Kate Upton’s Breasts Are Too Large For Santa Monica A.K.A. Communist Russia

Here’s Kate Upton in the July issue of GQ where she weaves a tale of oppression that only a beautiful, large-breasted white woman can experience in a country I don’t even recognize anymore:

“For the GQ photo shoot, we were on that ride where the seat spins while the actual ride is spinning, and I’m wearing a one-piece. And all of a sudden the whole entire top falls off! I’m holding myself, laughing, turning bright red, but a lot of people are watching, so they kicked us out of the Santa Monica Pier–it was so embarrassing.” Pause, then the kicker: “You wouldn’t think that would happen with a one-piece!”

Oh, so sorry, Santa Monica. Was the sight of a model with breasts so large they can’t even be contained by a one-piece so offensive to the eyes that you had her flee the premises? Did you brandish her with a mark, too? Maybe a number letting others know she’s not one of us, but instead a huge titty menace responsible for all the world’s problems? Well, let me tell you how a little country called America handles tyrants like you. Unless you already saw Captain America, in which case, it’s mostly like that including all that stuff about fighting like hell to touch some huge English yams. We love breasts.

Photo: Terry Richardson/GQ