‘Kate Plus 8′ Got Canceled, The Gosselin Reign of Terror Has Ended

The Superficial | August 16, 2011 - 10:31 am

“Let’s see, 8:15: Go for a jog. 8:45: Fall off the face of the Earth into the mouth of a dragon.”

If you were standing outside yesterday and noticed the clouds magically part as a golden ray of sunshine shined down upon mankind, TLC canceled Kate Plus 8 after enough people finally realized watching a shrew harpie with Tara Reid’s stomach raise eight Asian kids is how other countries torture enemy combatants. Anyway, Jon Gosselin is surprisingly chipper about it because he’s a moron and doesn’t realize allowing his kids to be on television was the only thing keeping him from paying $8 billion in child support. RadarOnline reports:

“I hope they can have more private family moments,” he added. “I hope that this will bring more privacy to my children and that they can get the proper attention they need for any personal issues they might have in the future.”
Gosselin confessed that he learned of the cancellation via a “press release,” but that he wasn’t surprised by it.
“Contracts have to end at some point. I think everything had run its course and it was time to come to an end anyways.”
… The couple share custody of their eight kids. Jon has a steady girlfriend and lives in an apartment not far from his ex-wife’s large house.
“I have no clue what her next move is,” Jon said. “I hope she dedicates more time to the kids now and I wish her the best as she goes forward with whatever career she wants to pursue.”

Yes, brilliant move, Jon. Anger the beast holding all the cards. Let’s add that to your list of accomplishments* since TLC and Kate decided a divorce would be awesome for ratings and thought they could get away with a show starring just her. I’m sure Kate’s not looking to lash out or anything for that exploding in everybody’s faces. She’s always struck me as the calm, rational non-Grinch face type.

*Highlights of Jon’s Accomplishments:
– Tried to work for Christian Audigier after spending all his money from the show on Ed Hardy T-shirts. “Hmm… college fund or this sick dragon tee? Dragon tee.”
– Befriended Michael Lohan.
– Primed vagina for Michael on the back of an ATV.

Honestly, I can’t even come up with a pithy remark for these people anymore. The only way they could possibly redeem themselves is to have their eight Asian kids use their natural talents at math and science to build them a flying car which they then crash into anyone trying to birth more than three multiples. And Octomom. Right into fucking Octomom. You brought that thing into this world, you can take it out.

Photo: INFdaily