Before we dive into the Heidi & Spencer Sex Tape Bullshit Parade, this header pic gets a lot better right here. And now to business that suddenly seems way less important….
Playmate Karissa Shannon (above) and Heidi Montag reportedly made a lesbian sex tape together that Spencer Pratt allegedly found while cleaning his stuff out of the Malibu home he shared with Heidi, according to TMZ:
Sources say it was then that Spencer decided he could make a fortune selling his “library” to Vivid Entertainment — much of it featuring naked, fornicating Speidi.
We could not reach Heidi and her reps were mum.
As for Karissa Shannon — she tells us such a tape does indeed exist, but she’s not convinced Spencer really has it. Karissa says if the tape ever sees the light of day, she’ll sue the pants off him.
So count Karissa Shannon in as a co-star in the inevitable Heidi & Spencer reality show because if you didn’t see where this is going, congratulations, you’re actually way smarter than I am for shutting your brain off and just staring at the practically naked chick up top. No, seriously, good on you:
Spencer tells us Heidi knew since they met four years ago that all he wanted was to become famous … and nothing will stand in his way now. According to Spencer, Heidi is “freaking out because she doesn’t want to do reality TV anymore.”
Pratt says they have been saying in separate hotel rooms and they have been having ongoing, semi-hysterical discussions — in which Spencer has demanded that Heidi tear up the divorce papers and do a revealing reality show on why she needs to get away from him.
As Spencer puts it, “You cannot turn off the Speidi machine.”
Spencer is very clear … he will release a flurry of sex tapes if she does not agree. Spencer added, “I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex.”
Let me break down exactly what’s going to happen here:
1. Since she already hates her face and can’t afford a new one, Heidi’s going to sign off on the release of sex tape, then pretend Spencer did it behind her back because reality TV audiences are retarded and have yet to figure out these things require consent from both parties.
2. Somehow, something’s going to happen where Heidi lands a reality deal that was already inked a month ago in advance, and Spencer will be involved as the villainous ex who ruined her life by releasing a sex tape that secretly bought her five new chins with complimentary back-scoops.
3. I watch said sex tape because I want to see Karissa Shannon simulate intercourse with a giant life-size Barbie complete with nipple-less breasts and smooth, non-orificed groin.
4. I start weeping and gnashing of the teeth when I accidentally catch a glimpse of Spencer’s penis. Except, oh, wait, it’s a stunt penis and he’s crying in the corner whimpering “Don’t let it bite me.”
5. Lauren Conrad remains boring as shit.
Fin.
Photos: Pacific Coast News
Jase | August 23, 2010 at 4:09 am
Sick.
Wes | August 23, 2010 at 4:25 am
that is a nice ass.
now what’s this I hear about a sex tape?
Peppy | August 23, 2010 at 5:42 am
Because god loves lesbians.
FiveOh | August 23, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Huh, I guess I really was made in his image.
phillyb | August 23, 2010 at 5:46 am
These two constantly hock bullshit loogies in our faces. While some of their nonsense is actually laughable, it’s all bullshit none the less.
dudeatdudedotdude | August 23, 2010 at 7:52 am
exactly. bet it looks completely contrived
Delta | August 23, 2010 at 6:04 am
what is she doing?? trying to moon the camera?
pimp | August 23, 2010 at 5:22 pm
she’s making me think about eating assholes…
captain america | August 23, 2010 at 6:10 am
THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS, folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mupp | August 23, 2010 at 6:41 am
I can just imgine how fucking boring it will be…..Do we honestly think Mannequin Thundertit’s up there is in any way sexual in an attractive or interesting way?…
Starmaker | August 23, 2010 at 6:46 am
Maybe this is gonna be the first lucrative Speidi stunt ever folks!
Gando | August 23, 2010 at 6:53 am
*drums*
Rhialto | August 23, 2010 at 7:28 am
There’s a lot of lesbian action in the sex tape(s)? Surprise?! Probably being recorded from Spencer Pratt’s peek position (behind a curtain) in army camouflage outfit.
TunaCan | August 23, 2010 at 9:33 am
ha..
bimbamboing | August 23, 2010 at 7:33 pm
He did probably tape it from the closet.
dudeatdudedotdude | August 23, 2010 at 7:40 am
really not interested in speidi or the whore twins. hopefully combining them in one story provides one extra feature today. hopefully brook, miller, and snookie are on a similar sinking ship together today..
Jester | August 23, 2010 at 8:05 am
Wish I had known this was being shot, could’ve scored a triple kill with a predator missile. Now where do I order my advanced copy of this hot mess……………………….
Nameless | August 23, 2010 at 8:56 am
Okay, a tape without Spencer? I’d definitely watch.
Roman | August 23, 2010 at 9:33 am
I will bet the farm that there are no sex tapes. GTFO already.
lolcat | August 23, 2010 at 9:34 am
this is the best thing to have happened to mankind since the wheel
joho777 | August 23, 2010 at 9:49 am
Why do these talentless whores think that they will become famous artists if the public can see them bumping uglies?
Heidi has all the acting ability of a plastic blowup doll. And seeing Spencer (or Karissa) trying to screw Heidi sounds like a real snoozer.
Does everyone knotice that they are very busy hyping these alleged tapes without actually releasing them?
Doc Schweinstrudel | August 23, 2010 at 9:55 am
I don’t care to see this. What’s really important is for Typical to show up on the board.
So how is it going Typical? Back in Taiwan today?
Iveski | August 23, 2010 at 10:06 am
Hmm, now it makes sense. The other day, there I was wondering, “Who the hell is Karissa Shannon, and why should I give two shits about her?” Now today I find out she’s in a totally-candid-and-in-no-way-contrived lesbian sex tape (cross fingers for fisting!) with Malibu Stacy. I guess reading The Superficial can be used to predict the future, like reading tea leaves. Except it’s the future of wannabe celebrity bullshit, and not anything of any real value.
However, to quote the creepy guy in the TV commercials in RoboCop… “I’d buy that for a dollar!”. Or free, whatev.
C. Boddicker | August 23, 2010 at 10:27 am
I work for Dick Jones.
It had to be said | August 23, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Yeah. If there’s fisting it will be awesome. Everything else is just background noise.
Tony Y | August 23, 2010 at 10:28 am
I’m actually more grossed out by Karissa Shannon than Heidi or Spencer. She is an absolute piece of garbage.
DEATH BY STONING IN HOLLYWOOD | August 23, 2010 at 10:44 am
HOLLYWOOD GETS SADDER BY THE DAY, KIDS SEE THIS NEWS
horsefaceskank | August 23, 2010 at 10:52 am
ya’ll are worse than these famewhorin’ skanks by givin them any attention…
FiveOh | August 23, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Is that an attempt at irony or are you just a hypocrite?
horsefaceskank | August 23, 2010 at 10:53 am
ps= after this it’s snuff ..
of course ya’ll know they were never married ..
jmack | August 23, 2010 at 10:54 am
Your writing is at the top of it’s game on this one brother. #5 got me good. Well played sir, well played.
horsefaceskank | August 23, 2010 at 10:54 am
I DOUBT THESE CLOWNS KNOW HOW TO FORNICATE !
SHE’D HAFTA STOP PULLIN’ ON HER HAIR
DEATH BY STONING IN HOLLYWOOD | August 23, 2010 at 10:55 am
EXCELLENT WRITE-UP FISH
fagballs | August 23, 2010 at 11:36 am
Has to be a lesbian-tape, it´s not like “spencer” could get it up with girls around.
What a stupid bunch of cunts | August 23, 2010 at 11:48 am
Everything about spencer & his playdoll is fake, false & a lie; there’s nothing honest about them. Same for Hef’s live in whores, the shannon sisters. Basically, I’m calling BULLSHIT on this whole story; it’s just another way for these 2 pathetic bottomfeeding losers to get more attention…
thunderstud | August 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I hope, but doubt, the lesbian tape is explicit. If we don’t see Heidi getting her twat licked full view and/or the other chick fucking her with a dildo then it’s just contrived b.s. (which we all know it is).
Hedgehog | August 23, 2010 at 12:53 pm
I’d watch it, and rub one out to it aswell
Marcus | August 23, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Maybe Spencer’s ding ding will be pixelated out, like chinese porno.
Iveski | August 23, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I’m not sure if you can blur just one pixel…
Alphonse | August 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm
The only sex tape will be Spencer spanking it. However, I always approve of some lesbian action…if it exists.
Superduper123 | August 23, 2010 at 6:19 pm
So wait, she had a lesbian sex tape made but nothing with that tard Spencer? Hmmmm, this further confirms my suspicions of Spencer’s sexuality.
Andrew | August 23, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I’ll see it just for the girl on girl and to see what Heidi looks like naked. Spencer will suffer for this when he meets his maker. This is why perfectly pretty girls should not get plastic surgery or else they will look like Heidi.
McFeely Smackup | August 23, 2010 at 6:59 pm
I got $50 that says the “lesbian sex tape” that “surfaces” will be some uncomfortable looking girl/girl kissing and topless fondling at BEST.
Some playmate you never heard of before SUDDENLY shows up with a sex tape with a chick who is spiraling down desperately grasping for media attention because she’s yet to do anything interesting. Contrived? Maybe?
But you know damn well, neither of them has the nerve to go full retard on a sex tape and get porntastic, they’re going to do the absolute minimum that they can get away with and hope that will be enough to launch them both to super-stardom.
Sorry girl, sucking your way to the top of the hollywood heap is so last year. This year, it’s cannibalism and baby murder. Get to it girls!
sean | August 23, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Good God above! How vulgar and skanky are the depths of Hollyweird? Spencer and Heidi are so obviously demons in disguise. No real human beings would act or live like them. They’re sent here to corrupt the morals of the young, and they’re succeeding.
absinthe | August 23, 2010 at 7:11 pm
“I am a wild sexual freak and I love sex.”
Keep telling yourself that, Spenc!
Nerd | August 23, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Hello…I’m Tobias Funk….I mean…Speidi.
whodat | August 23, 2010 at 8:31 pm
What the hell, why can’t we have a Kelly Brook sex tape instead?
The MAN | August 23, 2010 at 8:32 pm
I would like to see Spencer give her a messy cream pie and Shannon eat it from her hole!
RP | August 23, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Where are the in-between photos??? She clearly takes off and puts back on… there’s good stuff in-between!!
CaliGirly11 | August 23, 2010 at 9:03 pm
This is just a publicity stunt. Although I admit if I could see the tape I would and well…Im a chick! Hey these girls are hot though.
The MAN | August 23, 2010 at 9:41 pm
I would give them something to play with . . . a14 inch, thick cock! I would like to offer a cream pie to either of them
The Only Hetero in this Joint | August 23, 2010 at 9:28 pm
You people have missed the obvious: Watching these two completely hot babes square off in the sack is proof that there is a God. After finding out that a complete douche like “the Situation” is gonna pull down $5 mil, I see this as God’s way of putting the universe back in order.
IF there is a tape I am so there. I am there with a computer hooked up to 52 in TV monitor and enough baby oil to last me a fortnight or until my penis falls off.
DamWhatAPlaya | August 23, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Where is the video?
Brooke | August 23, 2010 at 11:02 pm
While I’m curious to see how that much plastic has sex (I assume it lays there with the breasts completely jiggle-free), I couldn’t watch it if Spencer was in it. I’m a straight girl, but I’ll take lesbian Barbie sex over hetero-ish sex with Spencer penis any day.
What I don’t get is, Spencer is already famous, for all the wrong reasons. The only way he could get more famous is if he killed the Presi… wait, I should stop right there.
supashan | August 23, 2010 at 11:28 pm
(shaking my head)…..surprise..surprise! Heidi has yet to top this one..lets see how long it takes…..
captain america | August 24, 2010 at 12:07 am
what else?
DOING THE LAUNDRY ISN’T HER GAME, folks!!
Gilmer KOONTZ | August 24, 2010 at 6:24 am
That purple towel is going to be totally ruined when she pours bleach on it. Bleach is the king of germ killers!
http://www.mixx.com/users/kelycton
kpatra | August 24, 2010 at 11:30 am
haha. best comment of the thread. wtf.
as long as spencer isnt in the video, ill watch. this is what heidi’s career has been leading up to. this is the climax, y’all. well, this, real porn, and an early death. sad and yet so boring.
Marcus | August 24, 2010 at 8:20 am
I hope it doen’t have cgi and shot shaky cam style.
KifaruRed | August 24, 2010 at 10:51 am
Let us not forget to give full honors and credit to MTV, the pioneering music video television network that at some point decided to eschew music videos in place of assorted painfully inept reality show/ pseudo-reality show projects designed to unleash the lowest common denominators of our society upon the most impressionable, resulting in generations to come that believe things like “The Hills,” “Jersey Shore,” and “Teen Mom” are how life should play out..
If only we could maintain a straight face while bragging to our enemies that they cannot win while these icons of our culture live.
No Star | August 25, 2010 at 5:58 am
“Spencer did it behind her back” In the ass?
Ronen | August 26, 2010 at 5:33 am
I would love to see if someone could just take their cock and smack it right across this bitch’s face to see if any pieces come flying off. She’s the type of girl you would still fuck to say you did, but kick her out the bed the moment you finish cumming, and I mean the moment right after you’ve donkey punched her.
Tasha | August 26, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Another stupid horney white girl doing another stupid horney white girl. They all look the same and they all moan like they fake it. We all seen stuff like that on pornos before. These two young woman have no dignity and self respect.