Kate Upton’s Breasts Are Too Large For Santa Monica A.K.A. Communist Russia

June 19th, 2012 // 47 Comments
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Here’s Kate Upton in the July issue of GQ where she weaves a tale of oppression that only a beautiful, large-breasted white woman can experience in a country I don’t even recognize anymore:

“For the GQ photo shoot, we were on that ride where the seat spins while the actual ride is spinning, and I’m wearing a one-piece. And all of a sudden the whole entire top falls off! I’m holding myself, laughing, turning bright red, but a lot of people are watching, so they kicked us out of the Santa Monica Pier–it was so embarrassing.” Pause, then the kicker: “You wouldn’t think that would happen with a one-piece!”

Oh, so sorry, Santa Monica. Was the sight of a model with breasts so large they can’t even be contained by a one-piece so offensive to the eyes that you had her flee the premises? Did you brandish her with a mark, too? Maybe a number letting others know she’s not one of us, but instead a huge titty menace responsible for all the world’s problems? Well, let me tell you how a little country called America handles tyrants like you. Unless you already saw Captain America, in which case, it’s mostly like that including all that stuff about fighting like hell to touch some huge English yams. We love breasts.

Photo: Terry Richardson/GQ


  1. USDA Prime McBeef

    would make fool of self in proximity of that girl.

  2. The same state that lets Lohan drive is offended by Kate accidentally baring her breasts?
    Oh wait… Lohan’s got bog boobs too…
    Uhmmm never mind…

  3. DeucePickle

    Santa Monica sounds like a town founded on bullshit and Beiber weiners. But I guess the mayor suffers from titty racism and nothing cool can penetrate Nazi Pier, California.

  4. Dan Quayle

    Southern Californians aren’t used to seeing natures unaltered beauty

    • grobpilot

      That’s mostly true. But we are occasionally treated to the unaltered beauty of a droopy-breasted welfare mom with a half-dozen loud obnoxious kids, none of whom speak English, running up and down the aisles of Walmart. That has to count for something, right? Because I keep hearing that no one’s a loser in this country

  5. EricLr

    How can a decent God allow such cruelty and suffering in the world?

  6. We

    those define ‘jumblies’

  7. Cock Dr

    That’s a very pretty woman. Nice to see a nice corn fed American blonde cover girl instead of a lean brunette giraffe from the former Soviet block or South America.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      She does look corn fed. i think that’s part of it. Corn fed blondes from the upper midwest. I’d eat her pork chop. Actually where is that bitch from? I just assumed Iowa. Anyways, more please, thank you.

  8. Kodos

    Further proof that the “golden state” is now an opressive, socialist shithouse, made out of enviro-bricks….

    Good job, moonbats!

    Bring on the BIG One! (or two, in Kate’s case..)

    • doood

      another person who can’t tell the difference between fascism and socialism.
      california is the most populous state in the union. there are people from all kinds of backgrounds.
      minorities and the open minded may have a slight upper hand making it a ‘blue’ state, but if you have ever been there, you know that there is also a Very Strong redneck and bible thumper presence. if you have ever attended a concert in CA there is Always a jesus freak on a megaphone telling everyone that they are going to hell.

    • doood

      another person who cant tell the difference between socialism and fascism…

  9. Diana

    Okay I really REALLY don’t get the hype on this one. Her tits are miles apart, weird stomach, and okay face.

    And no I’m not a jealous fat female, when I see a really gorgeous girl I’ll be the first to say it and commend her but this girl is just really bland to me. I dun get it…

  10. Pocketful of Miracles

    I dunno, I don’t think her boobs are fake. Some girls just have wide-set boobs. I think her face is gorgeous, and she does have a pretty great chest, but the rest of her is just kinda eh. She’s shaped a bit like a man, but she does seem to have a golden personality.

  11. cc

    There isn’t much I couldn’t handle over the course of a day if I knew I was coming home to this.

  12. YTBOY

    That’s one smoking hot white girl!!!

  13. jumpin_j

    Wow, California. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. You should be forced to give up the Stanley Cup. It’s the only sensible thing to do.

  14. doood

    why isnt it letting me comment on this page?

  15. doood

    superficial is cockblocking my comments

  16. Dwayne Wade's Goatee

    Thanks Superficial for making me fap at work again.

  17. SkyGod2.0

    For he that beleiveth in big bouncy titties and firm, round buttocks shall have everasting tissue into which to spill his seed, so sayeth the lord.

  18. Justin

    Santa Monica is the homeless capital of SoCal. Figures they’d kick out a big breasted hottie for smelly deranged humans.

  19. lily

    I don’t get her appeal…other than the colossal boobs, all I see is a boxy untoned midsection and long stick legs with no hips. Her face is cute but nothing special…its kinda chubby. every time i see her i just wanna grab her cheeks.

    • GQ

      Her face is normal and feminine. Much prettier than the manjaws of waifs and anorexic women.

    • JJ

      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Kate is very beautiful to me. There are different types of hot and beautiful. Natalie Portman is classically beautiful, Kate Upton is wholesome, All American, straight up hot. I don’t get the chubby face comment though. She’s got big eyes and you can see the angles in her face. Jennifer Lawerence to me has a chubby face. She looks good in the photoshopped magazine covers when they magically give her cheekbones and make her eyes larger…In the photos of her in real life though without any eyeliner on…no. Her face is so chubby that you can barely see her eyes. It’s why all the photos of her lately have her wearing thick black eyeliner. Talented girl with a great body, but that is a girl with a truly chubby face.

      • I think Jennifer Lawrence also has a pretty face. Most women in general have full faces when healthy. I prefer that to the angular, boney manjaws you see on superskinny models. That looks both masculine and unhealthy.

  20. Deacon Jones

    She sounds soooo intelligent!

    Reminds me of my conversations I used to have with freshmen girts when I was working the upstairs entrance to our fraternity house.

    “Please, please, please let us up!”

    “Well, if I do, you’ll have to do a bong hit and play naked patty cake with him.”

    “HAHAHA (look at each other), you’re sooo funny! We love weed!”

  21. Gin&Tonic

    so her top just “accidentally” comes off? me thinks not:


    also: you’re welcome

  22. I don’t get the hype about this girl.

    She is another white, blonde girl, showing her boobs to the world.

    I don’t get the obsession that (north) America has with blondes, its getting overplayed. (and no I am not some jealous fat slob)

  23. guttboy

    It’s too bad Sports iIlustrated discovered her before the Porn industry….That being said I really Love her floppy fun bags.

  24. Alec Baldwin

    Meh her tits are kinda saggy for a 20 year old and not big considering her broad frame. What’s the big deal about her?

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