Justin Bieber is Grounded

NOTE: Yes, I know these pics are from June, but I’d literally have to sell my body and five of yours to afford the exclusive rights of Justin and Selena kissing over the weekend. I mean, I’m willing to do it, but I get first pick of the johns if we’re going to do this. Don’t hate the player.

After seeing photos all over the Internet of her son Justin Bieber kissing Selena Gomez on a yacht in St. Lucia, Pattie Lynn Mallette immediately booked it down there to get her cockblock on. Whether that’s because Christians prefer their Messiahs non-procreative or she legitimately doesn’t want grandkids, we’ll never know. Page Six reports:

The teen stars, who were holidaying with friends, were also seen kissing and cuddling around a private resort on the northern part of the island together. But their cover was blown when a member of their party posted a picture on Twitter. A source told us, “Justin and Selena arrived on a private jet together from Atlanta with friends and his manager. They then took a helicopter together to the resort, where they stayed in two villas and celebrated New Year’s Eve.

Jesus Christ. Private jets? Helicopters? VILLAS? Do you know how I got laid when I was a horny teenager? In a car or right next to a window so I could whip my pants back on if my parents came home early. Shit, I would’ve been ecstatic if someone gave me a half-ripped tent to use, but a secret island? Goddammit.

Someone help me nail this kid to a cross. I think it’s time.

Photos: Splash News