hell

    Nice inclusion of the Gawker quote to flush out all the irony deficient readers, Fish.

  10. Bob

    so we’re trusting a source that thinks Harper Lee named her character after Demi Moore’s kid? Seems legit.

  11. Jill

    Who knew this whole time that the look of steely detemination on Suri’s face was something she leanred from Katie.

  12. Abby Normal

    What was the name of Rosemary’s baby? That might be a good choice.

  13. Pat C.

    Does Suri have any say in what her name is supposed to be?
    In my family we call each other what the individual prefers to be called, not what we might prefer to call them (except the occasional “Dumbass”)

    • “Hey You” usually works in my family.

    • That sounds like a great system, Two Dogs Fucking.

    • “Because of my father, between the ages 7 through 15, I thought my name was ‘Jesus Christ.’ He’d say to me, ‘JESUS CHRIST!’

      “And my brother Russell thought his name was ‘Dammit.’ ‘Dammit, will you stop all that noise?! And Jesus Christ, SIT DOWN!’

      “So one day I’m out playing in the rain. My father said ‘Dammit, will you get in here?!’ I said, ‘Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!’ ”

      –Bill Cosby

  14. Sven Golly

    They should change her name to Surly, after Alec Baldwin’s daughter.

  15. Cock Dr

    A news source called ‘Gawker” must adhere to the highest standards of internet journalism; so this must be true.

  16. JC

    It’s been reported that a judge denied Katie’s first requested name change, which would have made her daughter’s full name “Scout ScientologyIsDumbAndGay Cruise Dawson Holmes.”

  17. Bloobs

    She must have something really dirty on Tom Cruise for him to let her do all this without complaining.

  18. Suri has always sounded to me like some brutal action verb in a space language, but Scout? SCOUT? Shit Katie, can’t you just take the house in Malibu?

    • I think Scout is a perfectly acceptable name. Of course, To Kill a Mockingbird is about my favorite movie of all time. And it is so well done that if you read the book it is almost like reading the script. Hey…at least she isn’t trying to change the kid’s name to Boo Radley!

  19. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    it must be shocking to give birth to an alien device

  20. Frank Burns

    I think its a great idea, and that everyone in the now-dissolved Cruise family should get a new name! Let’s all help out by offering some suggestions:

    Tom Cruise -> Baby Xenu Closet Dweller
    Katie Holmes -> Inmate No. 28392A, Escapee

  21. Archie Leach

    Giving someone a new identity after they’ve been rescued from a dangerous mind-fucking cult is the usual practice.

  22. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    “See how I have it eating out of my hand? That’s exactly how it went with Daddy the other day.”

  23. YagiSka

    She should just cut to the chase and name that kid Antichrist McSatanchild. Save us all the suspense, because you can see it in her eyes that she wants to be a devourer of worlds when she grows up.

  24. Dude of Dudes

    Well she sure as fuck wasnt naming this kid Rumer…..Oh the chinmanity.

  25. theoriginal LJ

    So some pap heard Katie call the kid “Scout” and now we have some filler for this afternoon.

    If she had said “Hey you, come here” to the kid would we then have a story about Katie naming the kid “U” after some mystical revelation?

    The name Suri is Hebrew in origin (not Scientology) and means Princess.

    • Which is news to anyone who actually speaks Hebrew – that misinformation is what Cruise’s PR team originally came up with. Suri is an eastern European variant of “Sarah”, but it’s not Hebrew, although it does sounds like the word for “bugger off”. In Persian it means “[red] rose”.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        I hope she changes it to Sarah, then. I hate Suri. It’s oogleh.

      • theoriginal LJ

        Only relating what my friend Suri (of Jewish lineage, not Scientology lineage) told me many years ago.

      • Then her family probably came from eastern Europe and settled here. Because everyone in Israel, where, um, they actually speak Hebrew, was laughing their collective asses off when they heard the “translation”.

  26. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Where did her nose go?

  27. The Royal Penis

    Too many “Yes Sireee!” jokes abound for the child to have any hope of a normal upbringing even without the closeted Xenu worshipper around.

    Good call on the name change Katie, you’re still a long way from ‘normal’…but just keep on keepin’ on with the baby steps.

  28. El Jefe

    This is horseshit. I really hope no one actually believes this.

  29. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    how come she always hides from the cameras? its strange …
    I never see any of the other celeb kids do that

  30. Turd Ferguson

    Because her life isn’t challenged enough with these two as parents, lets change the poor kids name. That shouldn’t fuck her up any more than she is now…

  31. anonym

    should have named her birtney. That would set her up for life….

  32. Brooke

    Scout is kind of a cute nickname, but at six it’s a bit late in the game to change your kid’s stupid Hollywood name from one to the other. I read a news article about a woman who named her kid Harold or something and then when he was in preschool had it legally changed to something “less stupid”. She changed it to… Ralph.

    I liked the Mockingbird book but Scout was just a nickname. Why not just give Suri that nickname? My dad called me “tiger” and “B” as a kid, but he never thought that needed to be my official name. He’s a dork but he’s not an asshole.

  33. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it just me or does it sound like the article is saying that the character scout in To Kill a Mockingbird was named after Demi Moores daughter?

  34. chris klein is the daddy

    When is chris klein gonna admit to being suri’s daddy? It is so obvious.

  35. Tammy

    I call bullshit on that one. Suri is 6 and I don’t think Katie would change her name at this age. More gossip as usual. If Katie really calls her Scout….I’m sure it’s a nickname.

  36. Steve

    Learn to read people. Says she calls her Scout, not that she wants to change the kids name. Ever hear of a nickname?

  37. CC

    So she wants to change her kid’s name to S.Cruise Holmes? Ironic..

  38. Just Me

    “suri” also means “pickpocket” in Japanese.

  39. Opium

    Suri means “died” in Estonian, so it didn’t exactly have a positive meaning to begin with.. but Scout?

  40. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    I must be some kind of sarcastic genius as I got the joke immediately. If you didn’t, you don’t belong. Talk about the dumbing down of society! Lately the point of this site has to be explained weekly. This has to be one of my all time favorite lines in the history of the site. Kudos, sir. To all the idiots– if you have to explain a joke…..

    • catapostrophe

      RE: “Kudos, sir”–You might rather offer those kudos to the “ma’am” [Caity Weaver] who wrote the Gawker piece effortlessly copied and pasted by the Superficial writer.

  41. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    Commented on this photo:

    whoops, she looked at the camera.

    best hope mom doesn’t see this pic.

    • Schmidtler

      I’m terrified to make direct eye contact with Suri. Even if it’s just a picture. Somehow, I expect she’d be waiting around the next corner and stab me. She is pure badass.

  42. Miss Mary666

    Since Katie has rejoined the Catholic Church and is sending “Suri” to a private Catholic day school in Manhattan, I assume she will be baptized and will have to receive a saint’s name. “Scout” won’t do!

    • She was enrolled in a Catholic preschool 3 years ago, so you can’t assume anything of the kind. FYI, you take a saint’s name at confirmation – it’s traditional, but not required, to give your child one at baptism.

  43. Val

    does anyone else remember them plating suri’s first poop in gold and putting it on display at a museum?

  44. christi

    How celebrity is it to name your child a sentence fragment. Scout the cruise holmes

  45. Surely you can come up with a better name than “Scout”, Katie. How about Carol, Jennifer, Michellle etc. There are so many other normal names out there.

  46. Colin

    “Scout,” after the To Kill a Mockingbird character named for one of Demi Moore’s daughters.

    No “Now,” the character in a 1960 literary classic is NOT named after the 21 year old daughter of a celebrity.

    • catapostrophe

      The author was injecting some absurdist humor into her article about the Now story. Your correction is unwanted.

  47. jl

    I believe changing this little girls name at this time is just adding more stress and trauma. This whole matter sounds like a bitter mom.

  48. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Name Change Central Park Zoo
    hugh jorgin
    Commented on this photo:

    kid’s always clinging to her mother. kinda pathetic. she’ll grow up to be a neurotic high maintenance weirdo.

  49. Turd Ferguson

    Uh, Demi Moore named her ugly kid after the character in “To Kill a Mockingbird”, not the other way around. That ugly kid is also like 20, and the book was written in 1960. Gawker rules.

  50. Turd Ferguson Jr.

    I have my doubts as to whether or not that’s even Tom’s kid. Methinks he fires the blanks.

    • LadyMoustache

      Not to mention that he’s firing the blanks in the wrong orifices for baby-making in any case…

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