Kanye’s Out Of The Hospital Because Kim, Like, Almost Died

“Hold up! I just realized my kids are alone with Kim Kardashian.” *has panic attack*

Kanye West’s harrowing week in the nuthouse is finally over – because his lawyers probably said that’s a sufficient amount of time to justify the “illness” necessary for the insurance policy which covers the cancellation losses of his defunct tour to kick in – so he headed home to the doting arms of Kim Kardashian, who’s been suffering through her own personal trial this whole time. Raising her kids. Oh yeah, this is headed straight to Are You Fucking Kiddingmesville. Via TMZ:

Kim Kardashian is now charged with Superwoman tasks, which include putting her own emotional upset on hold, caring for her kids and giving a husband in crisis vital emotional support.

They go on to detail Kim’s hellish days in Kanye’s absence, which I will now copy below and destroy, because this is the kind of unacceptable parental shaming normally kept private and expressed only while looking at Facebook in bed, but this is Kim Kardashian we’re talking about, so fuck her, right? Good. Here goes.

EARLY MORNING

Wake up her 11-month-old and 3-year-old and give them uninterrupted attention as she feeds, clothes and nurtures them. She organizes their day by getting them off to various appointments and activities.

I see nothing here about cleaning up liquid shit that’s gone through an overnight diaper, sleeper, sleep sack, sheet, and mattress pad at 3AM and again at 6AM, but please, Kim, you poor soul, continue.

LATE MORNING AND AFTERNOON

Kim beelines it for UCLA Medical Center where her attention becomes singular … providing emotional and various other forms of support for Kanye. Kim comforts him, deals with a slew of doctors, nurses and other health care professionals, makes medical decisions and, just as important, tries to cheer Kanye up.

Late morning and afternoon, huh? So we’re talking 4-5 hours not in the presence of children? Bitch, that’s called a vacation.

LATE AFTERNOON AND EARLY EVENING

Kim books it back home where she’s there before the kids get home. She feeds them, spends time with them and tucks them into bed.

Holy shit, she has to feed them twice in one day? If she wanted pets, she could have just kept Khloe’s cubs. Also, notice she doesn’t personally transport the kids anywhere, so she never gets to experience the joy of a screaming fit in gridlock traffic or opening the rear door of your car to discover the back seat’s been painted with vomit.

LATE EVENING

We’re told she often then goes back to the hospital to spend more time with Kanye.

And she’s out of the house again, not having Westworld interrupted by sending the three-year-old back into her room after coming out 17 times asking for water, a snack, a story, a nightlight, and the answer to why doggies bite, or staring at the 11-month-old on the monitor trying to rationalize how it’s okay to not go in to make sure he’s breathing because that might wake him up.

If I believed in a higher power, I would be praying for her army of Filipino maids to shank her right now, but honestly, if there’s a God who created Kim Kardashian, I want nothing to do with him. (I’m kidding, if you’re listening up there, how bout just giving me one day of picking up from daycare without any passive-aggressive shaming from the teacher about my nine-month-old’s ability to eat puffs? Let’s start building my faith there.)

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Photo: Getty